26 May 2007


It consumes me.

Do we leave now for the Cape or do we keep up the chores here so as to have a sparkling home to return to?

Do we buy groceries now so we have stuff for when we get back from the weekend away? Or, do we go on our way home when we clearly won't want to grocery shop and allow the reality of having to go back to work set in?

Do I eat a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich after having a really good workout at the gym? Or, do I drink lots of fluids and hope to feel full since I want fried (!) clams and oysters tonight? Hello cholesterol! Hello FAT!

Do I sit down for an hour or two and make a dent in work that will consume me come Tuesday since I will have only two days in the office before a work event which just so happens to be over the weekend? Ick.

All these things bubble in my mind and I can't help but think that I deserve some time to chill. Then I think how we had fun last night at a good pub in the cool air with the yummy fries and the refreshing beer. And then how we watched some 24--the first few episodes of the latest season. So, shouldn't I work now?

But the new bathing suit is waiting and the sun is, too. The heat is on and I'm ready for summer.

Screw it; I'm off the ocean.

Happy Saturday!

22 May 2007

I saw you lean over and put the folded piece of paper into her pocket. It was as if you planned to do so all along.

You didn't see me see you. You didn't care that anyone saw, I don't think.

And it's on days when I think I've forgotten about it that I wonder what you wrote to her. What words you pulled from the deepest innards of your being to bury with her. So she would always remember. And so that you would, too.

Morbidly, I wondered if I, too, would do the same, but probably not since I would be paranoid that someone would dig their grave, see my most personal expressions when they weren't meant to ever be seen by the human eye. Meant only for the soul of the person buried. Not you.

I wonder if the letter is long, written in script or in shaky letters. Perhaps the ink is dotted with your tears.

But I am not that close with you. So I will never ask. But one never knows. The alcohol makes it easier to come alive, be daring, be bold. Sometimes too bold.

I told my shameful story to a someone today. How I got behind the wheel. How I didn't do harm. I laughed it off. Not me. I'm too innocent. How could I get caught? My record has to stay clean. Just like I have to stay on track with everything. It's what's expected, engrained in my core. Without the path, I am no where. And I haven't been down that road before. It could lead me to my death.

21 May 2007


I decided on my drive home from work today that I would compile a list of things I'm missing so as to further assess whether or not I need these things. Forgive me if some seem shallow. Forgive me if this post is rough. I've had too much wine far too soon in the week to have it hit me hard come time when I'm at my desk tomorrow morning.

1. Cute brown flats
2. An MBA
3. A master's in writing
4. A doctorate in anything
5. A drive for the gym
6. A "VP" as part of my title
7. A 6-figure salary
8. A secure self image
9. A non-comptetitive streak
10. A house
11. A child
12. A bus (OK, I'm running out)
13. A brother (I don't have one, it's not that I miss him; he doesn't exist)
14. A motorcycle license (Bub has one)
15. A cat
16. A dog
17. A 2-bedroom home
18. A head of blonde hair
19. A funny demeanor
20. ....

OK, that was fun. Let's do it all over tomorrow.

20 May 2007

Friends of past

What binds us to friends of past and why is it that one feels guilt when the emotion is not truly genuine any more? That talking becomes a chore, that laughing becomes forced? What is it that changes the friends you once used to know and laugh easily with? How can a sacred bond of closeness float away?

People do change and that is one way to explain how friends are no longer close, no longer true, but I wonder if there isn't more of a reason. Are we too "busy"--no time to set aside to have dinner, coffee, wine, see one another's home, meet their S.O.? What is it?

There are so many people who enter our lives and then leave. It's those who visit longer that we call friends.

I like to think that milestones in life bring to fruition those very feelings: who is close? Who can you count on? When I'm down and my husband isn't there, who will I call? Who will pick up? Who will call back? Who remembers? Who has been there?

Lately, especially when it came time to plan my wedding, I had to think hard about who to include, who to exclude--who was "close" enough to be invited. And it was hard. What were my reasons for inviting one coworker over another? Why was my boss invited but not a college friend who spent many a night crying, laughing, remembering with me?

And the past memories were there to remind me. This is what I should do. This is what I am supposed to do.

You're limited, I think, when you reach a certain age about the people you meet and who you will befriend. And it gets harder. No more are the classrooms that throw you into a mix of personalities with people your age, no more are the summer camps and late nights of drinking in college. The "friends of friends"...there are coworkers, random encounters, but even then you should have an established friend base.

Looking back I found it easy, especially in college, to find friendships. And now I feel as though I've outgrown not only some of those friends, but the ones I had in high school. Sure, I have a few important people that I call friends or best friends. Sometimes I wonder if the past is what makes them golden or if it's because they're always there to know me, understand me, and just let me be me.

15 May 2007

It's what I need

All the lights are off because I can never be so sure if the light from outdoors is enough to fuel my workspace at the kitchen table or if the extra warmth and artificial light from the tired chandelier is over-the-top when it's on during the day.

The windows are open and even though that means no more peace and quiet of the top floor of my building where all of us are owners and all the renters are breathing below whether as students or not, I need fresh air. When spring arrives and before it gets too uncomfortable where the sweat appears on a girl who hardly does unless she's been exercising (and there certainly needs to be more of that), the windows stay open. So yes, I heard you the other night, you obnoxious college kids who throw bottles near or on cars to set their sirens off, to wake the world because you think that when you are inebriated that you rule the world moreso than when you're sober and acting plainly immature. You're now immature, loud, and loud.

The door rattles back and forth as if someone is trying to test the knob which doesn't bode well for me since about a year ago there were break-in's on our floor near our home and well, that just isn't cool. But the fresh air, it's what I need.

