Ripe for Reading

A Reason to Celebrate

2008-02-05T08:29:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking of how to word this post for a little while now. But I suppose if you just follow me over here, I can then fill you in on everything...

Looking forward

2008-02-01T11:47:00.000-05:00

To seeing Daily Editor tonight; it's been so long since we hung out!
To a much-needed facial tomorrow...
To fresh guacamole and hopefully a victory from the Pats...
To getting our new chocolate leather chairs on Monday for the living room!
To warm temps in Orlando in nine days...and seeing a good friend there before my work conference.
To chocolate banana waffles we'll make some time this weekend.
To our housewarming during the long weekend after Valentine's Day.
To seeing the spring catalogs start arriving.

What are you looking forward to?

2008-01-28T11:51:00.000-05:00

I don' t know what to name this post so I'm not. : ) But I'll just say I survived Friday's meeting with the Boss and the weekend was lovely and I wish it wasn't over.

Bub is a pizza-making fool so he made pizza for friends on Friday night. It was so good that it left me wanting more, but all good things must come to an end I guess. Friend who had falling out with Bub didn't have really any comments on the house which is fine--there's something left there from the faling out I think; he was commenting more on the cool neighborhood. They did get us a gift--meaning his wife--which was sweet--and brought back tea from their trip to Indonesia which is where his wife is from.

Saturday was a big furniture shopping day. I am so fed up with the pushy salesmen and no, I don't have any questions and if I do, I wil ASK! They were so annoying. We found a bedroom set we like but we knew we weren't going to buy it that day. Too bad the salesguy didn't get that impression. After we told him we'll think about it, he snuck into an employee only area room with a frown on his face.

Saturday night we had a delish dinner with college friends and it was a better time than expected. My friend and I have no problem hanging out, but her husband is on the quiet side and a good eleven years younger than Bub so I was worried that the conversation would fall to me and my friend to keep up. Instead we all seemed to get along well and enjoy ourselves and after we paid the check we were not anxious to all jump up and leave.

Sunday was a snowy day, but we managed a trip to see Bub's grandfather who has newly been admitted into nursing care. It was sad; those places usually are, but I hoped our visit brightened his day. He seemed to want us to stay longer, but we didn't and continued with furniture shopping and we were successful! No bedset yet, but 2 lovely luscious chocolate leather swivel chairs entered our lives and will be ready for set up as early as next week, just in time for our housewarming!

When we got home I had this desire to make mashed potatoes, but with our new peeler I managed to try and peel my finger which felt oh so painful and would not stop bleeding. It's on a part of the index finger crucial for typing on the ol' keyboard, so I know that I've managed to make more typing errors than usual!

What did you guys do this weekend? And do you ever have awkward time when on double-dates and whatnot when one person from each couple is bound by friendship or whatever and the other two are sort of strangers left with little to talk about? Bub always makes a good effort. He's just that kind of guy.

Work, eh, and IT'S FRIDAY

2008-01-25T09:37:00.001-05:00

My boss asked me if she was being a bitch yesterday as she ran her mouth about a project I'm "managing" whereby I oversee work done by an intern. Yet after the work was completed by said intern? The Boss told me the work I should do as a result of her findings. I know clearly what my job is, lady; I've been here for over 2 1/2 years. K? Thanks.

And no, I didn't confirm her bitchiness.

We have a client meeting this afternoon. And I was torn. I scheduled it because I was encouraged to do meetings on my own; to take initiative. So when I offered for The Boss to come just as a nice gesture to include her since she knows the client? She agreed.

!&?%$!

Sometimes I feel like she can't let go or thinks I always frigging need her. Maybe it was my fault for inviting her in the first place. But the kicker? When we were preparing for today's meeting she said something to the extent because you want me there.

Again, $#@!?&!!

I had a dream that Bub drove me to the meeting and we were going to be late (why, I don't know) and I hadn't showered--and there was no time to. And before I go to bed each night, I barrette my bangs back; it's like a cleansing thing for me or something (go with me here) and all I could think of in the dream is how I'm going to have weird hair. Specifically weird bangs.

Anyway. Tonight we're having friends over to see our house. I'm slightly nervous because Bub had a falling out with one of his friends and it's a long story--but they're back on track, but the friend is in real estate and I'm just ready to hear You haven't painted yet? What have you been doing??

But we've been busy, and it's been a juggling act. Daily Editor is coming by next weekend. Hopefully she'll see why we like it there so much, paint, or no paint.

Enjoy your weekend lovely blog buds!

Tuesday in Ten

2008-01-22T09:38:00.000-05:00

1. I definitely pulled something on the right side of my back. It hurts.
2. We're trying to figure out what we can finish before our housewarming in a few weeks. We have plenty of painting to do. Not everything will be done before the gathering (obviously!), so hopefully people will put on their rose colored glasses to see how we envision our home to be after we win the lottery and get an appearance on This Old House.
3. I booked a facial and I'm so looking forward to it.
4. I need to go shopping. I have no shirts!
5. This weekend we're going to a favorite restaurant that I haven't been to since my bachelorette party.
6. I'm getting excited for my trip to London. I'll be there for my birthday. My sister may come with me. It will be mostly work, but if the weather is anything like it was last year, that's just fine by me. (No lost luggage this time, please!)
7. We're getting ready for a conference in Orlando in a few weeks. I'm arriving early in the day so that I can get some needed pool time in. I also get to see my friend who lives there which is a bonus because at most I see her 1-2 times a year.
8. We're painting the guest room a creamy yellow in our house, but we don't know what color to paint our bedroom. Ideas?
9. I'm excited for February.
10. Blog buds are invited to our housewarming (so there, La!) : )

Enjoy your Tuesday!

Back

2008-01-21T15:59:00.000-05:00

It sucks. I hate working on a holiday everyone else has off! Boo!

The weekend? Was soooo nice. The shopping and tea drinking and relaxing and manicuring I said I'd do?

Didn't happen. I was exhausted from the night before and freezing from well, the winter, and I decided to cozy up on the sofa and let the warmth trickle in.

We left later on Friday than anticipated since Bub had a client meeting. But I was productive until I picked him up. We ate really yummy food, found a little something-something for our house, relaxed, read, sat by the fire and really connected. It was so nice!

Today has been a fairly productive day, fortunately, so I'm off to finish things up before I go. More later.

And I think we've figured out when our housewarming will be--finally!

Weekend Eve

2008-01-17T14:26:00.000-05:00

We finished our landlord duties at the condo last night and we cleared out the last of the tattered paint cans, cleaning supplies, and lamps. I felt sad for a little while en route to our old address for I missed the great eateries nearby, the energy of many people off on an errand, to meet friends, to get out.

Then we got welcomed by a bitchy girl who lives in the building, we were at the condo doing work until midnight, we got locked out of the building, and I managed a parking ticket.

Goodbye old home!

Tonight I'll be doing a bit of shopping. Starting with a warm cup of tea from Teavana and then I'll take my time meandering into stores I was so good to ignore this Christmas so as to keep on task and purchase for others. If there's time, I'll even get a manicure.

Then tomorrow I'll get up and pack for our weekend away, pick up Bub from his work meeting, and we'll drive a snowy drive to NH for a weekend away at a b&b.

Relaxation, here I come! See you Monday.

Snow Day

2008-01-14T09:12:00.000-05:00

I'm working from home today and hope that my productive weekend streak runs through the next eight or so hours.

This weekend we got tons done.

Friday was spent with best friends over dinner at a restaurant not far from home so that when we finished and I was tired, I didn't have to jump on the train or drive miles and miles back to the house.

Speaking of the house, Bub and I were extremely productive both on Saturday and Sunday. On Saturday we had a nice walk through town. We can actually walk to get errands done! It was nice to get out and see more of the new surroundings by foot. We also checked out our backyard. I hadn't really walked way down to the end of it and seen everything since it's so woodsy. No surprises there. It had grass, trees, and leaves!

We cleaned and did more unpacking. All of the old lady curtains have been demolished! Yeah! And more wallpaper steaming was completed, courtesy of Bub.

Saturday night we had dinner out after seeing some horrific furniture and then we tried to watch the Pats win, but promptly fell asleep and then woke up grumpy, uncomfortable (on the couch), and went to bed.

Bub lived at the condo yesterday while I made more progress here, with only one room left to unpack and some cleaning here and there we'll finally be ready to focus 100% on our furniture and decorating needs. Those boxes that are left will be the few stragglers meant for the basement or ones to be thrown out with this week's trash.

The new tenant for our condo moves in tomorrow and we officially hand over the keys tomorrow night. We'll be happy to not have to clean, paint or do anything in there unless something goes awry (knock on wood) for a while.

So to all you snow bunnies, have a great Monday. Here's to a productive and good week! And a short one at that; we're off to NH for a weekend away courtesy of a wedding gift from my sister. Let the countdown begin.

PS--We seem to have a ton of ladybugs living around this house. I just looked up to view the snow outside and saw another ladybug. And the other day? We found one in our bed. We changed the sheets, don't worry. We aren't fans of bed bugs.

Making Progress

2008-01-11T10:22:00.000-05:00

The good thing about watching a ton of home improvement shows is the fact that when you've seen enough sparkling new kitchens, bold paint jobs, and snazzy furniture, it makes someone who just moved into a 93-year old house with much to do feel like crap.

For two nights in a row I went off on Bub that there was so much to do and it'll be a month come Tuesday that we'll have lived in the new house without any painting or remodeling done whatsoever.

Then I realized how crazy I sounded and profusely apologized to Bub. Sorry!

Back to the television watching... So, last night after watching one of those "How Much Can I Sell My House For?" pieces, I got off my ass (shocking, I know) and for only a mere 1.5 hours I straightened up our dining room. Really? Only that long to finish unpacking the china, to finish sorting through the bazillion vases we have (we need not another vase until we're 60), and even getting some stuff together for good will. Hi, ugly plate with big tulip not from our wedding registry. You came out of no where. Be gone!

So our dining room has our old kitchen table in it, all Pledged clean, complete with chairs, and my fabulous new crystal bowl sporting the clementine-orange centerpiece look. It reminded me of The Break-Up when Jennifer Aniston when ape shit on Vince Vaughn when he wouldn't get her the appropriate number of lemons for her centerpiece.

Anyway, I also tore down in true demolition fashion the ugly ass old lady curtain donnning the cool slender 3-window set we have going on in that room. What's left are rickety shutters, but they give good character, so they shall remain for now.

I did manage to scratch the wood floor (damn!) when moving the table to the perfect position. We shall get into fixing that later when we get to rip up carpeting! (I know, the fun that we have in store!) I'm just so proud of my progress that I think I can make great strides to finish unpacking the rest of the 3 rooms that still have boxes in them this weekend. Then there'll be a cleaning party, complete with gloves and me frowning. Because hi, we have close to white kitchen floors which get dirty in two seconds and those pine needles from the Christmas tree? Still there.

Hey, it was hard enough to get off my ass, did you think I was going to go and get all crazy with a vacuum too?

Happy Weekend!

Can't Shake It

2008-01-09T10:44:00.000-05:00

My sore throat and cough from last week left me this past weekend only to return, and worse, yesterday. Yes, on the lovely 60 degree day I had the chills and body aches feeling one associates with the flu. I was in bed by 9 and woke up at 3am wondering if it was time to get up. I felt hot then cold. I hoped for not having a fever.

So do any of you get flu shots? I don't, whereas some of my friends live by them. I usually just tough these situations out. But I don't find that I often get sick. Today I feel somewhat better save that sore throat.

In other news: our house is a mess. We have a pine needle trail from the Christmas tree and random stuff strewn here and there. We don't quite feel settled or cozied in our new place yet. My list is set and I know what we need to do, but I've been sick and it's hard to be productive and motivated after working all day. (I know, excuses, excuses.) The TV is so much more inviting, especially when you make chocolate chip cookies from scratch to go along with it.

Did I mention that I'm obsessed with the Food Network? We didn't have that station when we were at our condo (gasp!) and I'm beginning to think I missed out on so much. I was drooling at the tuna salad that Bobby Flay whipped up in his manly kitchen the other day.

I don't even like tuna fish.

Happy Hump Day!

Cue Relief

2008-01-06T22:50:00.000-05:00

We finally found a tenant for our condo.

I was surprisingly not stressed out about it after we found a mortgage company who didn't need a signed lease for us to move forward on the house. But come February, which is very much around the corner, both mortgages will hit us and it was as if we were standing on a dirt road with hardly any traffic just waiting for that big-ass lost bus to come screaming around the corner and run us over and take with it our money and our happiness.

For some reason I was relying on others' support of positive thinking and good vibes to find a tenant. Craigslist was not doing it for us. After several postings we got creative. Or Bub got more creative. In one instance we go into a boutique I love and as I start scouring for a deal I hear him say to the salesgirl Can we post a flier here about our vacant apartment for rent? The girl giggled and belted out a long uncomfortable ummmmmm. I pretended to not know Bub as I was embarrassed that he pushed further. What if I gave you the flier and after leaving you with it can do as you wish--even throw it out? Another uncomfortable response and then I hear the kiss-up dialogue. My wife loves shopping here; it's one of her favorite stores. So what do you say? I didn't get to hear what she did say so I asked Bub for myself when he was done kissing up. It turns out that when I asked him the salesgirl was within earshot. Bub replied that if I buy something she'll post the flier. The salesgirl quickly said no! But luckily she didn't seem too annoyed.

So we dropped off fliers wherever possible. We had lots of inquiries and more showings, but it was my random idea to contact a girl that I found by searching Craigslist, and not simply by just posting there, looking to live in a town one over from where our condo is and within close proximity to the shopping area where the above salesgirl incident occurred. In less than twenty-four hours she had her posse check out the place as she's relocating from the west coast. We were nervous with the painted cranberry living room and sage bedroom. The kitchen cabinets could be higher quality, but we were proud of our new refrigerator, Corian counters, faucet, disposal, and freshly painted walls.

Bub met the posse and reported back that they really liked it. I took it as a good sign, but Bub was more reserved. What if the actual person who will rent it doesn't like it? She wasn't there to see it and the friends were off to see other places which may have been better options...

A call within a couple of hours of the viewing confirmed that she did like it. Perfect is what she said. We wonder if she has a life outside of her computer as every email sent was replied to within seconds. And if we didn't write back immediately? Another email with different questions and comments was sent. A quick one. We were cool with it. Especially when it comes to the deposit. Just saying.

So that would be our good weekend news. That and we had ourselves a mini shopping spree at Bed Bath & Beyond. It was time we had a quality shopping time at a place other than Home Depot. Some of our loot:

Fun shower head? Check.
New non-rusted shower rod? Check.
Furniture storage cabinet for various bathroom items? Check.
Shower caddy? Check.
Cute wicker baskets for toilet paper (I know), gloves, hats, and scarves? Check.
Office waste paper basket? Check.
Ice trays (yes, we've been without them for almost a month!)? Check.

I feel like I'm forgeting something. Check.

and so here we are

2008-01-04T10:12:00.000-05:00

So far this year I've been slightly tardy to work. But I have my reasons, I do. I'm sick : ( It started as a scratchy throat and got worse. This morning I almost called in, but was glad I didn't. Not because I want to work, no, but since next week is a flurry of doctor's appointments (January is my month to do annual check-ups, starting with the eye doctor). And since most of my doctors are near my old home, that means leaving work early which means today is a good time to get some crap done.

Staying at home would also remind me of the two baskets of clothes I should fold, dirty dishes we were so tired to take care of before bed after a later dinner, and the looming list of things we're trying to tackle in the next couple of weeks. We still feel unsettled, not in that we are unhappy and feel out place, but that we can't feel totally unpacked until we get some painting done, but before that comes the demise of the wallpaper which we are in the middle of steaming off.

If it were up to me I'd pay someone to lather the walls with lovely paint among other things, but Bub wants to take care of it just us. That is fine and saves us money, but we're landlords now and having those responsibilities of sprucing up our condo for rental distract us from what we want to accomplish in the new home. I've kept from feeling too overwhelmed by reminding myself and Bub that we have plenty of time to take care of the house, but that we need to finish up tasks at the condo quickly to be done with it.

If only I weren't feeling so blah and ick and sicky that I could make a list and get done those things I need to this weekend: condo, house, and the rest of life. At least a haircut is waiting for me tomorrow afternoon. I love myself some grooming.

Happy Fri.

The New Year's Post

2007-12-28T14:19:00.000-05:00

I have been telling myself to sit down and write out my resolutions for a little while now, but I'd push it off to watch bad TV or hang on the couch since apparently this vacation of mine is anything but productive.

Here it goes.

To be positive. Bub is always looking on the bright side. Seeing the good. Me? I'm gloom and doom. It comes from my dad. I know it's annoying for Bub to hear. But right now? It's hard to be positive when the situation can potentially be sad.

To be healthy. Whether this is by way of eating and/or exercising, I want to find foods and activities I will want to actually like, not force myself into eating/doing just because they're right. For example, taking yoga classes over joining a gym because yoga may be more fun than a treadmill most days of the week. (Is it?)

To write. I took a class in the fall and it feels like ages ago. An online one and not the best choice, I haven't looked at the results of what I've taken away from it and there's alot I want to practice and experiment with...I just want to find other outlets to carry out creativity and this is a sure place to start.

To be on time. I've written about this before, but I suck at being on time. I never leave enough time to get ready, to drive somewhere, etc. I really need to get it together. Here's my chance.

To reassess my dreams: motherhood, career, school, travel, hobbies. What are they? I've been stressed and busy that I haven't figured it all out. I'd like to be able to know where they stand now since I'm not getting any younger and I'm sure that I can part with my usual sedentary habits long enough to make a plan.

To not hold grudges. Bub hates it. I feel like an ass, but I can bring up the silliest, dumbest thing in a fight with Bub that happened ions ago and he'll think, why do you have to keep bringing that up? Haven't you forgiven me? Yes, I have, I just like to remind him of what once was. I know, it's mean.

I'm sure I'll think of more, but for now that's a wrap.

2007 was a great year. No doubt. We've grown as husband and wife and we're now homeowners. Work is stable (knock on wood) and there's so much to look forward to. I hope there are some surprises on the way. And good ones at that.

Cheers,
rfr

First Impressions and Christmas

2007-12-26T20:41:00.000-05:00

I learned that you don't get a second chance when it comes to first impressions. And today, Sass needed no second chance.

