28 December 2007
Here it goes.
To be positive. Bub is always looking on the bright side. Seeing the good. Me? I'm gloom and doom. It comes from my dad. I know it's annoying for Bub to hear. But right now? It's hard to be positive when the situation can potentially be sad.
To be healthy. Whether this is by way of eating and/or exercising, I want to find foods and activities I will want to actually like, not force myself into eating/doing just because they're right. For example, taking yoga classes over joining a gym because yoga may be more fun than a treadmill most days of the week. (Is it?)
To write. I took a class in the fall and it feels like ages ago. An online one and not the best choice, I haven't looked at the results of what I've taken away from it and there's alot I want to practice and experiment with...I just want to find other outlets to carry out creativity and this is a sure place to start.
To be on time. I've written about this before, but I suck at being on time. I never leave enough time to get ready, to drive somewhere, etc. I really need to get it together. Here's my chance.
To reassess my dreams: motherhood, career, school, travel, hobbies. What are they? I've been stressed and busy that I haven't figured it all out. I'd like to be able to know where they stand now since I'm not getting any younger and I'm sure that I can part with my usual sedentary habits long enough to make a plan.
To not hold grudges. Bub hates it. I feel like an ass, but I can bring up the silliest, dumbest thing in a fight with Bub that happened ions ago and he'll think, why do you have to keep bringing that up? Haven't you forgiven me? Yes, I have, I just like to remind him of what once was. I know, it's mean.
I'm sure I'll think of more, but for now that's a wrap.
2007 was a great year. No doubt. We've grown as husband and wife and we're now homeowners. Work is stable (knock on wood) and there's so much to look forward to. I hope there are some surprises on the way. And good ones at that.
26 December 2007
She is a pretty person with a warm smile, a calm, sweet woman who I could easily talk to as if I had known her for many months. I already felt I knew more things about her than a usual acquaintance would, yet there were things I was dying to know: what did she do for work? Is she having wedding withdrawls? What does she think about starting a family sometime in the future and does it terrify her as it does me?
I have to say that I wasn't nervous--maybe a tad--to meet her. She wasn't a stranger so much as I had high hopes that we could grow a friendship out of this blog world that so many people spend time commenting on, reading, and browsing. For me, it's hard to meet new people, let alone nice people who aren't fake or who have trouble being real. Sass meets the real deal criteria; I had a lovely time.
That's not say I'll meet every person over this online thingy, but the fact that I hear from a select group of people, checking in with me through comments and emails, wishing me well, caring about me, that easily supersedes the silence I receive from some of the friends I have a hard time connecting with on a weekly, if not monthly, basis.
Christmas. It was a great day. We spent Christmas Eve working on the house--cleaning, organizing, opening up some boxes. It didn't feel like Christmas Eve because of the chores we were doing, but later on we visited with Bub's family and I felt connected, which, as many of you know, is difficult for me. We enjoyed some sweets and visited with Bub's grandfather. We awoke early Christmas morning and ran down to our tree to open gifts before cooking mom's famous carrot casserole and then heading to church with my side of the family. After mass, it was gift time at my parents' house. Then lots of eating. More eating. And yes, more eating. I haven't had my mom's turkey and stuffing in ages and it was sooo worth the hiatus to taste everything all over again. Yummmy. Yummmy. Yowzers.
We got lots of fun gifts and trinkets from the North Pole, but my shopping streak was suppressed in lieu of shopping for others this holiday season, and very well should be, but now I've just discovered this site. My debit card is playing hide and seek. Except I know where it's hidden so I guess it's not a good tactic when it comes to a little shopping fever...
24 December 2007
When I was decorating the Christmas tree while Comcast set us up with a phone line, Internet, cable, all that grand stuff that keeps us, uh, connected, I was in Christmas-mode, decorating the tree, wrapping presents...Bub was upstairs doing some unpacking and was okay with not decorating our tree. It made for some quiet time to reflect on memories of decorating our tree when I was growing up. My family would go out together, pick a grand tree, go home, put on carols, and then my sister and I would go to town with the ornaments after Mom and Dad put on the lights and put it in the spot in the house where they wanted it to be shown off.
So as I decorated my little tree, I thought, something's missing...That little person, whether it be a boy or girl, or some day both, with a sparkle in their eyes and a silent smile on their faces, they'd hang Santa or an angel on the tree branches with pride.
Someday soon I hope to create those memories. Memories of a family. The reality of that life comes alive in this house.
