The Weekend has me thinking

On Friday's drive home from the second doctor's appointment that week I ended up talking to my mother and getting frustrated so easily again and it made me sad. When I hung up I wondered how things had become so difficult and why it is so hard to get through the little things I wanted to say. Sometimes I wonder if I still act like a teenager with her.

Instead of copping out on seeing old, great, best friends for dinner in the city, I agreed to venture out into the arctic chill to meet them. For the first part of dinner I felt distant; I couldn't stop feeling stressed about work. The mistake. Was my boss going to be angry with me on Monday after skipping out of work early again, leaving her with the outstanding issues, the inconsistencies of our quarterly process?

I started wondering if it was my anxiousness and anxiety about work and about my mother which made me believe that I was beginning to feel like the third wheel with friends. I hung out with them so many times over the years, they have seen me grow up from emaciated to out of control, from a child into a woman.

I got a stomach ache that night and learned to keep it under wraps after so many miserable outings of feeling sick and being worried about drawing attention from others. I ended up telling of my evening to bub, sleepy on the couch, late that night.

The next morning was easier. The gym was temporarily therapeutic, the sweat and work I put my body through to shed the stress and anxiety of work. Had my last email to my boss at 12:33am that morning been curt, rude? I read and reread.

We went to church and I listed to how we each have a mission to fulfill. An easy homily. An easy rule. Hard to figure out, apparently. I watched the woman on the podium rub her eyes; she can't see. She clutches onto the chairs as she feels for her safety.

We go out last night for a date and do not cop out and watch movies on t.v. until much later, after drinks at a remote bar. Its dark shadows, brick walls, dim lanterns make me feel like we're tourists at a trendy bar in a faraway place. Paris. Spain. I've never been there.

The air is warmer.

We see houses today. We are filled with hope. We don't feel the future lingering. We know we won't share the space with our children. It's not right.

It's not perfect.

We see my parents and I wonder if I'm too harsh with my demands for an upstairs/downstairs house, not a ranch, one with a porch, garage, and yard. That their new room could be a master bedroom. I laugh, my mother makes a noise and I wonder if my joke wasn't a joke to her.

My dad is lively and my mom sends us with scones, a recipe for them, and love. My dad and I hug goodbye and he comes back for another one and then another one.

I wonder if they're okay.

I wonder if I am.

And there's the laundry to do.

Now.

Right now

I'm wearing my pj's and doing laundry. I'm about to finish writing some notes to people and wrap up all the snail mail correspondence for a while.

I'm about to start and hopefully finish wrapping Christmas gifts. Today I will finish getting everything I need to. Just a little more for my Mom and sister.

Today is my sister's birthday. We will probably be dining out somewhere this evening. I'm slightly annoyed with her. Over a month ago I asked her if she'd like to go to a spa for her gift. I would pay for her massage. Well, due to the fact that this was her gift, I was going to bum around Newbury Street while she got pampered. She agreed to the day and time and we made plans to do something after--grab a drink or meal. There was even an invitation to go to her place and hang.

I get a call 1 hour before she is supposed to meet me at my place. She says she needs to reschedule. She volunteers at a shelter and decided to adopt this kitty who has been badly injured but recovering well. I knew she was selected to adopt him and she was psyched about it. I don't want to say she was lying, but she said she was at the shelter for four hours trying to have a cage fit into her car. I don't mean to be selfish since this is her birthday gift, not mine, but hello? Why did she have to get the cat at that same time? So I say you know, I sort of feel blown off and then I get about a zillion, Now I feel so bad's. So the thing that pissed me off is that in her defense she says well, you wouldn't have had fun waiting for me while I had my massage, anyway. What???

Bub is at the grocery store now and there's so much to get done today. Christmas is only 8 days away. I'm excited for our road trip to Maryland to see Bub's parents. Blasting Christmas songs and chatting...We're going to DC on Saturday to visit one of my best friends in her hood. It should be a fun weekend. We offered to cook Christmas dinner too. I love baking and cooking and already announced to my parents that next Christmas, we're hosting! Yay!

***So I just talked to my sister. She feels really bad about yesterday. She's rescheduled the spa treatment, so we've made amends.

I'm off to wrap.

Lots to say

I've already had 2 cookies today (for breakfast). Our work cookie swap was a success. There was one other girl in my group with the same first name as me (which happens almost never)--we both made chocolate something cookies, so I like to think "Great ________ think alike"...

I have today OFF. OFF people. I feel sort of weird about it b/c it's been a while that I've intentionally taken a day off just because and also took it off outside of the weekend. I'm a big fan of taking Fridays off (I love those more than Mondays, when I feel like I'm always wondering what people are up to at the office, but for some reason I just know that on Friday everyone is itching to get the heck out of the office and then you have the rest of your weekend to follow). So why today? Why a Thursday??? Well, tomorrow night is my office party and I don't take a day off from work to get away from it all--including coworkers (who are nice, but you look forward to the break)--if I'm going to see my boss that same night! Plus I have a publisher lunch tomorrow afternoon anyway.

Tonight is Bub's holiday party. It's at an upscale restaurant and they've had it there for the past 2 years. It's all about free-flowing wine and very little munchies (or so it seems to me because when we leave, I'm like: Bub, we have to go get a burrito somewhere!). The free-flowing wine got me into trouble the first year. Everytime I turned around my glass was being filled. I semi-started an argument with one of Bub's coworkers about writing a book about something that had happened to him and I think I was a bit pushy (sorry!), and apparently, after the party was over and Bub and I had commit to having more drinks with this coworkers (not a good idea for me!), but intead, I just jumped into a cab--picture a girl coming out of a restaurant, booking it across the street to a cab, leaving Bub to fend for himself. Well, he caught up with me. But then I became 'whiny, bitchy girl' and so a little argument insued. I don't think it was little, actually. Wine can be evil, people.

Last year was much better. I drove, so I had no reason to allow the nice servers to keep pouring wine into my glass. But tonight I take the train. I will leave even earlier than I would have in past years to see Bub's boss who wants to give us our wedding gift in the lovely club upstairs from their office. What could it be? Hmmm.

So that's the plan. What am I doing on my day off? Well. My mom has today off too, so we may hang out. But first I have to go to the gym, finish Christmas card...make sure I know what I'm wearing to said parties. The list goes on. So now I must go. No more blogging for now.

All you happy people, have a great Thursday! : )