She is a pretty person with a warm smile, a calm, sweet woman who I could easily talk to as if I had known her for many months. I already felt I knew more things about her than a usual acquaintance would, yet there were things I was dying to know: what did she do for work? Is she having wedding withdrawls? What does she think about starting a family sometime in the future and does it terrify her as it does me?

I have to say that I wasn't nervous--maybe a tad--to meet her. She wasn't a stranger so much as I had high hopes that we could grow a friendship out of this blog world that so many people spend time commenting on, reading, and browsing. For me, it's hard to meet new people, let alone nice people who aren't fake or who have trouble being real. Sass meets the real deal criteria; I had a lovely time.

That's not say I'll meet every person over this online thingy, but the fact that I hear from a select group of people, checking in with me through comments and emails, wishing me well, caring about me, that easily supersedes the silence I receive from some of the friends I have a hard time connecting with on a weekly, if not monthly, basis.

+++

Christmas. It was a great day. We spent Christmas Eve working on the house--cleaning, organizing, opening up some boxes. It didn't feel like Christmas Eve because of the chores we were doing, but later on we visited with Bub's family and I felt connected, which, as many of you know, is difficult for me. We enjoyed some sweets and visited with Bub's grandfather. We awoke early Christmas morning and ran down to our tree to open gifts before cooking mom's famous carrot casserole and then heading to church with my side of the family. After mass, it was gift time at my parents' house. Then lots of eating. More eating. And yes, more eating. I haven't had my mom's turkey and stuffing in ages and it was sooo worth the hiatus to taste everything all over again. Yummmy. Yummmy. Yowzers.

We got lots of fun gifts and trinkets from the North Pole, but my shopping streak was suppressed in lieu of shopping for others this holiday season, and very well should be, but now I've just discovered this site. My debit card is playing hide and seek. Except I know where it's hidden so I guess it's not a good tactic when it comes to a little shopping fever...

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

2007-12-24T15:00:00.000-05:00

Wishing all of you a very lovely holiday. Eat, drink, be merry...

+++

When I was decorating the Christmas tree while Comcast set us up with a phone line, Internet, cable, all that grand stuff that keeps us, uh, connected, I was in Christmas-mode, decorating the tree, wrapping presents...Bub was upstairs doing some unpacking and was okay with not decorating our tree. It made for some quiet time to reflect on memories of decorating our tree when I was growing up. My family would go out together, pick a grand tree, go home, put on carols, and then my sister and I would go to town with the ornaments after Mom and Dad put on the lights and put it in the spot in the house where they wanted it to be shown off.

So as I decorated my little tree, I thought, something's missing...That little person, whether it be a boy or girl, or some day both, with a sparkle in their eyes and a silent smile on their faces, they'd hang Santa or an angel on the tree branches with pride.

Someday soon I hope to create those memories. Memories of a family. The reality of that life comes alive in this house.

Merry Christmas. And without further ado, our tree! Our camera needed to be charged, so you get the blurry phone pic. But you get the gist.

Home Sweet Home

2007-12-18T18:27:00.000-05:00

So. We are here.

Our new house, our new town, our new address. We are so happy to be rid of the coin-operated washing machines and non-working dryers at our old home so the washer and dryer here? We have, no joke, done at least ten or so loads of laundry already. And? I don't mind doing laundry at all. I'm GLAD to!

Our tree is up! We got it last night and it looks like a poodle tail at the top. The branches and needles stop and then a perfect clump of branches follows. Oh, and it's like 3.5 feet. It's a cutesy little bub tree. Pictures to follow.

I got to hang a little wooden mitten I just bought on our front door. Our old door was not conducive to hanging decorations...

We have a landline for the first time in five years. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. Did we just take a step back in technology?

So that's the quick update. The closing was smooth, quick. The move? Hard, but fun since we had so much help.

Sure, there's plenty to unpack, clean, and decorate. We are irked somewhat by the old lady curtains left behind, the peeling wallpaper, and unsatisfactory electrical work. But we wake up surrounded by the silence of the outdoors. We glance outside to see nature and not dirty trains. I get smiley when I pull into our driveway. We're on our way...there is so much to do that it's hard not to get overwhelmed. There is so much cleaning and on top of that there's the snowy weather that makes it even harder to keep things sparkling...

So it's back to work tomorrow.

Good thing it's a two-day week for me!

I'll Be Home for Christmas

2007-12-13T10:57:00.000-05:00

So we're growing closer to D-day as my work friend likes to say.

We made a ton of progress last night with packing. All that's left are the items we need day-to-day like soap, shampoo, toothbrushes, sheets, um, the bed, hair products. There are my brown boots that don't give me a hard time when I wear them, my basket of knitting...since I don't ever really knit but would like to, and then a bunch of breakables in the kitchen.

Bub moved the sofas so that they face each other closely and hover near the remaining stray empty boxes.

There is dust and there are bunnies and there are also the turtles who must wonder what's going on.

We have one final item regarding the Christmas cards. Oh, and we're about 10 cards too short on supplies. But no big deal. They're the least important people anyway. Kidding.

Tomorrow I'll work a half day after we do a final walk through of our house. Then we'll close. And we'll release an old man of his childhood residence. Together Bub and I will begin a flood of new memories.

I think that although it is strange to be moving during such an off-season that the fact that it's Christmastime is helping. The XM carols, the decorations I see as I drive my long commute home. To think that this time next week I'll be working my last day of 2007 and have a mere 15 minutes to trek to and from our new house to the office sounds so nice.

I'm a bit anxious about settling and decorating. I like getting things done, crossed off my list, never to be thought about again. But we move in Saturday after an afternoon of cleaning tomorrow and we will not have yet steamed off the drab wallpaper or torn down the 60's drapes. In time, these things will get done. I want to get a feel for the space first. We moved into our condo after painting every inch of it. It was a little rushed towards the end. But since it was small, it was doable.

Not that our house is a McMansion, no, it's rather a cozy little abode that we are so excited to make ours, but all I wanted was to be home for Christmas. Fitting in renovations and painting would have interrupted the moving chain of events. And so we will be home for Christmas, we will be.

So I'm signing off until next week. Because I won't have a chance to write sooner and because, well, our Internet will be disconnected and I won't be at work either.

So until then, belt out some carols, drink some egg nog if you like it, and shop 'til you drop--but sneak in a fun gift for yourself. And if you live near where I do--good luck with the fluffy white stuff coming our way.

Whirlwind

2007-12-11T11:28:00.001-05:00

We move in 3 days just in time for a snowstorm they are predicting for Sunday.

I haven't been to the gym in ahem I *think* a month and the only meal I had yesterday outside of dinner was that of anything Hershey's, thanks to a partner.

We've made good progress on the holiday cards. Another make your own project. I'm not sure what we were thinking by trying to make these and move in the same week.

My face hates me. The great zitfest of 2007. I have a zit on my neck that screams chicken pox. It looks like one of those things and since I'm pale it's smack dab in the center of my light skin. What gives? I'm already thinking about the new sweater/top I should buy in case it doesn't go away in time for Bub's Christmas party at work.

My arms feel fat as I type this and they squeeze against my body for warmth.

I'm freezing.

I have 2.5 days of work left this week and a 2-day week next week. Then I'm off until 2008. Reminding myself of this is what's getting me through the stress.

Our condo looks like it threw up boxes.

There is so much to do.

On the fun front, there's a local organic farmshare in our new town. We are already in the organic club and can start ordering organic fruits and veggies this week if we want.

Now all we need is a dog so that we can partake in the local dog park with Sass.

I still haven't gotten my period and I'm confident I'm not pregnant. But I've never missed a month so I wonder if I should call the gyn. Ugh.

More later.

Dear Santa

2007-12-07T12:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Santa,

I've been a good girl all year. Ahem. And I'd like to put in my request for a couple, I mean just a few, things. K? Thanks.

OK, so we just bought a house--no thanks to you, Santa, because how can you fit a house inside of a house's chimney and then tuck it under a tree? And since our current home has no chimney, I do think you owe us some extra goodies for not being able to properly visit us the past three and a half years. K? Thanks.

I never said I was Martha Stewart, Santa, but I certainly like her Web site and magazines. This girl never ever buys magazine subscriptions for herself. Can you help a domestic-wannabe-diva out?

I do love my Anthropologie apron that my dear friend gave to me at my bridal shower, but I'm sure the other home goods they sell would do just fine on our wood floors and in the three bedrooms I need to decorate. I wouldn't mind a cute little dress to wear on New Year's Eve, either. I hear they have some pretty fab stuff. I mean, I know they do. This is where this girl likes to get her shopping spree on. After all, a new year means new clothes, right? You wouldn't want me shopping at a less-than-stellar boutique since we're now broke from putting a down payment on the house. K? Thanks.

Now that we have a gynormous screened in front porch and a cute 'lil deck to play in when the weather turns warm that means...lemonade! And entertaining! And barbeques! But wait. We don't have one of those things to cook burgers and hot dogs and therefore we have nothing to serve the potato salad with. That's right, Santa, make us yearn for summer with a new grill! K? Thanks.

I don't want to act like a gift-grubber, Santa, really, so please just give as many toys and homes to those who are in need of them and who are alone this holiday season. K? I'd even let you not get me a grill if it meant you gave millions of toys to children out there hoping for shiny somethings under the tree.

We're pretty bummed about not being able to attend that wedding in Anguilla that we were pleasantly surprised and honored we got invited to. So in lieu of that please help us save, save, save our pennies again so that we may be able to go on a nice little trip in '08 that doesn't trump the Italy honeymoon, but maybe involves some sun, beaches, swimming, shopping, and a tad bit of camping and hiking (to please my Bub).

Oh, and Santa, when I was a little girl many years ago, wishing upon a star, smelling Christmas in the night, wishing with all my might as I attended party after event after get together solo, sans my love...Santa, thanks for my husband. He's the best gift under the tree each Christmas. And the best gift every day.

K? Thanks.

Gold or Silver? Silver or Gold?

2007-12-05T15:37:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, I'm spoiling you with two posts today....

So my online shopping demon is taking over. This time it's for moi...I know, I know, it's Christmas, but this is TOO cheap to pass (we're talking UNDER $40!!!!! and that includes the clutch!).

Me LOVE:

But now there's the question of which clutch: Gold or Silver. I'm more a silver chick, but gold seems like it will work with the dress better. I'm very sensitive about matching. I don't wear gold jewelry with silver, etc.

Gold:

And now...silver:

I could wear the dress to Bub's holiday party next week; I have a cream wrap. I think I can pull the outfit off except that it will be minus seven hundred thousand degrees for sure and my legs have turned into liquid fat from my banishment from the gym.

Oh, I didn't tell you? I decided to make up a story that I was banished from the gym. Makes me feel better about the situation.

Thanks for your input. Or please tell me that the dress is ugly and I'll go save my $27.80 plus shipping for it.

Good Progress

2007-12-05T14:11:00.000-05:00

I'm making good progress with my shopping. I know, yesterday I was bitching and now today? It's all changed?

No, really. After a few swipes of the debit card, things are looking up on the gift front.

Thanks to Pessimistic Redhead I've got my sister covered with some baked goodies. I even got some licorice for my mother too.

+++

Everyone in the office has been freezing and running space heaters non-stop. People with offices...ahem...like moi (and damn proud of it!) are shutting their doors to keep the warmth close.

It is so cold here, and I so despise walking through the icy parking lot to the car so that I can run an errand to the post office, let alone entice myself with some Starbucks!

Yes, the post office has been on my list for some time. I want to fill out a change of address form thingy so we are set with our mail. Apparently, if you do so online, they make you pay and they have to ensure that your credit cards all have said new address so that they don't thnk you're being fraudulent.

Hi, who would want to be me? I have bills, bad hair days, and I've been PMSing forever. Oh, I didn't mention that my period is 2 weeks late, approaching 3? Yeah, my period is so irregular. A week to two weeks late is pretty consistent, but we've just passed the 2-week mark. It's like Christmas in your pants when I get it, but not really.

That was kind of gross. Sorry. And no, I'm not pregnant, but thanks for thinking that. I so appreciate it : )

Where Are You Going? Where Have You Been?

2007-12-04T12:49:00.000-05:00

I've been doing some soul searching lately and I haven't enjoyed it.

I've been complaining, whining, bossing, and acting like a plain old snob.

I think I'm in a rut.

I think the holiday bug has bit me, but in a I-must-be-obsessive-compulsive-and-get-all-this-stuff-done-so-that-we-can-enjoy-the-holidays mood. I've been barking at Bub, freaking myself out that after Bub's Christmas party, the night before we close, that we'll be all holiday-cute and stuffing boxes with newspaper-wrapped items until dawn instead of snuggling in our warm bed and celebrating that we're moving! and to our first house! and yeah!

Last week I emailed several friends and family members to help us move in 10 days, a mere 10 days before Christmas and the response? Overwhelmingly positive. I don't get it. Ask me to do that for someone else and I would have laughed at the computer screen and told Bub, are they for real?

So for this I am grateful, but I don't know what it is about my 'tude that is making me this way. I think I'm stressed.

So, moving on to more stress. What the hell do I buy my sister? She is not a girly-girl, her birthday is in a little over a week and the best I can do? The best I can do is think that a set of knives is a good gift.

Someone set me straight.

See, my sister lives in her condo and is a bonafide work-aholic. That is fine and that is what her work is all about--the client--and deadlines--and I could never do it because you need to know math. And so yeah. I thought knives would be a good gift because we went and carved pumpkins before Halloween at her place and she said she had this one crappy knife aside from a kit she bought. She needs some home love. Knives could help, right?

And the funniest part is? Bub thinks knives are OK for her gift too. Um, can you imagine if we go through with this and get her knives?

This gets better. So we decided on a Restoration Hardware gift cert for Bub's parents. They are doing some remodeling and Bub's mother told me how she really likes the store, so we think this is a great gift idea. Except apparently I go haywire with gifts (I know, I am about to purchase knives, but go with me here) and Bub's mom is all like we're asking for no gifts or to spend no more than $25. They are sweet, and all like, you just bought a house so please don't concern yourself with buying gifts. But hello? You can buy like 2 coffees at Starbucks and a piece of gingerbread and go over that amount. So we decide to get a gift cert for Bub's mom and dad thereby making it $50 ($25 for Mother-in-Law and $25 for Father-in-Law). I still think this is too little so we think that getting a small something else as a joint gift will complete the giving.

So what do we get? I don't want to get something geared towards one gender more than another or else it's not a joint gift and so at least three times Bub has suggested that we get.... socks (as in the things you put on your tootsies) as a gift.

Hi Mother-in-Law, how are you? Oh, yes, enjoy the gift certificate, complete with your socks. We got you the special white kind. We didn't want to go over the maximum amount, so no gold-toe brands were purchased.

Although the woman who thought I was preggers earlier this year? She bought me socks for Christmas last year.

I won't knock them though, they are pretty nice.

Some things to look forward to

2007-12-01T17:55:00.000-05:00

Well, right now it's the weekend so I can check that one off my list.

We move to our new home in 13 days.

Christmas is in 24.

I have a shitload of vacation coming up and I couldn't be happier to break in the new house, get settled, relax, and explore our new surroundings.

We are going to our first Christmas party tonight.

Bub and I had a heart-to-heart chat today which was much needed. We've been so busy with getting ready for the move and life to catch up on us.

I guess that's it at the moment, but it sure feels like a lot.

I didn't have the cookie.

2007-11-28T11:59:00.000-05:00

The seats were in a horseshoe style. We used a handheld microphone. I couldn't follow along in my packet to see which slide my boss was on or else I would count how many were left before I started my part.

My heart did its obligatory dance in my chest before I approached the screen.

I kept refering to the screen when I should have glanced at the laptop.

I felt myself stutter at one point and then spit out my words.

I tried making eye contact and the voice in my head kept overshadowing what I wanted to say next with "You're doing it! You're doing it! You're talking in front of all these execs and they are watching you and that zit on your cheek, all while donning your silky blouse that you think makes you look fun."

And then? Just as I got comfortable with the next slide, there were no more. Of course, my presentation was the quickest with only a handful of slides. I was back at my seat.

The distractions of people's tired faces, busy mouths from the buffet they visited just outside the door, and the way my mind goes blank when I am nervous as if I'm seeing these slides for the first time when I've been reading and reviewing them all during the Thanksgiving break, on the train, and now, defeated me. I felt like I could have nailed it better.

Where were the damn skills I learned in my public speaking class? Why was I so nervous?

I'm sure there will be a next time, but for now, I'm safe in the chair behind my desk far from the stares of strangers who sit safely in another state.

Presentation Eve

2007-11-26T21:40:00.000-05:00

I'm ready.

My outfit is laid out for my 4:30am alarm.

My nails are manicured.

The slides have been finalized.

Wish me luck. Come 2pm, it should be over...

I'll definitely earn a cookie by this time tomorrow...or else!

Stuck

2007-11-25T19:37:00.000-05:00

The first time I spent a holiday away from my immediate family and instead traveled with Bub to see his family for Christmas I hated it.

I love Bub and did at that time when I thought that it would be great to actually travel somewhere for the holidays since my family is all local. He had already spent a Thanksgiving with my family so it seemed no big deal that I see his on Christmas.

Boy was I wrong.

I felt so out of place. These people that he calls family were not strangers; we had met and spent time with each other a number of times before, but I felt like an observer looking to other people for clarification on how to celebrate a holiday that I had grown up celebrating on my own with my own family and friends.

Presents were opened after mass on Christmas eve. Naps weren't uncommon and the day was very relaxed and perhaps a board game or two were taken out for fun later on in the day. Lots of eating and some drinking. All in all, not a super different take on how my family celebrates the holiday if we aren't trekking to Grandma's house or to a restaurant instead of someone doing most of the cooking.

Yet it was strange. I felt like a person who was plugged into another nuclear family and their traditions and I felt like a little girl and a bratty one at that for feeling so strange.

But time and time again, when visiting Bub's family I can't shake that I don't fit. Bub says I'm crazy and that I'm self conscious. I fit just fine and I'm making a fuss. But I'm drab and dull compared to his younger sister who is older than I. I don't have much in common with his parents who find my fiction reading sub-par to their non-fiction, academic lit, and my hobbies of baking, shopping, and eating out (!) are not in line with their political and historical chats, architecture love, and Costco trips.

When I'm at their home sometimes I wonder if they can see how different I am from them and think that I'm a wrong match for their son. It makes me sad and anxious.

