26 February 2006


So my post's title isn't so original, but screw that. We left early yesterday morning to do the commute I used to know quite well. This was my first go-around in the new car and I must say, I was a little more relaxed in my traveling to western MA knowing that my car could make it with energy to spare.

The commute became ever more implanted in my brain my sophomore year when my parents allowed me to bring my old car to school (R.I.P.). But it wasn't until my senior year that I left permanent tire scars on the road in all the last minute weeknight/weekend and for-no-reason trips to and from my Bub's old house. And needless to say, my first "real" job which most would refer to as their "first real job out of college" I actually started in April for fear of my not ever having an opportunity like that when I graduated at the end of May that same year. So for two days a week I hauled my ass at the crack of dawn to report to work so I could sort through slush and all sorts of other mismanaged bullshit. But anyway, that's not the purpose of my post.

Anyway, we arrive, hit Antonio's--best pizza ever people. Best frigging stuff in the state, at least. Anyway, we had limited time with the weather so after a quick bite and a shower at the hotel, we were off to see the lovely Mann get married. She was stunning. But the folks who attended the wedding, some I hadn't seen in ages. And as I mentioned in another post, I feel as though the band and the sorority, that those things were the backbone to many friendships, but it wasn't until I left that I realized who would keep in touch. But I didn't realize that the people who I *should have* been friends with b/c they were in the band and whatnot but wasn't close to, would now be the people I would realize were cool people to begin with and the band and being around them 24/7 wasn't necessarily going to make me understand that they should now be friends.

So before we left for home, we had a little "car tour" of the campus. Bub pulled over so that I could walk over to my freshman dorm. The wind was whipping like crazy--no change from when I was there almost 8 years ago (wow)...I stood in the concrete "courtyard" and I watched as students scurried to and from buildings and dining halls.

I envy them.

22 February 2006

No z's for me

I can't sleep and I tried to about an hour and a half ago. But all I could think of was the wedding:

Did I do the right thing by inviting those few people I want to attend from work?
Am I addressing the Save the Dates properly--will I be judged by the stamp, card stock, typeface, colors, and the very handwriting--sometimes crooked and definitely not perfect?
Am I including my parents in on enough of the decisions?
Will people have fun?
Will it be sunny?
Will I have regrets?
How am I going to afford a fantastic honeymoon?
Will I survive the withdrawls after it's over?

A new last name, a lifetime responsibility; 'new' family; expectations. This is truly grown-up, even for me.

I'm a little stressed.

Now for some water and hopefully a few z's. And I wanted to get up at 5 for the gym!

16 February 2006

Setting the record straight--for myself

So I'm bothered by something I wrote in my other post "Old"--and if I had patience and a brain, I'd know how to link "Old"--so work with me and just pretend that it links to the nice post by said name.

So the part where I wrote about Thanksgiving. Well I just want to write aloud that I'm not merely thankful that I have someone, I am thankful I am with the person that I am and for THAT I am thankful. I'm not thankful for the idea that I 'm attached/engaged, etc., although that's all fine and good, but it's that I'm with bub--this specific person--that makes my world go round.

OK--back to work!

15 February 2006

Top Dog

How cute is he? Congrats! Rufus wins Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club.


A few years ago, I stood waiting for a bus to take me from the Campus Center stop to town.

It was freezing out and I stood with my friend. We huddled together and would always remember the Valentine's Day we froze our asses off trying to get to a place where warm liquid would coat our throats with a sweet, thick, satisfying taste.

I don't know why I remember this day. It was almost eight years ago. When I think how long ago it was, I really do feel old. I hate referencing how old I feel these days because it seems that everyone does it, but truly, I have felt much older lately and my birthday hasn't just passed me by, either.

Back to my Valentine's Day memory. There's nothing more to tell really, except for the fact that I was single. And when I hear someone say that they're alone and that they're going to be an old maid, I say nothing. I want to say: I've been there. But I feel it's too harsh to say aloud to the person who clearly feels and fears being alone always. But you see, before my bub, I was very much alone.

Yes, I had the dates here and there--but the moments with those people fizzled before anything really substantial could amount. My Valentine's Days were puffed up with hope that whatever "love" I had would remain for days or weeks after. Or, there wasn't a "love" in sight. No flowers, no candy. And instead of moping about it on that particular day, the singledom, the emptiness, it carried itself next to me always.

As much as I wanted to NOT be the girl who yearned to be with someone, as much as I didn't want to be pathetic about the fact that I had no boyfriend, society makes us feel underpriveleged when we're not attached, when there is no significant and other.

So my Valentine's Day is more like Thanksgiving. Sure, the flowers, the card, the sentiment, it's nice. The ring, even nicer. But what happens after July, what happens when I think back to when I had only myself to be responsible for, I think how simple things could be. And how young I was.

07 February 2006

Rejection #2 has arrived.

Remember: 3 strikes and you're out.
So the A/C is on here. I have a little over 1/2 hour with plenty to do here at the office. Yet the blowing cold air during the winter months--I'm not digging it.

I went to a bachelorette party on Sat. night. I have mixed feelings about the ordeal. It started with a spa trip, which is always a treat for me. Even if it was just to get my nails done, which it was, I'm totally into the whole body pampering experience.

Next we ate dinner and attended a "party" and then finished the evening off at a bar.

It's the people I need to comment on, those who attended the party. My friend is a fellow UMASSer, someone who I'd like to think I can keep in touch with and be blunt with for a long time to come. Her sisters attended and are in the wedding, so they did all of the coordinating of the evening. Very cool and fun chicks. Aside from one person, all the other ladies were fellow UMASSers. I hadn't seen them in a long while. A few years or more, to be exact. I couldn't help but think that these were people who I spent long bus rides with, had classes with, saw at least 6 days of each week. We practiced together, pledged together, gossiped about one another--but one common thread ran amongst us: alcohol. It was the drinking, the partying, the socializing while drunk aspect that allowed me to be friendly with these people. So when it came down to going to this bar on Saturday night, though there were awkward moments of silence earlier in the evening with the generic "How ARE you?" questions with the fake emphasis on "ARE"--I realized that it was the drinking that made the friendships real.

Tales from an alcoholic? I don't think so. Pathetic friends? No... I think it was just me being young and me being naive and me regretting not finding something else besides a party to use as a connection, as a friendship with these people. And I'm really not sure how I feel about it all. With some of them, I saw the remaining connection. But I felt like someone looking in. Something that was. I think I've moved on. And though I feel that these friendships were built on forced relationships of "sisterhood" and band friends, I wonder if I'll ever find those same friendship bonds, those safe friendships again in my life but in a different capacity.

My fingers are numb. The A/C continues to churn.

03 February 2006

It Doesn't Hurt--Yet

Rejection #1 has arrived.
We went out to dinner to celebrate.
I think I'm in denial. Otherwise, something is definitely messed up.

02 February 2006


Here's a list of shit I've been doing/working on since I last wrote in my blog:

Seeing horrible wedding bands
Avoiding the gym like a dirty tissue
Drinking wine as I guilt myself about eating and drinking bad things
Poking around on the Weight Watchers site
Reading A Million Little Pieces
Figuring out text for our "Save the Dates"
Scheduling cake tastings (more guilt for not going to the gym enough)
Sitting on my butt
Trying to weigh the pros and cons of having a videographer at the wedding
Figuring out what flowers go with sky and smokey blue
Avoiding the long list of addenda I must draft for too many publishers
Learning about jobs that I'd be qualified for if I moved to Hoboken
Learning about our new humidifier
Figuring out how the hell to invite people from work to the wedding--should I?
Procrastinating on sending in the last law application