Merry Christmas. And without further ado, our tree! Our camera needed to be charged, so you get the blurry phone pic. But you get the gist.
18 December 2007
Our new house, our new town, our new address. We are so happy to be rid of the coin-operated washing machines and non-working dryers at our old home so the washer and dryer here? We have, no joke, done at least ten or so loads of laundry already. And? I don't mind doing laundry at all. I'm GLAD to!
Our tree is up! We got it last night and it looks like a poodle tail at the top. The branches and needles stop and then a perfect clump of branches follows. Oh, and it's like 3.5 feet. It's a cutesy little bub tree. Pictures to follow.
I got to hang a little wooden mitten I just bought on our front door. Our old door was not conducive to hanging decorations...
We have a landline for the first time in five years. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. Did we just take a step back in technology?
So that's the quick update. The closing was smooth, quick. The move? Hard, but fun since we had so much help.
Sure, there's plenty to unpack, clean, and decorate. We are irked somewhat by the old lady curtains left behind, the peeling wallpaper, and unsatisfactory electrical work. But we wake up surrounded by the silence of the outdoors. We glance outside to see nature and not dirty trains. I get smiley when I pull into our driveway. We're on our way...there is so much to do that it's hard not to get overwhelmed. There is so much cleaning and on top of that there's the snowy weather that makes it even harder to keep things sparkling...
So it's back to work tomorrow.
Good thing it's a two-day week for me!
13 December 2007
We made a ton of progress last night with packing. All that's left are the items we need day-to-day like soap, shampoo, toothbrushes, sheets, um, the bed, hair products. There are my brown boots that don't give me a hard time when I wear them, my basket of knitting...since I don't ever really knit but would like to, and then a bunch of breakables in the kitchen.
Bub moved the sofas so that they face each other closely and hover near the remaining stray empty boxes.
There is dust and there are bunnies and there are also the turtles who must wonder what's going on.
We have one final item regarding the Christmas cards. Oh, and we're about 10 cards too short on supplies. But no big deal. They're the least important people anyway. Kidding.
Tomorrow I'll work a half day after we do a final walk through of our house. Then we'll close. And we'll release an old man of his childhood residence. Together Bub and I will begin a flood of new memories.
I think that although it is strange to be moving during such an off-season that the fact that it's Christmastime is helping. The XM carols, the decorations I see as I drive my long commute home. To think that this time next week I'll be working my last day of 2007 and have a mere 15 minutes to trek to and from our new house to the office sounds so nice.
I'm a bit anxious about settling and decorating. I like getting things done, crossed off my list, never to be thought about again. But we move in Saturday after an afternoon of cleaning tomorrow and we will not have yet steamed off the drab wallpaper or torn down the 60's drapes. In time, these things will get done. I want to get a feel for the space first. We moved into our condo after painting every inch of it. It was a little rushed towards the end. But since it was small, it was doable.
Not that our house is a McMansion, no, it's rather a cozy little abode that we are so excited to make ours, but all I wanted was to be home for Christmas. Fitting in renovations and painting would have interrupted the moving chain of events. And so we will be home for Christmas, we will be.
So I'm signing off until next week. Because I won't have a chance to write sooner and because, well, our Internet will be disconnected and I won't be at work either.
So until then, belt out some carols, drink some egg nog if you like it, and shop 'til you drop--but sneak in a fun gift for yourself. And if you live near where I do--good luck with the fluffy white stuff coming our way.
11 December 2007
I haven't been to the gym in ahem I *think* a month and the only meal I had yesterday outside of dinner was that of anything Hershey's, thanks to a partner.
We've made good progress on the holiday cards. Another make your own project. I'm not sure what we were thinking by trying to make these and move in the same week.
My face hates me. The great zitfest of 2007. I have a zit on my neck that screams chicken pox. It looks like one of those things and since I'm pale it's smack dab in the center of my light skin. What gives? I'm already thinking about the new sweater/top I should buy in case it doesn't go away in time for Bub's Christmas party at work.
My arms feel fat as I type this and they squeeze against my body for warmth.
I have 2.5 days of work left this week and a 2-day week next week. Then I'm off until 2008. Reminding myself of this is what's getting me through the stress.
Our condo looks like it threw up boxes.
There is so much to do.
On the fun front, there's a local organic farmshare in our new town. We are already in the organic club and can start ordering organic fruits and veggies this week if we want.
Now all we need is a dog so that we can partake in the local dog park with Sass.