So I tell Bub and I get upset. But after six years of dating I wonder why I still feel this way. We are married and I feel like we know why we're together; why should feeling like I'm part of his family be so seamless? I guess it's because I see how easy it is for him to blend in with mine and to be loved unconditionally.

And then I remember the times when Bub's mom tells me that I'm stuck with them, flaws and all and that they're so happy that their family has grown to include me.

And I'm just in awe because I'm making myself look like one big flaw, by obsessing over who I should be. I wish I didn't care so much and could let go and be that easy-going girl. I think I should be past the insecure stage. I think I'm ready to take it to the next level and act like the sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, and wife that everyone already views me as.

It's like I'm stuck on the first meeting of the parents and sibling. And I don't know how to get unstuck.

Completely Stressed Out

2007-11-19T20:01:00.000-05:00

I just need to ramble and vent and rant.

So work is swallowing me whole. There was a point of dilly-dallying. Checking personal emails. Talking on the phone about houses with Bub. More dilly-dallying, reading gossip about the industry, entertainment, and then local news. More dilly-dallying.

Somewhere half-way through the first dilly-dallying session my job caught up with me and hit me aside the head.

What the fuck are you doing? It said. You know this quarterly stuff is going to creep up on you? Oh, and that to-do list, why don't we triple it and then never let it dwindle down! Ha!

Yeah, so I'm so super busy when, hi, I should be looking forward to the short work week. Instead, I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to get it all done and next week? Well I have that confidence-building activity to do and another remote meeting to prepare for, then it's the calls and the follow-up I STILL have from the Germany gig.

So I'm stressed.

So add to that the house. We're trying to work out which mortgage to go with. Bub is a pro at this, moreso than I am since he is the homeowner now and I? Well I'm the newbie and about as clueless as they come to rates and APR and points and closing costs and pre-paids and monthly payments and escrow and did I mention closing costs? So we're trying to get that settled so that we can, um, afford this new home. To top that off we have a mere two weeks left here or maybe three, but no, I think it's two before we move. Packing? Never heard of it. Boxes? What are those? Tenants for our condo? Who?

And to top that off Bub just told me that his parents and sister will come here for Christmas to spend it with his grandfather. Cue record player needle screeching on a record noise. What? They're coming on December 23rd? Double what??

We're going to see them for Thanksgiving. Last Thanksgiving we were supposed to see them. Instead, Bub's parents said sayonara and went to Spain. So we stayed here and visited with my family and we did Christmas there last year for the second year in a row.

I'm ready for Christmas here. Home. My family. Home.

So Bub tells me how the in-home care workers for his grandfather are going to have to work on the holiday unless someone comes to take care of him. So then I learn that because of a past situation involving Bub's grandfather not really wanting to put up Bub's family since his memory is not in the best shape and he's more uncomfortable than hospitable when it comes to others staying over at his house, Bub's family may stay here. As in the condo. They want to stay in cots that they would bring here. They want to stay in what will be our vacant, ready for tenants, no bath towels or shower curtain, condo.

When did Bub find this out? Today. And I guess my sister-in-law was going to stay in a hotel so of course Bub agreed that they stay here. Who gets to clean and provide hotel accommodations to my in-laws mere days after moving? Yes, you got it.

The last time we moved we got to do the same bloody thing: put up Bub's friends in our apartment as we moved here, to the condo. I'm looking forward to this, again. Stressful? Nah. Fun? Absolutely!

And to further make my blood boil, Bub tells me that he can understand how his mom is pulling the mother-in-law implication. What, I say? Well, they're inviting themselves over for Christmas, will stay at our condo, and well we'll probably see them on Christmas eve. What? And then Bub tells me hey, we'll see your family on Christmas, we don't have to see them both days, right?

Ummm....well, we can go down to see his family for Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday of this week, right? And when we're there for Christmas we can do the same, but we're going to hang out with my family for a few hours over the course of two days and we're already building in time to see the in-laws.

This, this is definitely an in-law uh-oh.

I was beginning to think I had the holidays covered since I've begun my shopping, I am no longer irked by the holiday commercials, and I have preset one of my XM stations to the 24/7 Christmas music. But the work hanging over my head? Sucks. And the in-law drama? Well, I know I'm creating some of it here, but I'm not sure how to survive. Someone please tell me it's no big deal. Someone tell me to calm down.

I know, I know, it's terrible I don't want to see my in-laws at Christmas. But that's just it! I do! It's just that hi, can we please have this holiday with my family this year? And I know, it's terrible to think Bub's grandfather is alone for the holidays, but we could easily stop in to check on him (he won't leave the house). And can we move to a residence just once where we don't have to play hotel to others?

I'm super annoyed and totally PMSing. I've slammed the door and my husband thinks I'm a total biatch. I am. I get it. But I am totally annoyed and irritated. Ugh.

Phone is ringing, ohmygod!

2007-11-15T11:26:00.000-05:00

Work this time every quarter blows balls. Literally. And if you're offended by my language, you should hear me talk to Bub after work on these days when I am up to my ears in this quarterly task.

First, it's the emails. "I was wondering if you could tell me our number for this quarter?"

Umm...no, I can't, but yes, you and 303 other partners would like to know that, I know. I'm sorry it's incovenient for you to have to contact me to find this out because your happy little check with the report hasn't arrived on your desk. But I'm the one still stuffing envelopes with an immature intern because this is what I do each quarter. And this quarter? This one has been one of the worst since I started working here.

So then you start calling. "Thanksgiving is around the corner. We need that lift. All those returns."

Not my problem. Wait. It's only the 15th TODAY. That means I tell you nothing before then unless I'm really, really nice. I was for this person.

I'm also starting to fret because the Tuesday after Thanksgiving I am getting on a train (again, a very early one) with my boss and her boss and another VP...so that we can go to the sales conference of one big to-do partner and present in front of a number of people, all of whom have super duper fancy titles. And though I feel a tiny bit important having the opportunity to attend this, my boss wants me to speak in front of said people.

I may just die.

I took the public speaking class in college. I did swimmingly well. But something about work and presenting in front of my boss's boss, whom I've never presented in front of before, coupled with all these important peeps makes me want to secretly scream and hide under a blanket.

My boss said it will be good "practice"...Silently I thought, for what? Practice for my...job? As in the one I have now?

I told her I'm happy to sit in a chair and listen. That didn't go over too well.

She laughed.

On the good news front, we signed the P&S yesterday (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Some think that is great (I am one of those people), but some feel as though it's also sad. (We just wrote one big honkin' check.)

2007-11-08T10:31:00.000-05:00

To the person who searched for "pregnant by coworker"... wow... um, hope everything is okay.

2007-11-06T19:28:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that we're rapidly approaching Thanksgiving and next will be Christmas. It just seems that this year went by so fast. I say that every year, I'm sure, but yet, the feeling of time slipping by amazes me time and again.

We'll be moving in a little over 5 weeks. That means it's six or so weeks until Christmas! I haven't even had time yet to let Halloween soak in.

Finding this house and moving into it has been a big item on my to-do list. On our to-do list. And to think that only three and a half years ago we were painting and moving into our condo now. Now we will be landlords and homeowners. A scary thing, I think.

But it's helped me to feel more at ease, buying this house. Because this was one of the items on my to-do list. The one I mentally created and then put to paper many times when deciding the path that will lead me to motherhood.

What's stopping me now? My fears? The unknown? People were really right when they said they'll never really be a good time. I'm trying so desperately to have it all figured out. When, in reality, figuring out the unknown with Bub is not such a scary thing.

Does this mean I've made a decision? Ummmm, no.

Am I closer? You bet.

The Country

2007-11-01T13:31:00.000-05:00

So my immediate family and in-laws know about the house. As do some of our friends. And the responses have been great. Some have had a twist where you can tell people don't know much about the town we're moving to so they say what they've heard about it, stereotypes included. That's OK with me because as I learned with planning my wedding, everyone has a frigging opinion about something.

So it's no secret that we're moving to the 'burbs. Yes, yes we are. And right now we are in the city with trains and cars and students and noise and convenience. We can walk or ride the train and don't need a car, but we do and we like having one to take us when the train is packed with obnoxious students or Red Sox fans. I digress.

Now we will move to a suburb. Sure, we'll be farther away from some of our favorite bars and restaurants. We won't have the building maintenance guy around any old time we need him to pick our lock when we get locked out of our condo while doing laundry. In the basement. Oh, and laundry? I won't miss doing that whole coin-operated thing down five flights of stairs and up again.

I grew up in a suburb and it wasn't until my first job when most people lived in Boston and wondered how people could do it. Live in a suburb. Where is everything? What is there to do? And I never considered my upbringing in a suburb because we weren't that far from the city. My hometown has changed, and for the better, but it's still too familiar for me to return to it in a different part of my life: as an adult. I love to visit, and the church I went to growing up is forever in my heart because that's where we got married, but I need something new. But don't get me wrong, I will always cherish my roots there.

And Bub, he didn't grow up in a city either so when we put in our offer for this house and we said to each other: Wow, this could be it, we felt the shock.

This is going to be our new surburban life.

But it wasn't until I started to spread the news about our house when people said that they really liked the idea of living in the country.

The country?

To me country is cows, manure, fields, and farms. It's not a suburb so much as it's like, you know, the country.

There are no cows where we are moving, but wait, we heard that the dairy there has the greatest ice cream....

It has not fields but forests because the town is home to various trails and conservation lands...

But we haven't seen any farms or smelled manure, er, not yet at least. I smelled enough of that in my later years of college because the farms were literally down the road and it really was country there. It smelled the worst during the summer. Open up the windows for fresh...manure scent.

So how do I feel when people say "Oh, I'd love to live in the country"?

Well, I think there must be a new outfit I can buy to fit the part.

Victory is Sweet

2007-10-29T09:56:00.000-05:00

No more curse talk. We won plain and simple.

And please, no A-Rod next year.

The Next Step

2007-10-27T18:18:00.000-05:00

We've done it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We put in an offer, negotiated, and agreed on a price.

Our inspection takes place on Halloween.

It's happening.

And we even know which room will be the nursery for that Next Step.

It will be bittersweet to move from here, the home we made our own and learned to love together.

Although I helped with the painting (or thought I did), it was Bub's home first. He did all the heavy hitting with being Mr. Homeowner. I remember the phone calls as I listened to the drama that came with the negotiations. I remember listening to the home inspector, and I remember as I sat quietly at the closing. I've always felt that it was my home from day one, but this is different. This new home will be our first house.

This is me being a grown up.

When did I become one?!!!

Hi, this will be brief

2007-10-25T08:39:00.000-05:00

I woke up with my period today. I feel ugh and I'm having a Mocha Madness from Honey Dew and I just KNOW I'm going to get a stomach ache because I happen to have an extra-sensitive stomach during this unpleasant time of the month and that blended with milk products? Notsogreat. Molly knows about this and so does Daily Editor. For DE, she may have to think back to the one-way street and Bread & Circus incident to trigger the memory. Ahem, moving on.

So, the weather and the need for some caffeine? A very important thing since hi, Red Sox! And hi, late staying up for me is difficult since hi, I go to bed early like a granny, or try to.

I cannot believe it's November next week. The month of Thanksgiving! We made travel arrangements last night to see Bub's family. It's all coming up so fast. I was shocked to see the holiday catalogs arriving already...I'm already wondering what I can wear to holiday parties...hmmm....

I have a lot of work to do today which could mean staying late, but not too late since hi, it's that thing called the WORLD SERIES and although we seriously crushed the Colorado peeps last night, I don't think we're going to get off so easy. I just don't.

So if you'll excuse me, I have to go be a good employee now (yeah right).

GO SOX! GO ORTIZ!

P.S. The house? Some of you know the dealio as of now... Fingers crossed!

The Private Moment

2007-10-23T14:12:00.000-05:00

I went there at lunch.

I was still shocked at the number of minutes it took me. Once the corporate backyard melted away, autumn lingered with its playful summer temps. How so many long for it to say goodbye, to leave with us the crisp air that matches the colors on the leaves.

They swirled around as I became familiar with the roads. They reminded me of Amherst.

Maybe it was the sloppiness of the trees, leaving their bits all over, or maybe it was the winding roads that used to carry me back to school each autumn and then home again to remember where it all started for me.

And I turned past what I thought was our future. On its corner with its landscape for children, its Halloween lights on. No one was home...

It was the private moment I discovered just beyond there on the next street that made me pause and wonder.

He sat on the porch and looked older than I imagined. Was he looking at an album? He must have brought it because the house is empty.

Did he know the man who parks his truck nearby?

Did he see me and feel pressured that he must let go? That there was someone else watching, wanting the memories he would soon leave there?

He can take them with him.

There are new ones to make.

Friday in Four

2007-10-19T09:32:00.000-05:00

1. We are putting an offer in on a house today; wish us luck! This could be it!

2. Yesterday was my *Friday* as I am off today.

3. I am preparing to return to the place where I laughed so hard it hurt, made so many special friends, learned to love a new part of the state, and read and wrote to my heart's content and more. It's Homecoming, and autumn is most beautiful here...

4. The Red Sox will keep it alive for another game tomorrow. Here's to another win!

Have a great weekend!

Death Comes In Threes

2007-10-18T10:28:00.000-05:00

I believe it.

Three weeks ago, my mother's cousin's husband passed away. It was very sad in that my mom's cousin and her husband loved each other so much and he was too young to let life go. A cancer victim, we first learned about his illness months prior to our wedding and his first treatment was actually the day before the wedding. They attended and put their happiest faces on. And for that I am grateful, but I wish I could have done something to make it all better for him, for her, for them.

Last Monday, as I packed my clothes and toiletries away for the Frankfurt whirlwind, I saw an urgent message from management to jump on a call in less than 15 minutes. My first reaction is that we bought another company and they were officially announcing the news. No, one of our colleagues who I hadn't spoken to more than a few times in his year or so of working at the company passed away. It wasn't sudden as he, too, was sick with cancer. I heard he was having other health troubles and went on disability. He never made it out of the hospital after recently being admitted, but his wife was hopeful as she was told her husband would be able to go home soon. When she left to make preparations at their home, he took a turn for the worse.

And on Monday of this week, as I battled jet lag and the fact that I was back at work after working through the weekend, Bub emailed me that a close friend's father has passed away. Again, to cancer. He'll go to the funeral and memorial services out of state this weekend.

I didn't want to believe that death comes in threes, but they do. They have. And it sucks.

Hi, Nutella? It's Me, Ripe.

2007-10-16T09:19:00.000-05:00

One of the reasons I like the hotel we stay at in Frankfurt each year is for its breakfast. After having been to Italy, I can say the breakfast doesn't hold a candle to what one could eat over there, but I digress because it beats any runny eggs and crispy fat continental breakfast.

Mini croissants - warm
Granola - with cocoa bits
Cheese - soft, perfect for breakfast sandwiches
Meats - to make with said cheese sandwiches

Nutella - in jelly-sized packets

How I love thee.

I bring home a few each time I go there not because I didn't know I could buy Nutella in the grocery store (we should all know that!), but because it's heaven on wheels. Heaven on wheels! Got that? And it's the perfect little size so as to feel like you're not being a heif-heif by consuming it.

Before I left for the trip I was not eating much as I had been so busy at work (note: still busy) and because I was sick of eating crap.

Cue to the wine and beer and wine and champagne and fat-induced breakfasts that I consumed on a daily basis while away. Add to that the obligatory desserts and fabulous ice cream they sell at each of the exits of the convention center.

Hello, I'm Fatso, nice to meet you.

Now that I'm back, my clock is f-ed up. Up at 4:30 yesterday morning, up at 5:30 this morning and I feel that I should have already had my quiche Lorraine or caprese sandwich after my croissants with Nutella. In other words, I feel ready for lunch! But no, at 10:24am I'm eating peanut butter with a fork (already had the rest of my Nutella packet on toast when I woke up) and a banana and a latte...

I'm on the way to Fatsville and I want to turn back.

Please help!

I'm back...

2007-10-15T13:10:00.000-05:00

Did you miss me? Tell me so!

and i am here

2007-10-11T16:40:00.000-05:00

as in germany, the land of the precise and the land of perfect and clean and methodical

and the keyboard screws me up so dont expect punctuation or good spelling

at

all

my sleep comes in dribs and drabs and the u know who is challenging

yes, that is a good way to put it

i thought being peer pressured into drinking was something we did in high school

there is so much this event makes me think about...what i know...what i want to learn...how what i am doing is so relevent to the industry, yet it is short something

something i will find out

not necessarily with a class, degree, baby, or new job

somewhere in between the lines it will appear

my epiphany

for now there are the contacts i have learned and become friends with who hug and kiss me and i must remember the one, the challenging one, who acquainted me with all of this.

and for that i will be grateful and grin and bear it and get up early tomorrow to do it again

god, i miss my husband

how do long distance peeps do it?

ok, me sleepy time now

peace

Tomorrow I'll be in another country...

2007-10-08T14:08:00.000-05:00

But I hope to post at least once while I'm away. This all depends on the Internet, my exhaustion level, and the abilitiy to privately and safely write here...

Wish me luck that my bag arrives safely (my luck with lost/delayed bags is horrible) and that I don't kill the you-know-who.

And drop by here to wish Mrs. Sass all the best; she just got married! Whee!

Have a great week all.

Bub, I'll miss you, but you know that.

Mind Poo

2007-10-05T09:05:00.000-05:00

So I have to say I'm sorry that I've been lame at posting this week, but work has been kicking my butt. So in honor of it being Friday--yay--I feel compelled to write now--while I have a moment at work (shhh, don't tell anyone!)...

First, I just have to say that sometimes I love anonymity. One of my contacts at company we closely work with is someone I've never met in person. So when I was making plans for Germany next week and thought maybe we could meet and get caught up on business there, I was told that he doesn't get to travel to those events, much less leave the state of NY where he resides (and works). And he's like, and I won't be coming to Boston any time soon since I'm a YANKEES fan. He may as well have told me I was fat for the way in which he said it was like a slap in the face! Then he laughed and so did I and that's when I said something to the extent of "The Yankees are going down...so watch out!"

That brings us to today with more banter--an obscenely large Yankees logo taking up space in an email much about nothing was sent to me. So I decided that even though there was no update on our latest agreement that we've been toying back and forth with through legal for months, that I would send a little email his way, throwing in his face that the loss against the Indians was u-g-l-y (you don't need no alibi, you ugly, you UGLY!)...

And so we just had a nice chuckle on the phone now. In your face, Yank pants!

Moving on.