11 May 2007

I'm searching deep inside of myself right now. To find the place that comes so easily for you fellow blogmates. The kind of words I'm looking for have been missing for some time. And I'm afraid one wrong move and Bub will catch me and ask what I'm writing about and I won't know because that thing I learned about, that stream of consciousness will dissipate and I won't even have time to look up and be sure that I spelled dissipate correctly. So far, so good--not about the spelling but about Bub not questioning me yet.

Fuck. I had a really good song on and now it's changed so I changed it and now I'm back to where I was pre-post.


More later.

09 May 2007

Ready for Summer

I know, we only started having spring weather and I'm already rushing through to the next season.

But today I learned that I was wrong about our vacation policy. I do not have to wait until my 3rd anniversary at the company to receive an additional week of time off. No, I will start earning this extra time off at the start of my third year here, which is in June. I've rejoined the land of the living and will have more than 2 weeks of vacation this year, and a little over 3 next year. Thank goodness. It was hard saving up all my time off last year for our wedding, and I was lucky that I gained a few extra days when I worked weekends at various book fairs. Now there will be no more scrounging around for time so that I'm not the only person working during the holidays or because I couldn't take a long weekend around the 4th of July. Now I can use a vacation day here and there and not feel like I'm going to be screwed come the fall, that I have months to go before we refresh our time off.

We're well on our way to preparing for our summer vacation. It'll have been one year ago come July that we enjoyed Italy and all its glory. I feel like I've traveled so much since I started this job. And mostly it has been international time away. Although exciting, the trips can be draining--time differences and long layovers, the pressure to see this and that or we'll regret it, figuring out what to say in a foreign language, and of course, the expensiveness that comes along with it all.

This summer we celebrate our first wedding anniversary in Maine, a state which I've been to for a mere few hours for college, for marching band. I saw some snow, a football field, and rowdy bus full of college kids wondering why we're doing this when we could be sleeping in on a Saturday morning after heavy drinking. The thing is, we'll stay at a charming inn in Camden and from there do all sorts of day stuff--exploring--hanging out--relaxing. We'll toast a year down and so many to go. And that makes me happy. We'll also camp. We haven't been since we got engaged, although Bub has with his friends. We've had some good times backpacking in Montana, cooking by the fire, swimming, hiking, broiling in our tent at the Florida Keys, trying to use our cell phones to call friends and family to tell them that we're engaged... I'm looking forward to reminiscing and, of course, spending some time away.

For now, I have several trips to New York for work, a friend's wedding, and our first trek to the Cape this season to look forward to.

I'm ready for summer.

04 May 2007

It's Happening

I'm getting old. And I know I've talked and wallowed in this all before. And I know by age number that in the grand scheme of things, I'm not exactly old. But I've received my first reality check that I have taken all things for granted, including good health.

My cholesterol is borderline high. It's 212 and it should be less than 200. I am told it's "moderate" by the woman who took the test at our benefits fair here at work yesterday. I was sort of cocky walking over there.

They're going to tell me I'm fine whereas J who just had her test done is going on and on about how she has high cholesterol and blood pressure.

But no, the woman writes down my score and waves me over like a teacher looking for the child who needs "help". A pity party.

"Do you exercise?" She asks.

What? Yes!

"Well a young..." Pause. Silence. Then, more quickly.

"A young WOMAN like yourself has time to make changes in the way you eat and exercise to get your cholesterol down."

At least my blood pressure was normal.

A, who I work with (who needs to fine-tune her eating if you get me) said that those tests were wildly "off". Denial, I think. But maybe they are and my cholesterol is fine. But what if they're not "off"?

On the same day as the cholesterol test I get a comment from my favorite colleague.

"You look thin today." A smile appears on her face.

While smiling I tell her to shut up.


In the good news department I bought a new dress I fell in love with a month or so ago. I wanted to buy it but it was too pricey. Well, there was the dress again when I was at the store last night. It taunted me with its size 4 tag and hefty price.

I had heard the saleswoman pressuring girls and their mothers shopping for prom dresses that there was a sale, she had coupons. So I grabbed the dress that sat behind an ugly one as if someone had tried to hide it. I looked around for a size 6--but I noticed there were no more dresses like this anywhere in the store.

This was the last one. I almost started talking aloud, reasoning out why I should try on a dress that probably wouldn't fit and look good and work. And why I should try it on when it's twice what I want to pay?

So to make myself feel better, I brought a few other dresses in with me to try on so that the pressure didn't lie in just this one silly thing. But I tried what I had my heart set on first. And I loved it. And it made me look THIN. And that's great when the size is FOUR.

This dress I will get upset over if after having children I cannot fit back into it. It's black, but fun, black and practical, black and do you know how long it's been since I've bought something both practical AND cute? It's usually just the latter.

So I got 50 bucks off the price--but it was still above my price range for a dress.

But there was no way I was letting this go...again. This was meant to happen.

Tomorrow I'll debut it.

01 May 2007

A little bit of this, a little bit of that

Apparently there are nasty people in the world who harrass women who blog. Good Morning America shared the story and this poor woman ended her blog and actually wrote that this harrassment changed her life forever, that she does not want to leave her backyard and does not feel safe at all. Poor lady. I can't get more than maybe a comment a week on this thing, let alone hate comments.

I had the most terrible dream last night. And it's one where even if you wake up, you go right back to it so it haunts you. I can't even write about it. It's too disturbing.

I went to the gym straight after work last night which I rarely do due to the fact that there are so many people there hogging all the machines and the lack of parking, but to my surprise it wasn't packed or too, too busy probably because everyone was enjoying the outdoors since it was so warm. I really pushed it last night and because of the bad dream, I woke up feeling less than rested and dragged my butt into work 1/2 hour later than usual...oops.

More later.