I still haven't gotten my period and I'm confident I'm not pregnant. But I've never missed a month so I wonder if I should call the gyn. Ugh.
07 December 2007
I've been a good girl all year. Ahem. And I'd like to put in my request for a couple, I mean just a few, things. K? Thanks.
OK, so we just bought a house--no thanks to you, Santa, because how can you fit a house inside of a house's chimney and then tuck it under a tree? And since our current home has no chimney, I do think you owe us some extra goodies for not being able to properly visit us the past three and a half years. K? Thanks.
I never said I was Martha Stewart, Santa, but I certainly like her Web site and magazines. This girl never ever buys magazine subscriptions for herself. Can you help a domestic-wannabe-diva out?
I do love my Anthropologie apron that my dear friend gave to me at my bridal shower, but I'm sure the other home goods they sell would do just fine on our wood floors and in the three bedrooms I need to decorate. I wouldn't mind a cute little dress to wear on New Year's Eve, either. I hear they have some pretty fab stuff. I mean, I know they do. This is where this girl likes to get her shopping spree on. After all, a new year means new clothes, right? You wouldn't want me shopping at a less-than-stellar boutique since we're now broke from putting a down payment on the house. K? Thanks.
Now that we have a gynormous screened in front porch and a cute 'lil deck to play in when the weather turns warm that means...lemonade! And entertaining! And barbeques! But wait. We don't have one of those things to cook burgers and hot dogs and therefore we have nothing to serve the potato salad with. That's right, Santa, make us yearn for summer with a new grill! K? Thanks.
I don't want to act like a gift-grubber, Santa, really, so please just give as many toys and homes to those who are in need of them and who are alone this holiday season. K? I'd even let you not get me a grill if it meant you gave millions of toys to children out there hoping for shiny somethings under the tree.
We're pretty bummed about not being able to attend that wedding in Anguilla that we were pleasantly surprised and honored we got invited to. So in lieu of that please help us save, save, save our pennies again so that we may be able to go on a nice little trip in '08 that doesn't trump the Italy honeymoon, but maybe involves some sun, beaches, swimming, shopping, and a tad bit of camping and hiking (to please my Bub).
Oh, and Santa, when I was a little girl many years ago, wishing upon a star, smelling Christmas in the night, wishing with all my might as I attended party after event after get together solo, sans my love...Santa, thanks for my husband. He's the best gift under the tree each Christmas. And the best gift every day.
05 December 2007
So my online shopping demon is taking over. This time it's for moi...I know, I know, it's Christmas, but this is TOO cheap to pass (we're talking UNDER $40!!!!! and that includes the clutch!).
But now there's the question of which clutch: Gold or Silver. I'm more a silver chick, but gold seems like it will work with the dress better. I'm very sensitive about matching. I don't wear gold jewelry with silver, etc.
I could wear the dress to Bub's holiday party next week; I have a cream wrap. I think I can pull the outfit off except that it will be minus seven hundred thousand degrees for sure and my legs have turned into liquid fat from my banishment from the gym.
Oh, I didn't tell you? I decided to make up a story that I was banished from the gym. Makes me feel better about the situation.
Thanks for your input. Or please tell me that the dress is ugly and I'll go save my $27.80 plus shipping for it.
No, really. After a few swipes of the debit card, things are looking up on the gift front.
Thanks to Pessimistic Redhead I've got my sister covered with some baked goodies. I even got some licorice for my mother too.
Everyone in the office has been freezing and running space heaters non-stop. People with offices...ahem...like moi (and damn proud of it!) are shutting their doors to keep the warmth close.
It is so cold here, and I so despise walking through the icy parking lot to the car so that I can run an errand to the post office, let alone entice myself with some Starbucks!
Yes, the post office has been on my list for some time. I want to fill out a change of address form thingy so we are set with our mail. Apparently, if you do so online, they make you pay and they have to ensure that your credit cards all have said new address so that they don't thnk you're being fraudulent.
Hi, who would want to be me? I have bills, bad hair days, and I've been PMSing forever. Oh, I didn't mention that my period is 2 weeks late, approaching 3? Yeah, my period is so irregular. A week to two weeks late is pretty consistent, but we've just passed the 2-week mark. It's like Christmas in your pants when I get it, but not really.
That was kind of gross. Sorry. And no, I'm not pregnant, but thanks for thinking that. I so appreciate it : )
04 December 2007
I've been complaining, whining, bossing, and acting like a plain old snob.
I think I'm in a rut.