Bub is away this weekend and there's a good chance I won't see him prior to leaving for Frankfurt. Sigh. He's off to Maine for a kayaking trip with his friends as one of them is getting married in the spring and this is his bachelor party. I'm going to miss him, but there's lots of laundry and cleaning and packing and shopping (!) to do before I leave so I'll keep myself busy with that. My parents offered to come over and check out the new kitchen renovations, too.

Hopefully I'll be able to squeeze Bub goodbye once more before I go. Otherwise, I'll be counting down the days to when I see him. I know, I'm a sap. But it gets hard when you're in a routine and then you all of a sudden don't see your best friend for a long time! A week is a long time!

Finally, the last update is that I started my very first online class. I was skeptical about it and still am, but I wanted to write and be pushed and get my mind moving again, wiping the cobwebs away with homework and lectures and stuff. So last night I had to write and it was hard. And I sat in front of a screen for a while typing and deleting and typing. And I put it out there.

I posted my weaknesses and shared my downfalls, but hopefully there's a hidden gem in there somewhere. Hopefully something worked and someone will release me of my insecurities or help me through the process so that I can once again feel like a strong writer and someone who can feel that she knows what she is doing. Because there's been a lot of not knowing lately.

Go Red Sox!

2007-10-03T13:09:00.000-05:00

Go Big Papi!

2007-09-28T09:06:00.000-05:00

A zit has decided to perch itself on my jawline and it's soooo bothering me. I think once you've survived high school, one should never ever have to deal with these things. And it hurts : (

This weekend I won't be thinking all about how I have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn for a train to take me to NY. That is quite nice, I must say.

This weekend is the last full weekend Bub and I will spend together before mid-October. Gross, I know. He has a bachelor party next weekend and the day he returns I leave for Germany. There should be a law about things like this, but for the first time ever, I think, I'm actually looking forward to the trip.

It is grueling, tiring, exhausting, nerve-wracking, and utterly difficult to spend so much time within the confines of an ultra-large convention center for which you must take a bus to get from one hall to the next, but the time spent in close confines with your, ahem, colleague also makes it trying. And then there's the whole working through Saturday and not arriving home and into the arms of your bub until Sunday afternoon which makes it all the more depressing.

But the Europeans? They know about work. Sure, the smoke clouds you have to cut through as you walk in your super cute outfits while everyone is bustling around isn't glam or nose-friendly, but the drinking which commences as early as say, 10am, or the cocktail parties and treats being passed out at the conclusion of each day are always something to look forward to. I mean, how many times have you gone to a meeting and been asked for coffee or water? Here they ask if white or red suffices or perhaps some fizzy water! How adventurous! And you bet I don't think twice about what to drink while ordering in front of the colleague. No way. This is work, people. And it all comes with the package.

Surely there are other fun things to do besides looking forward to the drinks of choice at this event. Yes, sure. The breakfast at our hotel is TDF. The mini baked goods, samplings of meat and cheeses, and then there's the jelly-sized nutellas that I always scoop up in hopes of having some leftover to bring home.

So now you know that food and drink both excite me...ha.

Then there's the little market outside of the convention center which has many kiosks of crafts made by the locals. I haven't been fortunate to find something here before when I've shopped, but goodness, that's because I have my colleague in tote, distracting me from concentrating on all that is glorious.

Finally, there is this feeling of independence and "I did it" while riding the train alone in Germany. This, "this is my job", feeling. And "I can do anything" emotion. And it feels good. Or perhaps it felt good because I was buzzed at the time and sitting quietly trying to make myself feel better about riding the train alone on a Saturday night while the rest of the world celebrated the end of a work week by, well, not working. But I digress...

So all the work that happens between the TDF breakfast and the drinks and sporadic parties? Well, that's something to feel good about. Important about. Everyone is excited to share what is new and forthcoming and wonderful. And although I often wish I was on the other side of the meeting table sharing the wealth of information I have, the grass is always greener on the other side, now isn't it?

Now only if I were solving problems like world peace or something, then I'd be all set.

Happy Friday, peeps.
+++P.S. Is anyone watching this? If so, thoughts??

Not sure how to feel

2007-09-26T15:04:00.001-05:00

I had my review today. That annual thing where you say things about yourself and how great you are in hopes of promotion-ville or raise-ville or fantastic feedback-ville.

After my first review here, I got a raise, but it was a surprise; I expected nothing as I have been in positions where, if you do not get a promotion, you get little or nothing. I expected the latter, but instead I got double the "norm" or whatever that is.

Double.

I was psyched.

And so now as I near my 2.5 tenure here, I waited for something similar. I mean, who knew what the review would bring. I got the juicy raise last year, the office this summer, I was sort of on an up and up.

I got solid feedback and I was reminded of things I did that I forgot I did--and they were good things.

But I left without anything to feel great about--no additional moolah, no promotion, nada.

One thing about where I am in a position is the growth that comes with it. I have grown here, but I'm always looking for the next milestone to reach. And although they hardly (outside of my direct report) promote others, I can't help but wonder what the turning point will be for me here.

What is next?

And I find myself saying that alot lately with not just work, but with my life's path.

I've never been one to plan...I just sort of followed. And I know that's not very creative, but I mean, I went to college because it's expected and it was the right thing to do--at least for me. And then I found my first job, which was what you were supposed to do after you graduated (unless you went to school, but publishing doesn't require it, so there you go), and then I got married to my husband because when you find your love, that's what you do--you don't let them go! And so then you're where I am...at this crossroads where you are the person who has to decide what's next because there is no more flow--I mean, the flow can happen in any number of ways.

Am I beating a dead horse here?

Anyway, all of the above aside, I will leave you with this question:

Where does one find inexpensive, but fun accessories/jewelry? I'm talking a red-beaded necklace or something of the sort? I'm in need of fun items like these. Similar to the Mint Julep's of the world (or the 2 that are in MA)...

Bostonians, speak up! Or else, point me to any good sites for online shopping!

Merci beaucoup!

Tired

2007-09-25T15:07:00.000-05:00

I survived the 3:45am wakeup call yesterday, the meetings, the presentation, the boss.

I am still tired.

I prepare now for the 40+ meetings in Germany in less than 2 weeks.

I returned to the office to learn that the one dead mouse they found in a closet adjacent to my office had friends; additional mice carcasses were discovered.

I'm glad I wasn't here for that. I am here, however, for a lingering smell...

We finally painted our kitchen this weekend. It's not quite finished. It's almost done and then there's laundry and cleaning and switching and switching back summer to fall to summer clothes. What is up with the temps?

There has been mulling over of babies, reading of articles about how women are forced to decide between career or baby or both or what? And then there's the whole when you're 27, your fertility decreases. I'm officially old and almost 27 1/2.

Some of you Internets make me feel old in your 24 and earlier ages. What happened to the time?

I know I'm being slightly melodramatic and I know that I'm not old...yet...but I feel it. Planning out things like having babies is serious. I take it seriously. I don't understand how one plunges into this. How does one plunge?

Sex, I can understand, plunging, I cannot.

It's Gabriel

2007-09-20T19:17:00.000-05:00

There, I confessed it.

Moving on.

I'm exhausted. Today was so busy with all those meetings I said would eat up my day. And I feel like I can't be 100% psyched for the weekend because come Monday morning, my ass will be up at 4am, not to go to the gym, not to get to work early, but to board a train that will haul my ass to NYC for meetings--more meetings--all day. And my last meeting? Won't end until after 4pm, which means, yay, that will suck. And I don't and can't and won't elaborate that much more except I tried to take my chances with a train ride to NYC instead of flying because I'm so sick of the delays and the pain in the ass that going to the airport is. But seriously, our first meeting requires me to get on the earliest possible train in the history of ever. So I'll be arriving one hour and fifteen minutes early for the first meeting because if I don't plan ahead and be on time which I hardly ever am, I'll most likely be late seeing as how the next train, which would require my being up at a mere hour later--5am, gets me to NY fifteen minutes earlier than when my meeting starts.

Bored yet? I am. Tired yet? I am.

Ugh. Anyone up for caffeine suckage downage at 8am in NY on Monday morning?

Thought so.

Happy almost weekend.

Short 'n Sweet

2007-09-19T14:16:00.000-05:00

I'm sipping on a nonfat pumpkin spice latte...

I'm having thoughts about going shopping after work (shocker) in that this week has been torture trying to figure out how not to freeze my buns in the office (hello, it's freezing) and because it is very close to fall, and I should no longer be milking my warm-weather wardrobe.

I went through my casual tops and I seem to have 2 black, 2 green, 2 white/very light, long sleeve numbers and a couple of borderline spring long sleevers-too. How exciting, huh?

I have either summery or wintery cardigans and the new sweater I bought is definitely too warm for now.

So yes, now that I feel good in the shoe department (and I am wearing these today, for the second day in a row, because I love them so much and because they are comfortable which is a hard thing to come by in shoes), I need to concentrate on the stuff that will cover up my underwear while in the office.

The office has been quiet because my boss has been out since Monday. Tomorrow she returns and we have too many meetings planned. More than I usually have in a month. OK, maybe that's exaggerating the facts, but it's a lot and they're practically back to back. And dammit, I was productive this morning and it seems to be waning, my drive, hence the post.

En route to my trip to the bucks that is star for this latte, I called my friend who just had a baby boy. I heard him in the background. I heard her talking about diapers and c-sections, and dialation. I heard her speak the gooey baby talk to this baby whose name I'm fairly sure I'm not a fan of. But I would never ever ever tell her because she is my friend and she doesn't need my opinion about what she named her first born child. And she doesn't read this blog (or so I hope), so I think it's safe to say that.

Anyway, I got a mommy pang while listening to all of this baby talk from her, and that's all I am gonna say about it.

More later.

Weekend Roundup

2007-09-17T10:38:00.000-05:00

I left work early on Friday because the boss did and my mind was fried. We decided to walk away from the house I wrote about here. We decided that it's too expensive to chase, but being that it's a divorce situation, we know they must get rid of it and have no other offers on the table. Perhaps it will drop in cost, but for now, we'll continue to enjoy our condo.

I got a manicure just before going to pick up Bub at the train station. When I collected my husband, we went straight to a wine tasting where we were meeting my family to support the organization my sister volunteers at. The organization has to do with animals. The event was held in a hall. The event smelled like animals, namely cat litter.

We left after some tasting and stopped at a local Mexican place for some late dinner before some TV and then bed.

Saturday was consumed by cleaning. Cleaning the new kitchen counters and sink we just had installed. Cleaning the inside and outside of cabinets and reorganizing every item including the 6 boxes of cous cous we didn't know we had.

Bub was a laundry superstar. I had on my sexy plastic gloves for toilet and tub scrubbing pleasure.

Then it was off to 3 grocery stores in search of manicotti squares in order to make dinner for my friend who was visiting from DC.

No one sells damn maincotti, so lasagne was made instead. Bub thought it might be weird since it was a manicotti recipe for which I was making lasagne. I reminded him that manicotti and lasagne are booth NOODLE dishes. It would be OK.

It was OK--in fact, it was delish.

No lasagne leftovers remain.

Yesterday we went to the "Natick Collection" to see the first Nordstrom of Massachusetts. I bought shoes which I am wearing today. And they are glorious. Bub got a new suit. He is just the most handsome man ever in a suit.

We were exhausted after battling the cars and crowds at the newly renovated "collection" (mall!) and headed home. Some more TV and some more cleaning completed the evening. I finally got my Harry Potter books from Amazon and got back to reading where I had left off when I borrowed book 2 on the Cape several weeks ago.

I'm now writing this with 34 emails to follow up on and a bazillion things to do. You can see where my priorities lie. I also have the door shut, my space heater on, and I'm contemplating looking on the Starbucks Web site to pick out a new drink to go get at lunch to keep warm.

Any suggestions? I'm tired of lattes.

Ahhh, Mondays.

Emotionally Exhausted for a Friday

2007-09-14T12:04:00.000-05:00

Thank goodness 1/2 this work day is over! I am spent and so is Bub.

We found a house we both really, really like. We can see ourselves and our phantom family living there.

I have become borderline obsessed.

Bub has been doing and redoing and doing again (only to do again) our numbers. We've budgeted every item down to the expensive shampo0 and waxing appointments.

Being a grownup sucks.

We may have to walk away from this one. It could be the right thing to do financially when you already have a mortgage to pay and all the other bills that come with this thing called your life.

But what ever happened to that line your teachers, your parents, your friends, and even those bumper stickers said when you were in predicaments like this?

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Let there be a way.

I've begun...

2007-09-12T09:04:00.000-05:00

I've started my fall shopping and I'm looking for inspiration. My first purchase? A Michael Kors flowy, black, top with subtle detail. Perfect to dress up or down; I shall be taking it on my trip to Germany in four short weeks.

Yesterday, I purchased these:

I was looking for something different than my usual flats and I'm hoping (since I haven't yet tried them on) that they won't let me down. They're by Frye, a brand I had't yet encountered.

For some reason finding clothes for the warmer months is easier than finding outfits for the colder weather. Maybe it's the layering and, therefore, the need to have more clothing, but I feel like my cute summer look goes to blah once the leaves change.

Making the annual trek to Frankfurt each autumn is a good reason to shop since everyone who attends the work event wears to-die-for ensembles. Even their hosiery is impressive.

Why, then, can't shopping be my full-time job?

And I just remembered that the black top wasn't my first purchase at all. I have a blue cardigan on the way that I completely forgot about!

9-11

2007-09-11T09:52:00.001-05:00

We will never forget.

Sick. Of. It

2007-09-10T12:52:00.000-05:00

I don't know how my husband does it. He's worked at the same company for 10 years and he gets up early, puts on a smiling face, and then faces the music.

Me? I must be bored, but I've had it here. And because I've posted pics of myself and feel all paranoid, I'll keep my big mouth shut.

I'm either totally PMSing or way annoyed. I had a chocolate frosted donut this morning too. Despite me feeling the cellulite growing at an alarming rate, I should have enjoyed it way more given that it was the only bright part of my morning outside of reading some funny posts, emails, and remembering that I'm in an office now and can shut the door.

I'd be happy to trade places with Britney Spears, however. I can take her millions and make my hair look 100% better than hers, love my kids, not use drugs, and actually look like I'm having fun on stage. I mean, what gives?

The weekend has finally come

2007-09-07T17:12:00.000-05:00

There is something about short work-weeks that make it seem even longer to get to the weekend.

I've just arrived home with the promise of a weekend not fully booked. Of course, the time gets eaten up by something, whether it be have-to-do's or should-do's or a few fun things that steal the time.

I'm still on a Harry Potter kick and I had hoped that the books I ordered earlier this week would have arrived by now. There are plenty of other things I could read, including the book Bub really wants me to, but for some reason I can't get into it just yet. I fear I'll forget what I need to know about Harry in order to continue onto the next part of the story. Silly, I know.

I've been telling people today to brave the heat and stay cool. Although summer is only here until later this month (sadly), after Labor Day I take a double-take at the clothes and shoes people don because, well, it's not summer officially in my book unless it's the months of June, July, and August.

I'll miss the heat, the sigh of relief that I breathe upon leaving the office as I thaw from the generic, stale air-conditioning which leaves a film of morgue proportions on my skin and changes my fingers to a pale purple (it is true).

But with fall comes mystery. As we prepare to step out into chillier nights and darker skies after long days in front of the screen's glow, I recall the fall and all its promise when at college. Pledging for the sorority, blindfolds, drinking from cheap wine bottles while screaming the fight song.

The same crisp air stays with me well into the autumn and early winter seasons. But when winter comes hard, the mystery is gone. All that's left is shivering, bone-chilling, discomfort.

And sometimes snow.

How Do You Know???

2007-09-04T12:14:00.000-05:00

So this past weekend, although a relaxing one filled with yummy eating, running and hiking, shopping and napping, it also consisted of vocalizing the results of my soul searching.

On Friday, before being let out of work early (yay!), I opened a fresh word doc to pour all my career options if I were to become prego or if I were to wait. Here's the list in no particular order:

Prego/Have Child NOW:

Freelancing
Going back to work at current job part or full time
Finding a new full/part time job here
Finding a new full/part time job there—move (London?)
Going to school—MFA—teaching?
Applying to law school again?
Opening a business
Staying at home full time; screw work
Moving with family and stay at home

WAIT (do not get prego):

Continuing working at current job
Finding a new job here
Moving, finding a new job there
Freelancing
Opening a business
Applying to school—MFA—teaching?
Applying to law school again

My gut reactions are that I don't want to go to law school. I don't know what my business would be and therefore could not open it, but the bakery idea sounds like it could be it.

I like the idea of writing at home while taking care of little Nora or Curtis...

Part of me just wants to see how it goes--why should I know 100% what I'm going to do? That would just jinx it, right?

So...I took out a pad of paper and started making a list of lifetime goals with Bub on Saturday morning. The list looked sort of like this but had a Courtney/Bub column. And we didn't stop at career, we put down how many kids we think we want, where we think we want our vacation house to be, and yes, at what ages we hope to conceive so as plan out our parenting life.

Parenting life.

Last week I talked to my old college roommate who is due to give birth any day now. When I asked her if she was ready and how she knew she said that she wanted to get her masters, yes, that she wanted to work full time even. But that holding her son in her arms was so much more exciting and fantastic an idea when it came down to comparing that to a cold degree sitting in a frame over her desk.

I understood.

Ladies and gentlemen (or invisible readers anywhere). I think I have successfully planned out how things will look in the future. Though I'm not a mother today, I have heard the words that have been spoken several times to me now: No matter how much you plan for things, things are never quite as they seem and go according to plan. Be open minded.

Now that I've peeled away the anxiety of being in a small condo, being five years out of school, wanting to do so much in life and how and if and when I'll do those things as a parent, too, I'm left with the feelings of concrete and raw "How do you know?" How do you know when you're ready to be a parent, ready to start seriously trying? Ready. Ready. Ready. Should you have read a book about it? Had an epiphany? What?

I get the ovaries humming sensation when I see an adorable baby, wave back at the little girl across the street, say goodbye to the cute little boy I just met at a get together with friends, but I do not get this feeling with every baby and toddler.

I'm terrified. And that's what I'm most anxious about.

So for anyone who's a parent who ever sees this post, please share with me how you know.

Despite my anxiety about this subject in earlier posts, I am truly doing better and feeling like I'm close to knowing how I feel. The terrified part remains...what if I'm not smart enough? Know enough? What if I'm too young, too immature? What if I'm not fun enough? What if? What if?

