I didn't have the cookie.

The seats were in a horseshoe style. We used a handheld microphone. I couldn't follow along in my packet to see which slide my boss was on or else I would count how many were left before I started my part.

My heart did its obligatory dance in my chest before I approached the screen.

I kept refering to the screen when I should have glanced at the laptop.

I felt myself stutter at one point and then spit out my words.

I tried making eye contact and the voice in my head kept overshadowing what I wanted to say next with "You're doing it! You're doing it! You're talking in front of all these execs and they are watching you and that zit on your cheek, all while donning your silky blouse that you think makes you look fun."

And then? Just as I got comfortable with the next slide, there were no more. Of course, my presentation was the quickest with only a handful of slides. I was back at my seat.

The distractions of people's tired faces, busy mouths from the buffet they visited just outside the door, and the way my mind goes blank when I am nervous as if I'm seeing these slides for the first time when I've been reading and reviewing them all during the Thanksgiving break, on the train, and now, defeated me. I felt like I could have nailed it better.

Where were the damn skills I learned in my public speaking class? Why was I so nervous?

I'm sure there will be a next time, but for now, I'm safe in the chair behind my desk far from the stares of strangers who sit safely in another state.

Presentation Eve

I'm ready.

My outfit is laid out for my 4:30am alarm.

My nails are manicured.

The slides have been finalized.

Wish me luck. Come 2pm, it should be over...

I'll definitely earn a cookie by this time tomorrow...or else!

Phone is ringing, ohmygod!

Work this time every quarter blows balls. Literally. And if you're offended by my language, you should hear me talk to Bub after work on these days when I am up to my ears in this quarterly task.

First, it's the emails. "I was wondering if you could tell me our number for this quarter?"

Umm...no, I can't, but yes, you and 303 other partners would like to know that, I know. I'm sorry it's incovenient for you to have to contact me to find this out because your happy little check with the report hasn't arrived on your desk. But I'm the one still stuffing envelopes with an immature intern because this is what I do each quarter. And this quarter? This one has been one of the worst since I started working here.

So then you start calling. "Thanksgiving is around the corner. We need that lift. All those returns."

Not my problem. Wait. It's only the 15th TODAY. That means I tell you nothing before then unless I'm really, really nice. I was for this person.

I'm also starting to fret because the Tuesday after Thanksgiving I am getting on a train (again, a very early one) with my boss and her boss and another VP...so that we can go to the sales conference of one big to-do partner and present in front of a number of people, all of whom have super duper fancy titles. And though I feel a tiny bit important having the opportunity to attend this, my boss wants me to speak in front of said people.

I may just die.

I took the public speaking class in college. I did swimmingly well. But something about work and presenting in front of my boss's boss, whom I've never presented in front of before, coupled with all these important peeps makes me want to secretly scream and hide under a blanket.

My boss said it will be good "practice"...Silently I thought, for what? Practice for my...job? As in the one I have now?

I told her I'm happy to sit in a chair and listen. That didn't go over too well.

She laughed.

On the good news front, we signed the P&S yesterday (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Some think that is great (I am one of those people), but some feel as though it's also sad. (We just wrote one big honkin' check.)

Tomorrow I'll be in another country...

But I hope to post at least once while I'm away. This all depends on the Internet, my exhaustion level, and the abilitiy to privately and safely write here...

Wish me luck that my bag arrives safely (my luck with lost/delayed bags is horrible) and that I don't kill the you-know-who.

And drop by here to wish Mrs. Sass all the best; she just got married! Whee!

Have a great week all.

Bub, I'll miss you, but you know that.

A zit has decided to perch itself on my jawline and it's soooo bothering me. I think once you've survived high school, one should never ever have to deal with these things. And it hurts : (

This weekend I won't be thinking all about how I have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn for a train to take me to NY. That is quite nice, I must say.

This weekend is the last full weekend Bub and I will spend together before mid-October. Gross, I know. He has a bachelor party next weekend and the day he returns I leave for Germany. There should be a law about things like this, but for the first time ever, I think, I'm actually looking forward to the trip.

It is grueling, tiring, exhausting, nerve-wracking, and utterly difficult to spend so much time within the confines of an ultra-large convention center for which you must take a bus to get from one hall to the next, but the time spent in close confines with your, ahem, colleague also makes it trying. And then there's the whole working through Saturday and not arriving home and into the arms of your bub until Sunday afternoon which makes it all the more depressing.

But the Europeans? They know about work. Sure, the smoke clouds you have to cut through as you walk in your super cute outfits while everyone is bustling around isn't glam or nose-friendly, but the drinking which commences as early as say, 10am, or the cocktail parties and treats being passed out at the conclusion of each day are always something to look forward to. I mean, how many times have you gone to a meeting and been asked for coffee or water? Here they ask if white or red suffices or perhaps some fizzy water! How adventurous! And you bet I don't think twice about what to drink while ordering in front of the colleague. No way. This is work, people. And it all comes with the package.

Surely there are other fun things to do besides looking forward to the drinks of choice at this event. Yes, sure. The breakfast at our hotel is TDF. The mini baked goods, samplings of meat and cheeses, and then there's the jelly-sized nutellas that I always scoop up in hopes of having some leftover to bring home.

So now you know that food and drink both excite me...ha.