I think the holiday bug has bit me, but in a I-must-be-obsessive-compulsive-and-get-all-this-stuff-done-so-that-we-can-enjoy-the-holidays mood. I've been barking at Bub, freaking myself out that after Bub's Christmas party, the night before we close, that we'll be all holiday-cute and stuffing boxes with newspaper-wrapped items until dawn instead of snuggling in our warm bed and celebrating that we're moving! and to our first house! and yeah!
Last week I emailed several friends and family members to help us move in 10 days, a mere 10 days before Christmas and the response? Overwhelmingly positive. I don't get it. Ask me to do that for someone else and I would have laughed at the computer screen and told Bub, are they for real?
So for this I am grateful, but I don't know what it is about my 'tude that is making me this way. I think I'm stressed.
So, moving on to more stress. What the hell do I buy my sister? She is not a girly-girl, her birthday is in a little over a week and the best I can do? The best I can do is think that a set of knives is a good gift.
Someone set me straight.
See, my sister lives in her condo and is a bonafide work-aholic. That is fine and that is what her work is all about--the client--and deadlines--and I could never do it because you need to know math. And so yeah. I thought knives would be a good gift because we went and carved pumpkins before Halloween at her place and she said she had this one crappy knife aside from a kit she bought. She needs some home love. Knives could help, right?
And the funniest part is? Bub thinks knives are OK for her gift too. Um, can you imagine if we go through with this and get her knives?
This gets better. So we decided on a Restoration Hardware gift cert for Bub's parents. They are doing some remodeling and Bub's mother told me how she really likes the store, so we think this is a great gift idea. Except apparently I go haywire with gifts (I know, I am about to purchase knives, but go with me here) and Bub's mom is all like we're asking for no gifts or to spend no more than $25. They are sweet, and all like, you just bought a house so please don't concern yourself with buying gifts. But hello? You can buy like 2 coffees at Starbucks and a piece of gingerbread and go over that amount. So we decide to get a gift cert for Bub's mom and dad thereby making it $50 ($25 for Mother-in-Law and $25 for Father-in-Law). I still think this is too little so we think that getting a small something else as a joint gift will complete the giving.
So what do we get? I don't want to get something geared towards one gender more than another or else it's not a joint gift and so at least three times Bub has suggested that we get.... socks (as in the things you put on your tootsies) as a gift.
Hi Mother-in-Law, how are you? Oh, yes, enjoy the gift certificate, complete with your socks. We got you the special white kind. We didn't want to go over the maximum amount, so no gold-toe brands were purchased.
Although the woman who thought I was preggers earlier this year? She bought me socks for Christmas last year.
I won't knock them though, they are pretty nice.
01 December 2007
We move to our new home in 13 days.
Christmas is in 24.
I have a shitload of vacation coming up and I couldn't be happier to break in the new house, get settled, relax, and explore our new surroundings.
We are going to our first Christmas party tonight.
Bub and I had a heart-to-heart chat today which was much needed. We've been so busy with getting ready for the move and life to catch up on us.
I guess that's it at the moment, but it sure feels like a lot.
28 November 2007
My heart did its obligatory dance in my chest before I approached the screen.
I kept refering to the screen when I should have glanced at the laptop.
I felt myself stutter at one point and then spit out my words.
I tried making eye contact and the voice in my head kept overshadowing what I wanted to say next with "You're doing it! You're doing it! You're talking in front of all these execs and they are watching you and that zit on your cheek, all while donning your silky blouse that you think makes you look fun."
And then? Just as I got comfortable with the next slide, there were no more. Of course, my presentation was the quickest with only a handful of slides. I was back at my seat.
The distractions of people's tired faces, busy mouths from the buffet they visited just outside the door, and the way my mind goes blank when I am nervous as if I'm seeing these slides for the first time when I've been reading and reviewing them all during the Thanksgiving break, on the train, and now, defeated me. I felt like I could have nailed it better.
Where were the damn skills I learned in my public speaking class? Why was I so nervous?
I'm sure there will be a next time, but for now, I'm safe in the chair behind my desk far from the stares of strangers who sit safely in another state.
26 November 2007
25 November 2007
I love Bub and did at that time when I thought that it would be great to actually travel somewhere for the holidays since my family is all local. He had already spent a Thanksgiving with my family so it seemed no big deal that I see his on Christmas.
Boy was I wrong.
I felt so out of place. These people that he calls family were not strangers; we had met and spent time with each other a number of times before, but I felt like an observer looking to other people for clarification on how to celebrate a holiday that I had grown up celebrating on my own with my own family and friends.