Someone please tell me something. Tell me anything, even if it's that I'll miss red wine too much while carrying my unborn child or that I shouldn't think I'm too young because hello? I've known my husband 6 years, been married for over 1, and he's ready and I want to be, too.

Please don't judge me. I'm just trying to figure this out.

United Again

2007-08-27T13:29:00.000-05:00

Welcome home.

*To protect the identity of my car, I've found a photo that resembles it before it was physically assaulted.

More Stroller Talk

2007-08-26T14:29:00.000-05:00

I think the most terrifying thing I can think of happening if we were to have a baby now as opposed to a few years from now is that certain doors will close and when I look back and see that I made that choice, the option will be gone. Or will it?

I'm pretty sure I explained in an earlier post that someone told me that it's about putting off a certain path (school and anything else), and not thinking that the path is not possible after I become a mother.

I have learned that I can look past the issue of having a bigger space in that we've been searching for a new home for a while now, albeit in some form: looking online, somewhat actively looking (driving by houses), very actively looking (attending open houses), and I know that when the right place comes along on the right tree-lined street in the calm, country suburb or within walking distance to the city, we'll be better for it. But for now, redoing some of our kitchen with fresh paint and countertops and assessing what projects we want to do next for the new tenants or for the time being, is okay. I can feel good about that.

Bub and I have known each other six years. I've come to this comfortable lull of work where my my routine, it exists. Is it the perfect, mind-blowing dream job? No, but I don't know what that job is, so if I were to search for it, I'm not sure I could. There are so many ways to go when it comes to life. I always talk about opening up that bakery, and just two short years ago I thought I would be planning for law school. Now? i'm thinking MFA's, freelance, moving to another place, and the list goes on and on.

For others, their 20's are for them. They want to travel. They feel like babies are aliens and they don't get it. I don't get it.

I don't easily let my dreams die. And whether they come true before or after I have children, they'll still thrive in my core.

Being a parent is a path to choose and it opens doors and doesn't necessarily close them. School, tuition bills, opening my own business and the stresses of wondering if it will survive can all exist, so can relocation to another part of the world, but for now, as a 27-year-old woman, what is right? What is selfish? What is next? And what am I waiting for, exaclty? I'm excited to find out.

So to the little boy we met yesterday at Bub's birthday BBQ (no German chocolate cake was made; more on that later), I could take you home and love you as if you were my own because you loved life more than everyone else there. And we'll remember your smile when we think about that night and how the future holds so much for the parents that Bub and I hope to be.

My Chihuahua* Bites!

2007-08-24T12:31:00.000-05:00

Bub's birthday is tomorrow and I'm excited because I've finally decided what I'll be making him. No pineapple upside down cakes like last year (although tasty). Bub weighs in on what he wants. It came down to German Chocolate Cake and some Chocolate Chip Sour Cream cake number. Although he hasn't outright said it, I think he's more interested in the German Chocolate Cake. And since it's not my birthday, I haven't said either way what I'd prefer to make, but I vote for German Chocolate Cake, too. The thing is, the recipe I'm using is from Magnolia's Bakery cookbook, a gift from a long-lost friend (who again is now lost) who gave it to me at my bridal shower. So far, other recipes in the book haven't let me down aside from weighing me down with the fat and fat and fat that the recipes often call for (buttermilk, butter, etc.). Anywho.

I went to the grocery store in hopes of getting what I needed for said cake, but should have planned ahead because I couldn't recall what we already had in the house. That on top of the fact that we're in desperate need of regular non-cake related items had me thinking that it's not to be avoided; I'll need to go to the grocery store in the early a.m., hopefully after or before a trip to the gym since hi, I haven't been in almost three weeks. EEEEEEK. Feeling guilty? Scarily, no. I'm making up for it by not eating much and having wine for dinner.

I digress.

Since my lunch plan to go get groceries failed, I hit Starbucks for a piece of reduced-fat coffee cake and an iced non-fat latte (can't they just say "skim latte"?) for lunch. Then I fit in a trip to a nail place literally 2 seconds from my office to get a polish change for my toes.

I had heard good things about the place or mostly non-bad things about it from my co-workers. I just wanted the quick change because my French pedi had gone to hell and I was wearing sandals (because it's a bazillion degrees out) and would be tomorrow and my toes were scary. I have this thing about wearing sandals when toes are not in at least "good" condition, if not freshly painted and in excellent shape. I know, I'm a high-maintenance nails person or H-MNP. So I went and picked out my color and marveled at how I'm so great to fit this into my lunch hour and was not paying a ton for fancy shmancy pedi (if I had more time, I probably would have just had the whole kit and caboodle).

I digress.

So Mr. Polish takes me down to a chair to change my French into My Chihuahua Bites! when I saw three little girls sitting in chairs all having just finished with their pedis.

By the time I got done and went to dry my toes, the three girls had migrated over to the drying area too, and I came to sit across one of the blonde girls. They couldn't have been more than 10. Not triplets, but maybe. Their mother was getting a French manicure. She was very good with them, keeping her eye on things while chatting up another Mr. Polish.

The little girl who sat across from me made eye contact so I smiled. I couldn't see her mouth because she was so short, but she smiled back at least with her eyes. After they were done drying, they were wandering around, waiting for mom. The girl who had sat across from me looked like she might be a cheerleader when she was older. Cute little yellow skirt with matching tank top. Long straight blonde hair and bangs. She loved to have fun; it was apparent.

Another girl had the curly-crazy blonde hair. She might be the tom-boy, sporty girl. She had on her cute little girl clothes and big girl sandals. They really were big girl because they looked like hand-me-downs that had been worn a little but ones which she had not yet grown into. Being a little wild-child (I'm not sure she was, but from appearance, I think she could be), I don't think she cared what she looked like.

Then there was the third girl. AKA the girl who resembled me. Short bob 'do. A bit haute couture for a girl that age (not that I was haute couture, but I was the girl who had short hair at that age out of my friends and sister, although brunette) and then she turns and yes, the glasses. She was the only one of the three with the glasses. She was wearing what I would have worn: Birkenstock sandals just like Mom bought me and jean shorts. From what I witnessed, she was quieter and more withdrawn.

I wondered at what age the woman had her kids. She seemed happy, not that old, and really with it as a parent. She was already figuring out with one of her kids what her daughter would wear on Halloween and telling her not to stress; she had a couple of months! It was still August!

And I was jealous of this mom who could go get her nails done with her girls. Another summer Friday, another day carrying on. Being a parent. No cares about MFA's, work, not going to the gym...

I finished first. My toes were done and I had to be back to work (so that I could write this post) and that family could be left to their own devices. Swimming pools, sunshine, growing up together.

*No, I don't have a chihuahua.

Stuff

2007-08-21T08:30:00.000-05:00

While getting ready for work, or simply sulking in bed that ick, it's not Friday or a day off from work and what the fuck?, I think about all the stuff I want to get done at work. Then I get here and, of course, I just have to see who wrote me who's not from work. And then I have to see who posted last night. So here I am now. Here's my post. My stuff.

While we were at the christening, Bub's 25-year-old cousin blurted out: So are you planning on having kids in the future? The room went silent. I was like oh, my, god. What the f? I managed to mumble something like: Yeah, we're going to have a family, we just don't know when.

Can you say pressure? The woman who does my nails, the receptionist at the dentist, and a random woman I met while I was away for work all asked me, Any babies yet? Is it really your business?

I have a to-do list before I go using a stroller. I want to be in a bigger home (a house) since our 1-bed isn't exactly the most ideal place to put things like a crib, changing area, baby clothes (where we'd put those, I don't know--under the bed is already taken), baby stroller/carrier, toys, and so on. I want to paint a nursery, hang a mobile, pick out our rocker and place it just so in the baby's room.

However, a few people, including one friend who has two kids, told me it can be done in our space, our 1-bed condo. Solicited advice? No. Another friend says that the year of the pig (2007) is better than next year (year of the mouse) to conceive and so we should think about trying later this year.

That discussion took place in a public bathroom. Again, advice not solicited.

My other to-do item is to figure out school. What does that mean? Figure. Out. School. Figure out what??

Someone told me that I'm thinking as if I cannot do anything once the baby is born. Instead, I've learned that I'm really feeling that I don't want to do such and such after I have a baby because I won't want to. The motivation will die. The baby will be my universe. Normal, right? Well, in that case, I want to prepare and do all I can now. Pre-baby belly.

I really feel that it's time to assess what the next step is for my career/education/future. As much as I can see myself enjoying staying home and being with a kid, I'd like to stay connected with a world where I feel that I know something, can be good at it, and perhaps do it from my home so as to have both. I think I sound selfish, I know. Bub, I'm sorry!

It's a lot of money, grad school. But I feel like if I put it off, I won't do it. But it's taken me 5 years to get to this point of knowing I want to do something. To be challenged. (Hello and goodbye law school!)

Words and books and reading and writing. Those things I have a connection to in some way. I was the English major, the girl who wrote on random pieces of paper and napkins to get stuff out. The girl who had journals and diaries. The girl who loved to feel moved by words and to be gripped late into the night and (not recently) early in the morning, before brushing my teeth. It was a friend, the story, you went inside and felt what the characters felt.

But can I do it? One program I'm looking at taunts me with the long papers, longer bibliographies, and endless reading. I got my degree in English; why is scaring me? It does.

And then there's part of me that says, why wait to start trying? Bub is older and we don't have to wait for anything. Things will fall as they may and work themselves out. But I don't want regret. I fear it. And I fear I'll be upset if I don't have these items planned out in advance...which begs the question: How do you know when you're ready? Do you feel it? I see strangers' children and I feel all tingly. I held little James Patrick and yes, he's cute, but I was even more confused about what to want and when.

So this is the debate I have. And sure, if we had a baby today, I'd be OK. We'd be OK. But after seeing Bub's cousins (not the one who has the baby), but the young ones who are just starting to figure out what they want to major in in college, where they want to work now that they've graduated college, and what schools they'll apply to once they've finished senior year, I sort of want to go back only to have time to decide all over again.

Update

2007-08-20T09:04:00.000-05:00

Hi All,

We were on the Cape with the in-laws and to the christening of Bub's cousin's little boy, James Patrick. He is adorable! It was trying at times being immersed in so much of Bub's family in a concentrated time period and I should be a pro at this since Bub and I have been together for a while now, but I just seem to get so cranky. I really do need some space which I was able to get on the beach with my shuffle and with some Harry Potter. Yes, I'm slow to join all those that have enjoyed the phenomenon that is Harry Potter.

I'm feeling a bit better than I was last week. The flowers Bub sent survived the weekend while I was away and couldn't bring them home since we left straight from work to go away. My car is having surgery as I write this. Well, OK, I don't know about that. But I have the rental car that smells a bit like dog and I've bid my car a big goodbye while it gets some work done. In addition, we are going to see if we can get 1-2 other little imperfections fixed I was OK to live with since they're rather minor, but since I'm now having real work done, I may as well get my Acura baby all gussied up!

I'm strangely sort of *happy*? Wait, that's not right. OK. Yes, I'm OK to be here at work. The office is still heavenly in all its remoteness from the boss. I have a million emails and a ton to do from being out only 1.5 days, but a voicemail from a new contact at an organization we've been working with for a while gives me a sense of renewed hope since the woman who I thought was going to be my contact has given me every reason to find her snobby, stuck-up, and just plain rude. Doesn't return phone calls, emails, and bails on an IN PERSON meeting. Yes, it's true.

I still have a bunch of emails left waiting--some that could break the otherwise OK (happy?) mood I'm in.

My guy's birthday is Saturday. My parents' wedding anniversary is then, too. The eyebrows need help.

It's Monday. I'm ready for a good week. (Knock on wood.)

Aftermath

2007-08-15T11:31:00.000-05:00

Thank goodness for car insurance and for companies that do things quick (knock on wood; I don't have my fixed car back already or anything!), but they're starting something on Monday.

Thank you guys for making me feel better. Apparently good things happen when you scrape your car:

You get flowers sent to work to surprise you coming back from the collision center.

They're from my loving and supportive (what scrape? that's NOTHING--so tiny!) husband.

You get a "Don't worry--at least nothing happened to you" pep talk from Mom.

When I had told a couple people at work what happened and Bub already knew, I called my Dad, but when he's in a meeting and says he'll call you back you think you ARE an adult and you CAN act mature. But when he doesn't call back you wonder, what was I going to say? Poor me? So when I talked to my mom later in the day and Dad was out, he called me back when he got home and said "Courtney, that's why they're called accidents."

I woke up depressed. Really, I do need to get a grip.

Oh, and Kwarterlifecrisis? Where did your blog go to? I was looking to read something to make me laugh and it says it's been deleted?! Please share...why? How? Why? Or is my link to it just dumb?

Disaster

2007-08-14T09:36:00.001-05:00

It's setting in.

The nauseous feeling.

The upset.

The pissed off.

The really, really, fucking pissed off.

I fucked up my car today.

OK, fucked up is maybe too harsh for what happened.

It's still driveable.

I can still walk.

I hit no one.

I hit no other car.

I fucking hit the corner.

The corner you say?

The corner of a pole.

I do a 3- point turn to get into our assigned space behind home.

It's covered--we appreciate not having to shovel snow or get drenched in the rain.

It's near the trash. We don't likey.

And it's sandwiched between some lady who parks horrendously (is afraid of the CORNER of the pole touching her car--now I see why).

And a beautiful brand new beam-ma-ma.

And so I back out of the spot and do a 3-point turn to depart.

I'm used to this.

It's been years.

Yeeeears.

And so. I back up. And there are 2 beam-ma-ma's behind us. I always hope nothing ever happens to their cars. I take care in backing up.

Lately? I haven't been paying super close attention to backing up. I can feel that it's been enough time to cut the wheel. I realize this is unacceptable and I remind myself of that today.

I did NOT back into their cars. Instead, while in my head, I decided to look ahead, look straight ahead at the right hand turn I would take for the umpteenth time.

Crunch.

CRUNCH, people.

Crunch.

Off to the collision repair shop at lunch I go.

Fighting back tears, I call them on my way to work.

I'm the girl who opened the glove compartment at the light I would turn left at for the umpteenth time, searching. I had tons of papers from past trips to the dealer. I was the girl in a rage trying to find it.

The sticky.

The yellow sticky slick car dude who escorts me to my serviced car at the dealer many times gave me when I squawked at the ding. The DING that I had made with the end of an umbrella putting it into the trunk.

The sticky that now taunts me.

I call the number. Tears are burning the back of my throat.

Get it together, I tell myself.

Get it together.

Jessica, she says her name is.

JESSICA! I need to come in--appointment--car. SCRAPE.

No appointment needed.

I ask if I can come at lunch.

Yes.

I ask if they're going to order shiny new somethings for my car.

I ask to come at lunch.

She wants me to stop talking, to hang up.

I am the girl who honked at you when you didn't put a blinker on in a bottle neck and debated whehter or not a trip to Dunkin Donuts was better than driving properly. I honked and then laughed at myself.

They will stare and see maniac driver. Maniac driver with a wheel well and 1/2 a passenger door scraped. A small piece of metal mangled.

I looked so quickly. Maybe it's not bad. Maybe.

I turn my right side mirror down. I can't see anything. Is it supposed to look like that?

I pull into the parking lot at work. I park in the last row. I will not wear my shame publicly unless it's to the strangers that pass me on the highway, the backroads, those that will see the car in our space at home.

I park and I sit and then I go face the disaster.

Get a grip. It's not Cancer.

But it will be expensive.

The Office

2007-08-10T09:41:00.000-05:00

People, life is grand. I awaited the very moment when I could type this post from the surrounding silence that is my office.

Yes, I'm in my brand new office. Well, it's not quite brand new as it was an office for the person who used it before me, but let me tell you that this is such an accomplishment for me. If only a promotion or even a raise accompanied such a move, it would be perfect. You never know.

You see, when I started working here just a little over two years ago, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that we would receive our own laptop to be upgraded every so often so as to stay on track with the latest models. I was so excited by this as that that begged the question: can I work from home and not come into the office? I can take this wherever I wish and yada, yada, yada.

Then I was shown where I was to work with my shiny new laptop and I was so anxious to see which office I would get as the whole department was a series of window and windowless separations for hard work and conference calls. Except, I was lead down a hall to a table similar to ones used for a bake sale. A few office supplies sat and a chair was nearby, too.

The conditions were not even up to par for a temp or intern; what the hell was going on?

Little did I remember of the small talk I made during one of my interviews. It came back to me: renovations, new offices, and furniture. Moving to another area. Yada, yada, yada.

We moved to a series of cubes while the renovation took place. And the bottom line? I was given a cube in a sea of offices. Sure, there were other cubes around in other departments. And three. Not one, but THREE offices were vacant for at least six months in our department as I was told no, these were for managers--more senior level people. Um, my title has manager in it.

So my boss tells me that she's doing what she can to get me an office (this is after I've been in the cube well over a year). Great. Where was she going to stick me now that there were no vacant offices? I had just as many conference calls as her which was fun when I was trying to hear and had everyone communing in the hall (right by my DESK) to chat about the upcoming weekend, Red Sox game, you name it. So that all ended quickly; I soon took all important scheduled calls to the (you guessed it) conference room.

But then something happened! We acquired another company. Changes. And I hear that someone is going to switch their job within the company and be working remotely permanently.

That was leaked to me two months ago. After a ton of "When do you think you'll be moving your stuff out?" I'm now here. Finally.

And now it's me who can shut it all out: conference calls other people are on, my boss beckoning me to come into her office, people socializing, with a turn of the knob and the closing of my door.

Happy Friday.

100 Things About Moi

2007-08-07T15:27:00.000-05:00

I tried to do one of these a long time ago, but never made it to 100. Here goes nothin'.