Then there's the little market outside of the convention center which has many kiosks of crafts made by the locals. I haven't been fortunate to find something here before when I've shopped, but goodness, that's because I have my colleague in tote, distracting me from concentrating on all that is glorious.

Finally, there is this feeling of independence and "I did it" while riding the train alone in Germany. This, "this is my job", feeling. And "I can do anything" emotion. And it feels good. Or perhaps it felt good because I was buzzed at the time and sitting quietly trying to make myself feel better about riding the train alone on a Saturday night while the rest of the world celebrated the end of a work week by, well, not working. But I digress...

So all the work that happens between the TDF breakfast and the drinks and sporadic parties? Well, that's something to feel good about. Important about. Everyone is excited to share what is new and forthcoming and wonderful. And although I often wish I was on the other side of the meeting table sharing the wealth of information I have, the grass is always greener on the other side, now isn't it?

Now only if I were solving problems like world peace or something, then I'd be all set.

Happy Friday, peeps.
+++P.S. Is anyone watching this? If so, thoughts??

Tired

I survived the 3:45am wakeup call yesterday, the meetings, the presentation, the boss.

I am still tired.

I prepare now for the 40+ meetings in Germany in less than 2 weeks.

I returned to the office to learn that the one dead mouse they found in a closet adjacent to my office had friends; additional mice carcasses were discovered.

I'm glad I wasn't here for that. I am here, however, for a lingering smell...

We finally painted our kitchen this weekend. It's not quite finished. It's almost done and then there's laundry and cleaning and switching and switching back summer to fall to summer clothes. What is up with the temps?

There has been mulling over of babies, reading of articles about how women are forced to decide between career or baby or both or what? And then there's the whole when you're 27, your fertility decreases. I'm officially old and almost 27 1/2.

Some of you Internets make me feel old in your 24 and earlier ages. What happened to the time?

I know I'm being slightly melodramatic and I know that I'm not old...yet...but I feel it. Planning out things like having babies is serious. I take it seriously. I don't understand how one plunges into this. How does one plunge?

Sex, I can understand, plunging, I cannot.

I've begun...

I've started my fall shopping and I'm looking for inspiration. My first purchase? A Michael Kors flowy, black, top with subtle detail. Perfect to dress up or down; I shall be taking it on my trip to Germany in four short weeks.

Yesterday, I purchased these:

I was looking for something different than my usual flats and I'm hoping (since I haven't yet tried them on) that they won't let me down. They're by Frye, a brand I had't yet encountered.

For some reason finding clothes for the warmer months is easier than finding outfits for the colder weather. Maybe it's the layering and, therefore, the need to have more clothing, but I feel like my cute summer look goes to blah once the leaves change.

Making the annual trek to Frankfurt each autumn is a good reason to shop since everyone who attends the work event wears to-die-for ensembles. Even their hosiery is impressive.

Why, then, can't shopping be my full-time job?

And I just remembered that the black top wasn't my first purchase at all. I have a blue cardigan on the way that I completely forgot about!

New York

So I'm here. And I think I could live here. Sure. It's hot and smelly and there are lots of people, yes.

I'm currently waiting for my husband to arrive. The wine is open, the a/c is turned on high. I'm recollecting all the people of my past I come to see once a year. The other events, not so much--they're more straight forward and professional. Actual business is handled. Here, it's a free for all event. Freebies in print, in drink, and of course, the reminiscing. I decided that I can't stand people who only care about themselves so much that they forget to ask about you. And no, just asking about your husband doesn't count. I don't think you're that great and neither should you.

But there was one person I wondered if I would see. Someone who most likely will stumble upon this post. Someone who is connected to the early part of my career. Someone who surely wants nothing to do with me. Someone who is a complete stranger now. But I looked across the corridors and around corners and thought: did she grow her hair long? Did she dye it? Is that her gabbing to someone?

No, I didn't see her. And I won't ever, I suppose.

New York City is a big place. Big enough for two strangers.

Weather is therapy

At least if you're in London that is.

I arrived yesterday and had a mental breakdown. It has already happened at two of these events: they misplaced my luggage.

We don't know where it is. Don't worry. It should be at your hotel tomorrow.

Ooooo. Great. I'm really happy to hear this. I left the airport feeling defeated after sticking around for 2+ hours yesterday after we arrived. Just great. I looked like a tourist walking Victoria Street to the Thames as women strolled past in lovely sun dresses, sandals, tank tops while the guys donned shorts and tees. Fine. I'm in all my glory, sweaty in my sweatshirt, heavy socks, sneakers, jeans, etc. I haven't brushed my teeth since before I left for the flight which laid over in JFK and on and on and on. I felt like a little girl who had no control over what she wore or selected while shopping because she didn't know best; Mom did. And so while I envied all the cute skirts and fun outfits I saw on the people walking along the water, I thought, am I going to be wearing this for the next 24 hours or more?

No, thank God. I got my suitcase late last night with all the lovelies I packed knowing that it was going to be heavenly here. All the fun clothes I purchased while shopping with Mom on Friday when I turned the big 2-7 were folded just so in my suitcase. Yup, they were there. I gained back my peace of mind and felt great this morning as I finished getting ready to attack my clients with enthusiasm, confidence and excitement.

That's right, it's my show and for once it's not about my boss and what's new with her. It's about what I know, what I think, and the work that I do. And for once, it feels frigging good to be where I am.

More later.