1. I had no middle name up until 1 year and 14 days ago.
2. My middle name is my maiden name.
3. Bub is a nickname I gave to my husband after calling him that one day. It stuck but it is a recent nickname as we've been together for a little over 6 six years.
4. My husband started calling me Bub, too. So we're both Bubs.
5. I've been at my current job for almost 2 1/2 years.
6. I think I'm ready for a change, but my next move has to be strategic.
7. As Daily Editor will tell you, Boston is a tough place to do what we want to do.
8. I used to work wtih Daily Editor. She's a cool lady.
9. No one at work (knock on wood) knows about my blog. I'd like to keep it that way since I like to complain about the place.
10. My family and in-laws don't know anything about the blog either.
11. When I'm pissed I slam the door and use profanities.
12. Bub hates it.
13. I'm afraid of death.
14. I'm afraid of sleeping at home alone. I get creeped out that someone is trying to break in or is in the house.
15. I get coffee envy. If someone has coffee in the morning at work and I don't, I get slightly annoyed that I didn't stop on the way to work.
16. We have an espresso/cappuccino-maker at home. I don't need to buy any damn coffee.
17. I'm a car commuter while Bub is a train/bus commuter.
18. I check my email just about 1,213,754 times a day. I'm a little obsessed.
19. I check my junk mail first in case anything slips in there. Heh.
20. I'm ten years younger than Bub.
21. We have two turtles: red-eared sliders, Stella and Fred (or George--he has two names).
22. Stella is bigger than George, but younger.
23. They fight.
24. I'm an adventurous eater. I love European breakfasts with the cured meats and cheese.
25. Bub tells me that's adventurous. Maybe that's just a nice way of telling me I like to eat : )
26. My mom tells me I have the twin gene. My grandmother had a twin.
27. I want to move to a bigger home before we start trying to get pregnant.
28. I want to paint the nursery and get it ready while I have a belly.
29. We only have one bedroom now which could make having a baby hard.
30. I applied to law school and got rejected.
31. Three times.
32. I'm okay with that.
33. I want to go back to school for my MFA, but can't justify spending money on classes where I only write.
34. I secretly think I'm not good enough.
35. I want to open a bakery, but I'm not sure if I like it as just a hobby.
36. I'm an aggressive driver.
37. Bub hates it, yet he's one, too (sorry!)
38. Bub is one of my only loyal readers. He never comments, though.
39. I'm a great speller.
40. I marched in Bush's first inaugural parade--the present Bush.
41. I don't care much for him, but the televised parade was pretty damn cool.
42. I was in the marching band in college and in high school.
43. I didn't play an instrument; I was in the color guard.
44. I was a stressed bride.
45. I got the worst sun burn the month I got married and the lines didn't go away.
46. I wore a strapless dress.
47. My makeup person was awesome. Nothing showed.
48. I've been to Europe 6 times.
49. Most of those times I was in Germany for work.
50. We've talked about moving to London.
51. I don't think we will.
52. I want a doggy and a kitty.
53. This list thing is really hard. I'm a procrastinator.
54. Shhh, don't tell work.
55. There are a bunch of things I could be doing now.
56. I love spas and especially love getting a manicure or a facial.
57. My first manicure was when I went to prom.
58. I asked my prom date to go with me and not the other way around.
59. My best friend from college and former roommate doesn't talk to me anymore.
60. I'm not the only one, but I feel that the friends I used to be close to changed.
61. It hurts and it's hard to meet new people aside from those you first meet at a new job.
62. I've had thoughts of ending this blog.
63. But I have a pretty good track record. It'll be 2 later this year.
64. My following is invisible, if that.
65. I think I need to give my writing a pep talk.
66. I like beer. But only the good stuff.
67. I like red wine better than white.
68. Most mixed drinks can go to hell save sangria and espresso martinis.
69. I like blogs that make me laugh. Thanks guys.
70. I'm stunned I made it this far on the list. I have had dreams about being killed.
71. They're not frequent and haven't happened in a while.
72. I like well-worded emails better than when someone calls me on the phone at work.
73. I wear contacts.
74. My first pair of glasses was purchased in the second grade.
75. I sat next to my crush "Chris" at school and told him I was getting glasses.
76. He said he would break them. I was in love. But he smelled.
77. I love chocolate.
78. I'm allergic to penicillin.
79. I broke my wrist in the first grade after I wore my brand new patent leather shoes for our Christmas concert.
80. I got a snoopy sling and had to write with the opposite hand for weeks.
81. I'm a lefty.
82. The first time I was on a plane was my senior year of high school.
83. I went on a cruise with my best friend and her dad.
84. It was, like, so awesome!
85. She's still my best friend.
86. We can't eat chicken for dinner unless we're at a restaurant.
87. Bub is allergic so we don't have it at dinner. I'll have turkey sandwiches at lunch, though.
88. My list is almost done. I love lip gloss.
89. But recently switched over to lipstick.
90. I'm still adjusting.
91. I love Sephora.
92. I used to be a gym rat and now I barely make it there twice a week.
93. I lost a lot of weight from school (or so I'm told) but think I can do at least one size smaller.
94. I used to be really thin when I was younger and my pediatrician threatened me with a trip to the hospital if I didn't start eating more.
95. I used to play the violin and took private lessons; I own my own and haven't picked it up in years.
96. I was an English major.
97. My boss makes me feel dumb. Most of the time.
98. I love to bake, especially when there aren't any sweets around.
99. We went to the Cape every summer growing up--maybe that's why that whole first time on a plane thing didn't happen right away.
100. I took ballet (then pointe, jazz, and tap) lessons for 13 years with the same teacher.

That's my list! Here's another couple of Maine photos, too.

First: One of the lighthouses we saw while we were away.

Second: The view from FDR and Eleanor Roosevelt's 10,000 square foot cottage...

What the F?

2007-08-05T21:58:00.000-05:00

I made a happy little post of photos and notes from our Maine trip. The formatting got f-ed and now I have no patience so I've deleted my post :(

I'm so annoyed!

Anyway, I'm alive and well and maybe if I have the patience I'll try to post photos another time.

Ugh. For now, here's one that I really like of our campsite and Bub's solitary speculation of what it's like being married to a crazy person:

A little note...

2007-07-26T18:56:00.000-05:00

We are at the b&b bar. Champagne, bourbon and ginger beer. It's hot. The deck awaits as I check email quickly...

The swimming, the camp fire, the marshmellows and nutella...

Do we have to go?

Soon. Soon.

For now, I need more.

Camden is its own heaven.

My husband awaits.

More later.

The First of Many

2007-07-20T22:33:00.000-05:00

We leave early tomorrow morning to celebrate our 1-year wedding anniversary and vacation to Maine.

There has been lots to say in the past few days: what kind of writer I feel that I am, when we'll think to start a family, what the hell I'm doing in my job, and what location we'll end up when we purchase a house.

But for now, there's red wine, more packing and tidying before we depart, and a whole lot of speculation on the vacation we are about to have.

And there's anticipating what year two of marriage will bring.

I'm convinced that I can do a whole lot better at being a wife, friend, and person.

This is sort of like our New Year's Day when we can look to the future, toast on the past and of what will come of fresh days without any mistakes.

For now, have a great week. I'm inspired to post pics of our Maine trip and maybe some of Italy as a reminder of where we were a year ago.

2007-07-17T12:24:00.000-05:00

I've been a bit MIA, sorry. But I've been keeping up on my reading of all your blogs.

We're getting ready for Maine. Its promise is to be full of nature, swimming, sun, kayaking, eating seafood, shopping, and bumming around.

Some of my earliest memories of dating bub are when we were camping.

Our first trip was to a site out in western MA, near school, and was completely spontaneous. Well, not that spontaneous. I think bub warmed me up to the idea of camping during one of our many phone calls during the week. Then on a trip to visit me, a tent was stowed in the back of the Wagoneer, just in case.

There was lots of studying to do and as an English major that translates into lots of reading, note-taking, highlighting, more reading, and ultimately writing.

So I dragged my hefty book of Shakespeare's works with me to the wildnerness. After the tent was set up, I sprawled on my belly and used what was left of the daylight to pour over words introduced to me in high school and regurgitated again with different, more obtuse explanations.

I'm pretty sure there was a lot of sighing and some complaining. Shakespeare is fine, but not really a camping activity.

We enjoyed a warm fire, toasted marshmellows, and perhaps some beer stew. The beer stew is a trademark camping meal bub makes so well...

But before Maine is a trip to get this done tonight. Ugh. The things we do.

2007-07-11T17:51:00.000-05:00

To the new, shiny, dark, green BMW car neighbor. Welcome! I started to wonder if anyone drove you, but judging from my departure this morning, since you were gone, I figured your owner took you on a walk to work. Although, after thoroughly checking out your front and back (seats!) I see that you're either really new, or hardly used, or you have an insane owner who cleans you thoroughly daily. I opt for choice A. Welcome to our dirty part of the parking area where we park close to trash cans college students cannot fill properly thereby leaving trash and such all around your bumper!

Is your driver a male or female? I see that the seat is close to the wheel so I go for choice B. However, if I'm wrong and it's a male, well, I wonder if he's any cute? (Just kidding! I have a husband--why would I care?)

Please make sure you are parked close to the wall of the garage on your left. Do not show off that you can back into your spot. We all can when no one is parked directly behind us! If you do not park close to the wall I must compensate by parking closer to my other car neighbor's driver, a moron, who is afraid of the pole that is not ever close to her precious car, but yet writes emails to my husband telling him we park too close to her. Get a life, moron.

Finally, shiny, dark, green beamer. If you ever need a test ride--a trip out--anything at all--whatever you do, don't open your doors too close to mine and injure pretty, shiny, light blue, lovely Acura or I will kill you.

Love, me

Don't Rush My Summer.

2007-07-06T10:10:00.001-05:00

Don't rush my summer.

Don't take away sunblock scents while the windows are down.

Where you find sundresses and cargo capris,

Flipflops, sandy toes, chipping polish.

Outdoor cafes without a care.

Warm sun, no coat, no regrets.

Don't rush my summer.

Leaving work to see the sky's still waiting for you in blue,

And it can feel like a Friday on a Tuesday night.

Don't rush my summer with your new ads; I'm not excited.

Show me more bathing suit bikini tops, giggling smiles,

Swimming until you can't touch any more.

Barefoot dreams.

Fluff

2007-06-29T14:53:00.000-05:00

Today has been a fluffy work day. I had a good start, working from home, then about 11am, our brand spanking new, shiny, stainless refrigerator arrived. I know, it's just a fridge, but now we have actual shelves in the freezer (our wedding cake top is still taking up 80% of the thing, but at least we have some other space for all the actual frozen items one would normally have in their freezer). We now have normal shelves and not shaky wiry ones with two cracked crispers that were scary with one not really good at opening and closing.

Exciting, right? Well, I pulled something in my neck. Don't ask. I seem to be ever prone to neck pain now. I guess that's what you get when you're old. I was brushing my hair after this morning's shower when it happened and so now I feel like I have a headache starting at the base of my neck and dead center. It's really dumb, I know.

And in an hour the weekend officially starts. Except it's not just any weekend--it's my longest weekend in history. Our office is closed Monday through Wednesday. Can you say wow? WOW!

Happy Weekend!

HBO's Influence

2007-06-25T11:55:00.000-05:00

Hi,

We have semi-crappy cable. Do not ask why, do not pass go and collect $200. We just don't. We don't have Bravo and we don't see the Red Sox unless they're on Fox. It's just the way it is at our place. Again, don't ask why.

We do have HBO, however. We have some priorities in place, you see. And with HBO comes alot of semi-good/great stuff--and some not so great. And then of course there's the issue of gee, this movie was just on! And I stayed up really late watching it when I could be watching it now at a much better (and earlier) time. These are the issues one faces when one does not have a DVR/TiVo, etc. I can't even vouch that TiVo is spelled or listed here correctly, that's how out of tune I am with this new technology that's really not so new anymore. Moving on...

I would never know how to answer the question: What is your favorite movie, Ripe? What have you seen that's good? Aside from my last post involving a flick (which sadly is not yet and may never be--who knows--on HBO), here is my list because thanks to HBO, I can watch these and never tire of them. Go ahead, have your fun. I will admit that if you have this playing on your TV, I will watch with you, no matter what:

In Her Shoes.
I can quote parts of this flick, yes. I love it when Maggy calls Rose a "Big, fat, pig"--I just love it. The shoes are, of course, fabulous.

The Family Stone.
Love it. Ben is cute. Meredith makes you so uncomfortable during the dinner scene. It's just so painful to watch. Just a good film. Enjoy it immensely.

Now...I can't believe I'm going to list this one, but here it goes:

Nanny McPhee (did I just write that?)
Wow. I think this is a nicely created flick. Very vibrant and different. Kids are adorable; Simon is a favorite. I like the name Evangeline, too. I love when Nanny McPhee says "You are the end of the story." Sigh.

What are some of your favorite flicks and which are the ones you can watch again and again and again!?

The Swell Season

2007-06-23T10:19:00.000-05:00

I don't usually plug people or things aside from the weather here. It's just not me. But we saw this movie. We saw the preview for it last week and I thought, I want to see this. So last night we did.

I had an idea of what to expect: music, love, etc. But it was grand. I can't describe it. But the best part of all is that the music is so lovely. So today I've been downloading it--many of the songs are just so... I don't know because I'm not a critic and again, I don't usually write about this sort of thing. But if you want to know more, go here and there.

If you do decide to see Once, enjoy it. It really does make you feel good.

Finding Love

2007-06-22T08:46:00.000-05:00

Yes, we've made it to Friday. Day two of summer. These next weeks will fly; I already saw my first fall advertisement. For shoes, but of course--everyone has fall shoes on their mind.

Last night Bub had something after work and I hit the gym after dropping him off. I told a co-worker or two that my plans for the evening were really to just hit the gym. And then I cringed because I usually do the opposite of what I say and instead drink wine while watching bad TV. Hey, who said that's not a fun night? But no, I made it to the gym. Then I picked up my husband and I freshened up and we went out for a casual drink and some apps because the summer solstice is a day we thought we wouldn't celebrate again. No, now that we have our wedding anniversary, there's no need, but it still bubbled up as a day to reflect and we did. Although, we had poor seating arrangements at the bar, having been sandwiched between two sets of strangers on either side of us, so it wasn't exactly romantic and there was some shouting in order to be heard.

We celebrated the anniversary of our first date--our first night out--six years ago.

We actually met the Sunday before the solstice at a bar while my friend droned on and on about her great summer job while I had yet to land one. It was the summer before my senior year of college and there were no internships lined up (paid or unpaid) to assist me in landing a job upon graduation.

Those internships came later and this post is not about my career, so moving on, Bub spotted us across the way and invited us over for drinks with he and his friend. Me being the naive girl that I still am thought he liked my friend, that is, until we were all parting ways after a couple of hours of drinking when Bub asked me to go to a Red Sox game some time. Wow. Of course I accepted as I had immediately felt a connection and attraction to him when we were all hanging out. On our way home, we ended up behind their car. And I thought I am going to burst if I don't get to a bathroom fast.

So, we followed their car to Bub's place which was on the way to my place--really! And I proceeded to act like a psycho. Yes, I would have been scared of me had this been the other way around and Bub had followed ME home, but I got out of the car when Bub did, crossed the street, and yelled out: Bub! I really could use your bathroom!

Progress was made; I did make it inside where I had a choice of the upstairs or downstairs one. I started to get sketched out. Who was this guy really, and how do I know that he's not treating this as a "I really like you and this is a way to really get to know you" situation? So I opted for the downstairs bathroom while I learned later that my friend, at this time, was freaked out thinking I was going to be assaulted.

The bathroom time turned into me hearing about Bub's upcoming vacation to Peru with friends. The friends he shared the house with, whose beer bottles were all over, complete with pizza boxes and other random single guy stuff. He tried on this new hat he got for the trip--sort of like a park ranger, army green hat--but cuter. Then I tried it on. And thinking back to that night, I wonder that as I gazed at him all goofy in this hat for his trip camping many miles away where he would probably forget all about this night, how would this end--as a summer thing--or less--or more?

We never did make it to the Red Sox game until much later on in our courtship, but there was dinner and drinks and seeing his friend's band on the solstice just before he left for Peru. And as they say, the rest is history. And now one month from today we'll celebrate making our lives together official. And how Bub asked me from bent knee to be his wife.

Happy Friday.

Thinking of you bloggers everywhere

2007-06-18T18:51:00.000-05:00

We all get ready for our morning. Some like coffee, others rush through the process: shower, cereal, out the door. Some bathe at night so the snooze button is more appealing.

We turn up the radio and turn down the window.

We all feel tired come three o'clock when we have that afternoon meeting that's "very important" just like the weekly morning meeting that proves as wasteful as all the junk e-mails sitting untouched on the screen.

We had our toes painted in peach dacquiri as the woman struggled to say "color". The process was unrushed which is new especially when the treatment is the cheapest around and you're in a hurry to get to your mother-in-law's birthday party so that you can talk about how many people from your town went to Iraq and if we had today off.

I most certainly didn't.

And you may wonder if you dress young. Or maybe you're not old enough. Because I certainly wonder if I can get away with the cute and vivid items I like to purchase when I'm a mother--hell, aren't I supposed to be according to my co-worker?

We sit and laugh with friends and tell the server to bring us another drink--or not, it's late and we're tired but yet we don't see one another more than once or twice a month.

We all have laundry to do and groceries to purchase.

So yes, I do think of you. I wonder, do you think of me, too?

Sizing up my thoughts

2007-06-12T21:48:00.000-05:00

We used to live on Columbia Ave when the traffic light blinked green all through the night, not even stopping while we were at work. But when we drove by tonight we saw the change as the yellow glow came on and off to signal the nearby fire house.

We walked hand in hand as she turned once but did not notice. It was when she turned again that her face froze and she tried to search for recognition for the missing piece that was me.

She judged me as I shared what I learned almost ten years ago and saw that I was different. Of course so was she. The long hair and goopy mascara didn't throw me off, it was the warmth that once consumed her character, the fluid motions in dance class.

Dance. She always had the ballerina poise. But it ate through her as she stated that she pulled a muscle and danced no longer. Pause. Silence. I knew it could be more, but it was hard to place especially after so much time passed. Anorexia? Bulemia? Her frame never as fragile as I remember. And was the man she walked with and introduced us to her boyfriend? It was too personal a question to ask. Too intrusive for the girl who wore no shoes as she drove me to and from our classes.

She said I looked fantastic, but was she secretly thinking that I was fat?

I was an English major too, she said. But I felt the disappointment behind her words. That she worked in financial services. That she was surprised I got married.

To the past I say. To the past.

+++

I was brought to tears by what I heard. I can never keep dry when you speak. The words don't even have to be powerful; it's you who has the lifeline. It's you who is seeking help without even asking for it.

Bub Time

2007-06-06T19:26:00.001-05:00

Everyone should consider taking a random Wednesday off. Or, call in and pretend you're sick.

That's exactly what I did. The best part? That Bub didn't go to work either.

We had ourselves a naughty lunch and said what the hell? It's our day to do what we want. It was like having a birthday and doing as you please but it wasn't our birthday at all.

Did we do anything special? Not really--but we got some much needed time together. Looking back on that reasoning it seems silly. Here's the man I've been with almost six years. We've lived together for almost five and next month, we'll have been married one. I see him every night and morning after/before work, on weekends (when I'm not away for work), yet I felt like it had been a while since we had spent real bub time together.

Didn't we just get back from a NYC trip together? Yes. But the whole trip was focused on work. And it wasn't fun to enjoy Sunday thinking about how Monday it was more work and on and on. Sure, I finally put in for my second vacation day so far this year to enjoy next week, but today--there would be no guilt when calling in to my boss with the oldest line in the book: I'm not feeling so hot, so today will be a sick day for me. And then the hesitant: Call me if you need me. HA! I forgot my phone at home for most of the day, so clearly I couldn't have cared less.

Tomorrow is back to work for us, but we're one day closer to the weekend and one business day more refreshed. The most important part, we've caught up on bub time because the few minutes of saying goodbye in the morning to rushed dinners so we can do errands/chores/exercise/sleep just don't cut it.

So I just got off the phone with my mother and let it slip how we played hooky. She made me feel guilty. And threw in how some of us work...as if I've ever pulled something like this before. I guess I forgot that she is my mother and certain things still sound outrageous to her even when I think I've made a sound decision as an adult. I'd like to think I am one.

Yes, I do think everyone deserves their own mental health day whenever. Bub time is just as important as making a living.

New York

2007-06-01T19:34:00.000-05:00

So I'm here. And I think I could live here. Sure. It's hot and smelly and there are lots of people, yes.

I'm currently waiting for my husband to arrive. The wine is open, the a/c is turned on high. I'm recollecting all the people of my past I come to see once a year. The other events, not so much--they're more straight forward and professional. Actual business is handled. Here, it's a free for all event. Freebies in print, in drink, and of course, the reminiscing. I decided that I can't stand people who only care about themselves so much that they forget to ask about you. And no, just asking about your husband doesn't count. I don't think you're that great and neither should you.

But there was one person I wondered if I would see. Someone who most likely will stumble upon this post. Someone who is connected to the early part of my career. Someone who surely wants nothing to do with me. Someone who is a complete stranger now. But I looked across the corridors and around corners and thought: did she grow her hair long? Did she dye it? Is that her gabbing to someone?

No, I didn't see her. And I won't ever, I suppose.

New York City is a big place. Big enough for two strangers.

Guilt

2007-05-26T12:57:00.000-05:00

It consumes me.

Do we leave now for the Cape or do we keep up the chores here so as to have a sparkling home to return to?

Do we buy groceries now so we have stuff for when we get back from the weekend away? Or, do we go on our way home when we clearly won't want to grocery shop and allow the reality of having to go back to work set in?

Do I eat a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich after having a really good workout at the gym? Or, do I drink lots of fluids and hope to feel full since I want fried (!) clams and oysters tonight? Hello cholesterol! Hello FAT!

Do I sit down for an hour or two and make a dent in work that will consume me come Tuesday since I will have only two days in the office before a work event which just so happens to be over the weekend? Ick.

All these things bubble in my mind and I can't help but think that I deserve some time to chill. Then I think how we had fun last night at a good pub in the cool air with the yummy fries and the refreshing beer. And then how we watched some 24--the first few episodes of the latest season. So, shouldn't I work now?

But the new bathing suit is waiting and the sun is, too. The heat is on and I'm ready for summer.

Screw it; I'm off the ocean.

Happy Saturday!

2007-05-22T20:15:00.000-05:00

I saw you lean over and put the folded piece of paper into her pocket. It was as if you planned to do so all along.

You didn't see me see you. You didn't care that anyone saw, I don't think.

And it's on days when I think I've forgotten about it that I wonder what you wrote to her. What words you pulled from the deepest innards of your being to bury with her. So she would always remember. And so that you would, too.

Morbidly, I wondered if I, too, would do the same, but probably not since I would be paranoid that someone would dig their grave, see my most personal expressions when they weren't meant to ever be seen by the human eye. Meant only for the soul of the person buried. Not you.

I wonder if the letter is long, written in script or in shaky letters. Perhaps the ink is dotted with your tears.

But I am not that close with you. So I will never ask. But one never knows. The alcohol makes it easier to come alive, be daring, be bold. Sometimes too bold.

I told my shameful story to a someone today. How I got behind the wheel. How I didn't do harm. I laughed it off. Not me. I'm too innocent. How could I get caught? My record has to stay clean. Just like I have to stay on track with everything. It's what's expected, engrained in my core. Without the path, I am no where. And I haven't been down that road before. It could lead me to my death.

Missing

2007-05-21T19:42:00.001-05:00

I decided on my drive home from work today that I would compile a list of things I'm missing so as to further assess whether or not I need these things. Forgive me if some seem shallow. Forgive me if this post is rough. I've had too much wine far too soon in the week to have it hit me hard come time when I'm at my desk tomorrow morning.

1. Cute brown flats
2. An MBA
3. A master's in writing
4. A doctorate in anything
5. A drive for the gym
6. A "VP" as part of my title
7. A 6-figure salary
8. A secure self image
9. A non-comptetitive streak
10. A house
11. A child
12. A bus (OK, I'm running out)
13. A brother (I don't have one, it's not that I miss him; he doesn't exist)
14. A motorcycle license (Bub has one)
15. A cat
16. A dog
17. A 2-bedroom home
18. A head of blonde hair
19. A funny demeanor
20. ....

OK, that was fun. Let's do it all over tomorrow.

Friends of past

2007-05-20T17:28:00.000-05:00

What binds us to friends of past and why is it that one feels guilt when the emotion is not truly genuine any more? That talking becomes a chore, that laughing becomes forced? What is it that changes the friends you once used to know and laugh easily with? How can a sacred bond of closeness float away?

People do change and that is one way to explain how friends are no longer close, no longer true, but I wonder if there isn't more of a reason. Are we too "busy"--no time to set aside to have dinner, coffee, wine, see one another's home, meet their S.O.? What is it?

There are so many people who enter our lives and then leave. It's those who visit longer that we call friends.

I like to think that milestones in life bring to fruition those very feelings: who is close? Who can you count on? When I'm down and my husband isn't there, who will I call? Who will pick up? Who will call back? Who remembers? Who has been there?

Lately, especially when it came time to plan my wedding, I had to think hard about who to include, who to exclude--who was "close" enough to be invited. And it was hard. What were my reasons for inviting one coworker over another? Why was my boss invited but not a college friend who spent many a night crying, laughing, remembering with me?

And the past memories were there to remind me. This is what I should do. This is what I am supposed to do.

You're limited, I think, when you reach a certain age about the people you meet and who you will befriend. And it gets harder. No more are the classrooms that throw you into a mix of personalities with people your age, no more are the summer camps and late nights of drinking in college. The "friends of friends"...there are coworkers, random encounters, but even then you should have an established friend base.

Looking back I found it easy, especially in college, to find friendships. And now I feel as though I've outgrown not only some of those friends, but the ones I had in high school. Sure, I have a few important people that I call friends or best friends. Sometimes I wonder if the past is what makes them golden or if it's because they're always there to know me, understand me, and just let me be me.

It's what I need

2007-05-15T16:51:00.000-05:00

All the lights are off because I can never be so sure if the light from outdoors is enough to fuel my workspace at the kitchen table or if the extra warmth and artificial light from the tired chandelier is over-the-top when it's on during the day.

The windows are open and even though that means no more peace and quiet of the top floor of my building where all of us are owners and all the renters are breathing below whether as students or not, I need fresh air. When spring arrives and before it gets too uncomfortable where the sweat appears on a girl who hardly does unless she's been exercising (and there certainly needs to be more of that), the windows stay open. So yes, I heard you the other night, you obnoxious college kids who throw bottles near or on cars to set their sirens off, to wake the world because you think that when you are inebriated that you rule the world moreso than when you're sober and acting plainly immature. You're now immature, loud, and loud.

The door rattles back and forth as if someone is trying to test the knob which doesn't bode well for me since about a year ago there were break-in's on our floor near our home and well, that just isn't cool. But the fresh air, it's what I need.

2007-05-11T22:12:00.000-05:00

I'm searching deep inside of myself right now. To find the place that comes so easily for you fellow blogmates. The kind of words I'm looking for have been missing for some time. And I'm afraid one wrong move and Bub will catch me and ask what I'm writing about and I won't know because that thing I learned about, that stream of consciousness will dissipate and I won't even have time to look up and be sure that I spelled dissipate correctly. So far, so good--not about the spelling but about Bub not questioning me yet.

Fuck. I had a really good song on and now it's changed so I changed it and now I'm back to where I was pre-post.

Ugh.

More later.

Ready for Summer

2007-05-09T12:23:00.000-05:00

I know, we only started having spring weather and I'm already rushing through to the next season.

But today I learned that I was wrong about our vacation policy. I do not have to wait until my 3rd anniversary at the company to receive an additional week of time off. No, I will start earning this extra time off at the start of my third year here, which is in June. I've rejoined the land of the living and will have more than 2 weeks of vacation this year, and a little over 3 next year. Thank goodness. It was hard saving up all my time off last year for our wedding, and I was lucky that I gained a few extra days when I worked weekends at various book fairs. Now there will be no more scrounging around for time so that I'm not the only person working during the holidays or because I couldn't take a long weekend around the 4th of July. Now I can use a vacation day here and there and not feel like I'm going to be screwed come the fall, that I have months to go before we refresh our time off.

We're well on our way to preparing for our summer vacation. It'll have been one year ago come July that we enjoyed Italy and all its glory. I feel like I've traveled so much since I started this job. And mostly it has been international time away. Although exciting, the trips can be draining--time differences and long layovers, the pressure to see this and that or we'll regret it, figuring out what to say in a foreign language, and of course, the expensiveness that comes along with it all.

This summer we celebrate our first wedding anniversary in Maine, a state which I've been to for a mere few hours for college, for marching band. I saw some snow, a football field, and rowdy bus full of college kids wondering why we're doing this when we could be sleeping in on a Saturday morning after heavy drinking. The thing is, we'll stay at a charming inn in Camden and from there do all sorts of day stuff--exploring--hanging out--relaxing. We'll toast a year down and so many to go. And that makes me happy. We'll also camp. We haven't been since we got engaged, although Bub has with his friends. We've had some good times backpacking in Montana, cooking by the fire, swimming, hiking, broiling in our tent at the Florida Keys, trying to use our cell phones to call friends and family to tell them that we're engaged... I'm looking forward to reminiscing and, of course, spending some time away.

For now, I have several trips to New York for work, a friend's wedding, and our first trek to the Cape this season to look forward to.

I'm ready for summer.

It's Happening

2007-05-04T12:07:00.000-05:00

I'm getting old. And I know I've talked and wallowed in this all before. And I know by age number that in the grand scheme of things, I'm not exactly old. But I've received my first reality check that I have taken all things for granted, including good health.

My cholesterol is borderline high. It's 212 and it should be less than 200. I am told it's "moderate" by the woman who took the test at our benefits fair here at work yesterday. I was sort of cocky walking over there.

They're going to tell me I'm fine whereas J who just had her test done is going on and on about how she has high cholesterol and blood pressure.

But no, the woman writes down my score and waves me over like a teacher looking for the child who needs "help". A pity party.

"Do you exercise?" She asks.

What? Yes!

"Well a young..." Pause. Silence. Then, more quickly.

"A young WOMAN like yourself has time to make changes in the way you eat and exercise to get your cholesterol down."

At least my blood pressure was normal.

A, who I work with (who needs to fine-tune her eating if you get me) said that those tests were wildly "off". Denial, I think. But maybe they are and my cholesterol is fine. But what if they're not "off"?

On the same day as the cholesterol test I get a comment from my favorite colleague.

"You look thin today." A smile appears on her face.

While smiling I tell her to shut up.

+++

In the good news department I bought a new dress I fell in love with a month or so ago. I wanted to buy it but it was too pricey. Well, there was the dress again when I was at the store last night. It taunted me with its size 4 tag and hefty price.

I had heard the saleswoman pressuring girls and their mothers shopping for prom dresses that there was a sale, she had coupons. So I grabbed the dress that sat behind an ugly one as if someone had tried to hide it. I looked around for a size 6--but I noticed there were no more dresses like this anywhere in the store.

This was the last one. I almost started talking aloud, reasoning out why I should try on a dress that probably wouldn't fit and look good and work. And why I should try it on when it's twice what I want to pay?

So to make myself feel better, I brought a few other dresses in with me to try on so that the pressure didn't lie in just this one silly thing. But I tried what I had my heart set on first. And I loved it. And it made me look THIN. And that's great when the size is FOUR.

This dress I will get upset over if after having children I cannot fit back into it. It's black, but fun, black and practical, black and do you know how long it's been since I've bought something both practical AND cute? It's usually just the latter.

So I got 50 bucks off the price--but it was still above my price range for a dress.

But there was no way I was letting this go...again. This was meant to happen.

Tomorrow I'll debut it.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that

2007-05-01T09:26:00.000-05:00

Apparently there are nasty people in the world who harrass women who blog. Good Morning America shared the story and this poor woman ended her blog and actually wrote that this harrassment changed her life forever, that she does not want to leave her backyard and does not feel safe at all. Poor lady. I can't get more than maybe a comment a week on this thing, let alone hate comments.

I had the most terrible dream last night. And it's one where even if you wake up, you go right back to it so it haunts you. I can't even write about it. It's too disturbing.

I went to the gym straight after work last night which I rarely do due to the fact that there are so many people there hogging all the machines and the lack of parking, but to my surprise it wasn't packed or too, too busy probably because everyone was enjoying the outdoors since it was so warm. I really pushed it last night and because of the bad dream, I woke up feeling less than rested and dragged my butt into work 1/2 hour later than usual...oops.

More later.

2007-04-30T08:40:00.000-05:00

I bought a new headband among other things while in London. This is my second attempt at wearing it, but it's hurting my head too damn much. WTF?

My mother did one of her outburts during Dad's birthday dinner last night. Bub definitely saw it. She was short of starting to curse. Of course, it was over nothing special. She makes me so angry when she consumes too much alcohol. She doesn't even need it to act this way.

My dad couldn't even finish his meal. He had to bring the rest home. I know his stomach was turning just thinking about how my mother might carry on. Would she make an even bigger scene?

It's just not fair. I felt like the parent a little last night. Telling her to knock it off under my breath. Telling her that we're all waiting to eat because she made a big stink about her meal.

If she only had a mirror, she could see what she's like. And I hope one day if I act like that--and I'm sure I will or have or am trying to suppress the memory--that Bub pulls out my reflection so that I can see that I'm no longer in control.

I had to turn away from her so many times. I always get stuck sitting next to her. And it's not that I don't love her, it's because she desperately wants the attention and nurturing.

I can't give it to her like that. I refuse to. So the touching my arm, trying to talk at me, they just don't work Mom.

You need to stop.

I have been tagged by Sass

2007-04-26T09:08:00.001-05:00

And so here we go!

A - Available or Taken? I'm a Mrs. and about to celebrate my 1-year wedding anniversary. Sigh. Has it been almost a year since our magical day?

B - Best Friend? Bub. He's seen all sides of me. Some scary, but hopefully the fun outweighs the ugly : ) Also some gal pals--none who read this blog (let alone know it exists!).

C - Cake or Pie? What a toughie! If the cake and pie option have chocolate in it, I could go either way. Show me chocolate cake with yummy frosting versus blueberry pie and I'm all for the cake. Show me vanilla cake with yummy frosting and mud pie and I think I'd go mud...

D - Drink of Choice? Ummm...Riesling. Syrah. Coffee milkshake, although they make my tummy go nutty. Diet Coke after for a hangover. Seltzer with juice (spritzer). Iced coffee--French vanilla w/ skim from Dunkin's or an iced skim latte at Starbuckers.

E - Essential Item(s)? Chapstick and/or lip gloss, my watch

F - Favorite Color? Blue like my bridesmaids' dresses, yellow, watermelon greens, getting into reds--love pinks.

G - Gummi Bears or Worms? Bears; they're cuter!

H - Hometown? I was born in Boston and that's all I'm sayin'!

I - Indulgence? Chocolate, French fries w/ ketchup...heavenly! Chicken fingers with honey mustard, cheesecake.

J - January or February? February; it's closer to spring...

K - Kids? Yes; but I'm afraid for the pushing and not knowing when the baby will come.

L - Life is incomplete without… happiness

M - Marriage Date 07/22/2006 : )

N - Number of Siblings One, older sister

O - Oranges or Apples? Granny apple especially if I can put PB on it--creamy low-fat JIF. Or oranges -- I love when they're cut up in quarters like they did for a snack during soccer games.

P - Phobias/Fears Sometimes the dark! Death is my number one fear though--others dying moreso than me.

Q - Favorite Quote
May your voyage through life be as happy and as free
As the dancing waves on the deep blue sea

R - Reasons to Smile? I can wake up each day next to my husband, great family and friends who I sometimes take for granted.

S - Season? Summer--spring too if it's warm and not borderline freezing! I do love the fall colors as well.

T - Tag Three: Kris, Erin, and Stacy!!!

U - Unknown Fact About Me I cry at the finales of reality shows: American Idol (even if I don't really like the singer--no offense Fantasia), or America's Next Top Model. I really become so happy for them that they won!

V - Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals? Oppressor

W - Worst habits? Bad temper!

X - X-rays or Ultrasounds? X-Ray; my mom is an X-Ray Technologist!

Y - Your Favorite Foods Pasta, pizza (carb-lover!) brownies...it goes on and on!

Z - Zodiac Aries

Good mood

2007-04-22T17:02:00.000-05:00

Perhaps it's the spring weather that has finally shown its face, but I'm not feeling too shabby these days. Granted, things aren't perfect, starting with the fact that my boss returns from vacation tomorrow which may mean that things could get a bit hectic as I have a lot on my plate to do from my recent work trip to just regular work in general.

But it was prior to my leaving for the work fair that had me thinking about a billboard I saw while driving. I can remember it was for VW and probably for their bug cars, the updated bug and how they're so cheerful which is why the banner on the ad made so much sense: Misery has enough company. Be happy. I'm not sure that's exactly how it was phrased, but you get the gist. And not that I enjoy being miserable, it's just that I can get irritated all too quickly. A trip on the train reminded me of this on departure day for London.

I sat on the train inspecting my nails. I scored an oh-so-cheap manicure that morning which was fantastic because they went quickly, did a good job, and were, as previously stated, cheap. Sure it wasn't totally therapeutic, but I needed a quick job as I had to leave and so there it was.

Bub had the car, so I was minutes from our place to then call a cab and be on my way to the airport. A Chinese couple who I wasn't sure was from the area sat across from me. And then confirming my observation, the Chinese woman asked the train driver (or whatever their proper title is) for directions: which stop do they get off at. I couldn't really hear and the woman sat down next to me as I think she was worried about missing her stop. She kept a close eye on her husband in case they had to make any quick moves.

And then, bam. This woman out of no where starts huffing and puffing her way to the door, train pass in her mouth, one plastic bag hanging around her wrist. You'd think she had walked 40 miles to her deathbed; she looked terrible and the nastiness that was to come would solidify the entire grouchy character she wore so well on her sleeve.

These trains are bad enough as it is. UNCROSS YOUR LEGS. I look up and yes, she's looking at me. Is this now a crime?

Well, remember how I said that I easily become irritable? I wasn't about to let this go without so much as a reply. She's passed right on and is close to the door, even closer to the Chinese woman on my right. And so here it comes from my mouth without so much as a thought that maybe I shouldn't have said this, but she WAS rude: That was quite rude. Since when is it wrong to cross your legs on a train?

That was the straw that broke the camel's back, but it wasn't the old grouch who replied, it was a man hollering far on my left: If you weren't a woman, I would do something about this! You're a NASTY, OLD LADY!

And there it was.

The woman got off the train and acted as if she didn't hear us or couldn't care less.

And I thought did I do the right thing? Was that classy? Should I have stood up for myself like that or was this woman just clueless about life, people, walking on trains?

And then I hear the soft murmur on my right. The Chinese woman, she was still on the train, her husband in tow, where she left him. And her reply was so simple, so intelligent, so easy.

Forgive.

So lady, I guess I forgive you, but if you're going to walk around and be miserable then of course there are going to be billboards that tell you otherwise. And perhaps you should look into purchasing a VW bug to cure you of your misery.

Weather is therapy

2007-04-16T13:45:00.000-05:00

At least if you're in London that is.

I arrived yesterday and had a mental breakdown. It has already happened at two of these events: they misplaced my luggage.

We don't know where it is. Don't worry. It should be at your hotel tomorrow.

Ooooo. Great. I'm really happy to hear this. I left the airport feeling defeated after sticking around for 2+ hours yesterday after we arrived. Just great. I looked like a tourist walking Victoria Street to the Thames as women strolled past in lovely sun dresses, sandals, tank tops while the guys donned shorts and tees. Fine. I'm in all my glory, sweaty in my sweatshirt, heavy socks, sneakers, jeans, etc. I haven't brushed my teeth since before I left for the flight which laid over in JFK and on and on and on. I felt like a little girl who had no control over what she wore or selected while shopping because she didn't know best; Mom did. And so while I envied all the cute skirts and fun outfits I saw on the people walking along the water, I thought, am I going to be wearing this for the next 24 hours or more?

No, thank God. I got my suitcase late last night with all the lovelies I packed knowing that it was going to be heavenly here. All the fun clothes I purchased while shopping with Mom on Friday when I turned the big 2-7 were folded just so in my suitcase. Yup, they were there. I gained back my peace of mind and felt great this morning as I finished getting ready to attack my clients with enthusiasm, confidence and excitement.

That's right, it's my show and for once it's not about my boss and what's new with her. It's about what I know, what I think, and the work that I do. And for once, it feels frigging good to be where I am.

More later.

Looking Forward and Being Pursued

2007-04-09T18:42:00.000-05:00

So this is my last week of being twenty-six and it hasn't quite sunk in yet. I'll have plenty of time to think about being twenty-seven when I'm on the plane Saturday. I turn the big 2-7 on Friday the 13th and we'll be celebrating in the North End. My family will be there and Bub, of course. Another year gone. It's funny how nostalgic I am; I just wonder how I'll feel looking back on everything when I'm in my forties, eighties...

So. London. I leave on Saturday afternoon and I'm not looking forward to a long layover in NY. I suppose I could do work to keep busy, or call people I haven't talked to in a while, but something about waiting around in airports makes me feel like the flight is neverending since I'll have been waiting to board forever. Hopefully I'll get some sleep on the overnight flight. I have a 7am arrival and then the inevitable drop off of luggage while I wait for my room to be ready Sunday morning. Bub and I were not too happy dragging ourselves from museum to museum and sightseeing when we were exhausted. Maybe they'll have a room set for me. I hope to get out (and shop!) while sightseeing on Sunday afternoon with an old work colleague. Then it's the book fair and before I know it, back home.

I'm celebrating my birthday, bar-style and with friends the next Friday, so it's like a week-long celebration even though I work in between even if it is in a foreign country.

And finally, I'm being pursued by one company for a newly open position. The last job didn't work out and I'm OK with it, but I don't mind being hunted down to discuss new opportunities. Of course, it's too easy to meet with them in London (and I confirmed that they will be there), so it's an after work date with them on Wednesday. Lately I've found interviewing has been more a waste of my time more than anything. Sure, it's networking, but selling yourself is draining.

Roundup

2007-04-06T08:43:00.000-05:00

Soundtrack for Today: Get them Bodied - Beyonce
Tonight: Bowling
Tomorrow: Spa time
Tomorrow evening: Bake dessert for Easter with the family
Hope to Squeeze In: Nail time
Looking Forward To: Much-needed massage and brow wax
Need: Clothes to wear to London work event
Want: New spring jacket
Glad: It's Friday
Have to Do Now: Work

Happy Weekend.

The First Crush Story

2007-04-04T10:35:00.000-05:00

For some reason, on my way to work today, as I drove the same stretch of rode I always do when I go the "usual" way to work, I had a green light and soared on through while thinking of my first crush.

I was in kindergarden. I learned how to spell yellow from using these little train posters on the wall whereby each train car was a color. I figured out that I liked writing with my left hand. And I remember the day I wanted to write with it even if more people in my class were starting to write with their right hands.

So, back to my crush.

I didn't know his name. No, this piece of information escapes me, but I remember he was one of the fifth graders designated by teachers and peers to volunteer for a little while with the kindergardeners and to play, share, and make sure we were, you know, kids.

I had the privilege of becoming a 5th grade helper, years later, and no, there were no cute boys in sight.

So this 5th grader we shall call X, he made my heart melt. He had dark hair, was tall--and gee, since I was in kindergarden, I know nothing else about him at all. I do know that he had a good heart because I saw him stick up for this girl when her hair got pulled by some snotty brat.

If you volunteer as a helper for the second shift of kindergarden, you take each line of kids out to their bus as the buses arrive. I was on Bus 5, which happened to be a cool bus, but one where I did not feel a lot of love. I was pushed and ignored upon my smiling hello's to others my age, but that is fine, I'm over it (moreso than when I was in kindergarden, of course). So upon taking out our line to the bus (oh, I loved getting up to the front of the line to follow X), I saw the incriminating action: snotty brat takes the high side-ponytail of some chick I wasn't friends with or didn't talk to--or maybe I did--we're going back 20ish years here--and at the yelping and "Owwwww"-ing of this girl, X turned around. He came over and told snotty brat to stop pulling unknown girl's hair and to apologize. Then he walked away.

And between his cuteness and the goodness of his heart, I was hooked. I couldn't wait for the end of the day when he took our line to the bus. And then I entered 1st grade and Matt was my next target.

2007-04-03T11:50:00.000-05:00

The prego jokes have died down and my mood has returned to not-pissed.

I'm still eyeing all the foods I eat, making myself feel guilty if I go back for seconds at dinner (the burritos and guacamole couldn't end at just one tortilla of rice and beans), and I'm carefully scheduling gym time so as to make it the four times I vowed I'd go this week.

We found a house and that has consumed all my time from approximately 3 o'clock on Sunday until the email and phone call I received from Bub at about 10ish o'clock this morning.

I found a house I could see us raising our babies in, having family visit us in, and me cleaning (yuck). But before we could think twice about it, numerous offers were made. We were left in the dust. Bub tried to prepare me.

They'll be a hiatus from the open houses, with Easter on Sunday and me being in another country the week after. But I feel more prepared. We've got some details ironed out. I'll be ready for the next whirlwind.

Bring it on.

Prego

2007-03-28T08:51:00.000-05:00

Hi, I'm not.

But here's how the past two days have turned out:

Yesterday

Co-worker: What are you doing?
Me: Working
Co-worker: Is it a secret?
Me: Sure
Co-worker: Are you pregnant?
Me: Yes
Co-worker: Really? Swear to God?
Me: Yes
Me: I'm going to hell.
Me: Even he knows. (pointing to another nosy co-worker)
Co-worker: Congratulations!
Me: I'm not pregnant.
Co-worker: But you swore to God.
Me: I know.
Me: Go away!

Today

(A different co-worker): Are you pregnant?
Me: Have you been talking to (fill in name of above co-worker)?
Co-worker: No.
Me: I'm not.
Co-worker: Well, I thought because of your shirt...
Me; Oh, yeah, I guess it's flowy.
Co-worker: And you seem to have that bump.
Me; What??!
Co-worker: I mean, you could be 3 months along.
Me: WHAT????!
Me: How long have you thought I was pregnant?
Co-worker: About a month.
Me: Okay...
Co-worker: I've ruined your day--I'm sorry. Laughs.
Me: No, it's okay. I know my belly needs work.
Co-worker: Maybe it's muscle.
Me: Right.

***

Thanks! I feel great about my gut. Glad I work here, too.

Update

I've shared the horror story of today (see above) with others at the office. Mainly to share my shocked feelings, but to see if others think the same about me. I've been told I'm skinny and have a non-existant (someone even said concave) tummy. I'm not sure about that; I could put some butter on this one roll.

I'm also getting a lot of "How are you feeling? Don't lift anything. Have you picked out names?" jokes. I'm suprisingly not too upset but I wonder if you all think I'm a real fatty now.

I would like to think I'm not, but hey, someone I work with thinks I have some exercising to do...

I'm bored

2007-03-23T08:35:00.000-05:00

But not like I was at my last job when I surfed the Web for the majority of the day because well, there was absolutely nothing to do--nothing to make myself busy with and my boss was an advocate of keeping me thinking I was busy by doing "research" at the nearby bookstore which turned into looking at books to try and get into law school (hahahahaha!) and trying not to turn my head and look the other way across the street at the people rushing in and out of H&M for cute cheap bobbles.

No, I'm sick of the rut. But it's not the rut that you all describe--or maybe it is. The snoozing of the alarm a bazillion times a morning, just knowing that the extra 30 seconds (or what feels like 30 seconds) of sleep isn't going to help you feel any more rested. It's not the I know I can make it in before 9 or at 9 this morning but when you're drying your hair trying to look good for a Friday (yes, it's FRIDAY! Wahooo!), you think, I can be a few minutes late because I'm not going to have frizzy hair for going out later on tonight!

It's the work.

There's plenty of it.

But I feel like I've done and learned all I can.

And now it's the repetition.

The contracts.

The addenda.

The blah.

The "Hey! We're the greatest company on the Earth so just give us your content and we'll make you rich!" Well, I don't exactly say it like that--as I'm sure you could guess--but I'm sort of trying to disguise what it is I do for fear of my boss finding this : ) Even though there is a photo here and there of me on here : )

So anyway, I just feel burned out. I know I need the ever-important "vacation" but there's nothing here that makes me want to strive to do better--because--as you have heard me say before (or read what I've communicated before) there is no "up" in this job. As a newly created position in a marketing department where--gasp--I do no marketing (which is fine by me because I'm doing what I'd want to do if I had to pick it out of the entire company)--there is no umph, no desire. And with that, I wake up each morning thinking that at 10am I will have a shiny new email from Prospective Employer saying "Hey! We want you!" (because they are one hour behind us hence the email coming at 10) or I will see on my phone that I have a call from "Call"--this is how Prospective Employer's "name" shows up (as "Call"). Or perhaps while I was dragging boxes of books to production there will be a lovely voicemail from Prospective Employer saying "Please, Ripe, give us a call at your convenience."

Then, of course, I would have to wonder if they wanted me to call them back so that they could tell me the position has been filled.

And there's the whole am I putting all my eggs in one basket? UGH! The options for what I want to do here in good old Boston are limited--unless I move--which I am not in the forseeable future, unless of course it's to a house in a cute town in MA : )

It's been 2 weeks since the second interview and almost 3 since the first...One follow up email has been sent as of last Wednesday. Another was sent on Monday.

For now, I'll just have to keep my busy bored self occupied and allow the iced caramel latte to drown out the impatience I'm feeling.

Happy Weekend.

A Few Important Announcements

2007-03-22T13:40:00.000-05:00

GD Prospective Employer has still not called and no longer feels the need to reply to my "I know patience is a virtue, but I'm curious--have you filled the position yet?" when I really just want to write "I know patience is a virtue, but how the fuck long does it take to make an offer when you said it was me and this other anonymous person interviwing for this job?"

While in the shower I thought--what if someone from my office applied for the job and they are so totally unsure of who to make the offer to? Then I thought that would be ridiculous and why would they care? Feel free to share both positive and negative scenarios here, people. I like the entertainment.

***

I go into a bookstore yesterday (instead of browsing on Amazon as Bub suggested I should) to find a book.

I was an English major, made to read the bad: Beowoulf (BLECH!) and the good (Uncle Tom's Cabin) and lots of others--those just stick out in my mind. I kept things straight. I did alright, people. I graduated and I'm better for it.

But put me in a bookstore--I go nuts. I don't know how to pick a book because I don't know what I like. At all. Give me a girly book and I'm like this is SO dumb, but I'll read Prep and love it. Give me a contemporary fiction something and I force myself through it. My sister says it's good--just stick with it. I want to believe her because she said the same thing about Memoirs from a Geisha and I enjoyed that one. But Middlesex? Didn't happen for me. I have a couple others like that too--books borrowed from friends that sit, collect dust, never allow their story to be told. Anyway, I am embarrassed I found something worth buying purely because it reminds me of a Lifetime movie on paper. But anyway, I'm already 100 pages into it so maybe this says something about my intellect being parallel to bad women's television dramas.

***

We just had a farewell lunch for a man who has been at our compay the second longest. Second longest at our office, that is. We took him to a restaurant and he drank some beers, made 2 speeches, said goodbye and thanks to me twice and so I asked him what's next. And in his pissed off demeanor, he replied that he's taking the rest of the year off (as if the "rest of the year" is a few weeks) and then he's going to reassess. He didn't return to the office after the lunch. And I am so jealous of him right now.

***

My boss actually thought I thought that fiscal year means the same thing as calendar year. But you see all I did was repeat a part of an email I got with a question that had nothing to do with fiscal years. You see she just thinks she's the shit except she might be if it wasn't for how she dresses. Oops. Anything zipped up over some sort of lingerie, I'm pretty sure is a no-no. Especially when you can see 3/4 of the lingerie (gross) and especially when it's not a sweatshirt or sweater being zipped up, but a shirt--a shirt that should button up. Return the shirt. Just do it.

***

I have big plans to do a couple of errands tonight sandwiched between my trip to the gym. But you see I've been meaning to get to the gym both Tuesday and Wednesday and for reasons I cannot control (American Idol and said book described above), I haven't been able to lure myself to put on my semi-new sneakers and drabby workout clothes that make me feel oh, so attractive. Tonight, though, that changes.

***

I've booked myself a Swedish massage as a pre-birthday gift to me. Since I feel poor going to a spa and paying for numerous services (waxing, nails, etc.), I have opted for a half hour massage. I'm still looking forward to it even though it's not a full hour. All I need to do is justify the facial that I'm also due for (it's been 9 months, people, it's time)--I think May or June is a great option for that, right as the warm weather starts to kick in.

***

This weekend, though, I don't yet have much planned--dinner with a friend on Friday and the usual items to get done on Saturday. I'm glad to hear it's going to be warm, but what about the rain?

***

This has turned into a long list of announcements. I do apologize for misleading you since these aren't really important ones--at least the Prospective Employer can agree--I'm not that important. But I think they're somewhat significant as they all relate to moi.

Weekend Top 10

2007-03-18T19:03:00.000-05:00

1. Getting a really, really good manicure without being rushed, forced to pick a different "better" color, no crowd, and for cheap!

2. Finishing a slew of errands before the storm hit: groceries, bills, post office, and gym.

3. Baking fluffy and healthy blueberry muffins on Saturday morning for Bub so that he'd have something yummy to eat while he told me about his hiking trip.

4. Having an early evening on Saturday, discovering a new yummy beer, hanging at a noisy bar and feeling like we were the only ones there.

5. Getting up early today, seeing the sun shine into the quiet church, putting on our layers and getting ready for the race.

6. Running the 5k. Seeing Bub surprised that I caught up to him and then sprinting past lots of huffing and puffing and getting lost in the sea of green.

7. Beers at the bar after the race, talking with Bub's friends. Telling Italy stories, letting the buzz settle in.

8. Spicy onion rings and not feeling guilty about eating them after the run!

9. Napping in our layers after making it home from our early and jam-packed day.

10. Selecting wedding photos to purchase for framing; we'll finally have photos to display on the mantel when we move into a house.

2007-03-14T19:56:00.000-05:00

This week is dragging but only because of work. And it's not the lack there of because there's certainly plenty of crap to do. It's just the rut. I couldn't be 100% happy today that it was nice out because this weekend, so I hear, will be like winter with snow and cold and blah.

I'm still waiting to hear from Prospective Employer. I couldn't resist sending a follow up email to the HR rep who arranged the interviews but who only phone interviewed me and will most likely never meet me in person because he works out of another distant office... So I did a little brief hey--thanks--just checking in. And he gave me a prompt thank you for checking in reply along with how he is waiting for feedback which is to come "shortly". MMMMmmmk. What does that mean? Feedback as in he needs the people I interviewed with to give feedback on us as in me and the one other final candidate or he needs to wait and hear that the other person accepted their offer? UGH.

Bub is off tomorrow evening to Mt. Washington to go on a hike with friends and a hired guide. He will climb in snow and ice and I will think warm thoughts while snuggling under a blanket. He won't return until late on Friday. Sigh. But then that means I can start in on season 5 of 24 since he has proven disinterested in Jack Bauer. I know, what a sin.

I'm looking forward to a fun St. Patty's weekend complete with a 5k and some beers, of course!

Until then, this week creeps. The suspense builds.