Presents were opened after mass on Christmas eve. Naps weren't uncommon and the day was very relaxed and perhaps a board game or two were taken out for fun later on in the day. Lots of eating and some drinking. All in all, not a super different take on how my family celebrates the holiday if we aren't trekking to Grandma's house or to a restaurant instead of someone doing most of the cooking.
Yet it was strange. I felt like a person who was plugged into another nuclear family and their traditions and I felt like a little girl and a bratty one at that for feeling so strange.
But time and time again, when visiting Bub's family I can't shake that I don't fit. Bub says I'm crazy and that I'm self conscious. I fit just fine and I'm making a fuss. But I'm drab and dull compared to his younger sister who is older than I. I don't have much in common with his parents who find my fiction reading sub-par to their non-fiction, academic lit, and my hobbies of baking, shopping, and eating out (!) are not in line with their political and historical chats, architecture love, and Costco trips.
When I'm at their home sometimes I wonder if they can see how different I am from them and think that I'm a wrong match for their son. It makes me sad and anxious.
So I tell Bub and I get upset. But after six years of dating I wonder why I still feel this way. We are married and I feel like we know why we're together; why should feeling like I'm part of his family be so seamless? I guess it's because I see how easy it is for him to blend in with mine and to be loved unconditionally.
And then I remember the times when Bub's mom tells me that I'm stuck with them, flaws and all and that they're so happy that their family has grown to include me.
And I'm just in awe because I'm making myself look like one big flaw, by obsessing over who I should be. I wish I didn't care so much and could let go and be that easy-going girl. I think I should be past the insecure stage. I think I'm ready to take it to the next level and act like the sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, and wife that everyone already views me as.
It's like I'm stuck on the first meeting of the parents and sibling. And I don't know how to get unstuck.
19 November 2007
So work is swallowing me whole. There was a point of dilly-dallying. Checking personal emails. Talking on the phone about houses with Bub. More dilly-dallying, reading gossip about the industry, entertainment, and then local news. More dilly-dallying.
Somewhere half-way through the first dilly-dallying session my job caught up with me and hit me aside the head.
What the fuck are you doing? It said. You know this quarterly stuff is going to creep up on you? Oh, and that to-do list, why don't we triple it and then never let it dwindle down! Ha!
Yeah, so I'm so super busy when, hi, I should be looking forward to the short work week. Instead, I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to get it all done and next week? Well I have that confidence-building activity to do and another remote meeting to prepare for, then it's the calls and the follow-up I STILL have from the Germany gig.
So I'm stressed.
So add to that the house. We're trying to work out which mortgage to go with. Bub is a pro at this, moreso than I am since he is the homeowner now and I? Well I'm the newbie and about as clueless as they come to rates and APR and points and closing costs and pre-paids and monthly payments and escrow and did I mention closing costs? So we're trying to get that settled so that we can, um, afford this new home. To top that off we have a mere two weeks left here or maybe three, but no, I think it's two before we move. Packing? Never heard of it. Boxes? What are those? Tenants for our condo? Who?
And to top that off Bub just told me that his parents and sister will come here for Christmas to spend it with his grandfather. Cue record player needle screeching on a record noise. What? They're coming on December 23rd? Double what??
We're going to see them for Thanksgiving. Last Thanksgiving we were supposed to see them. Instead, Bub's parents said sayonara and went to Spain. So we stayed here and visited with my family and we did Christmas there last year for the second year in a row.
I'm ready for Christmas here. Home. My family. Home.
So Bub tells me how the in-home care workers for his grandfather are going to have to work on the holiday unless someone comes to take care of him. So then I learn that because of a past situation involving Bub's grandfather not really wanting to put up Bub's family since his memory is not in the best shape and he's more uncomfortable than hospitable when it comes to others staying over at his house, Bub's family may stay here. As in the condo. They want to stay in cots that they would bring here. They want to stay in what will be our vacant, ready for tenants, no bath towels or shower curtain, condo.
When did Bub find this out? Today. And I guess my sister-in-law was going to stay in a hotel so of course Bub agreed that they stay here. Who gets to clean and provide hotel accommodations to my in-laws mere days after moving? Yes, you got it.
The last time we moved we got to do the same bloody thing: put up Bub's friends in our apartment as we moved here, to the condo. I'm looking forward to this, again. Stressful? Nah. Fun? Absolutely!
And to further make my blood boil, Bub tells me that he can understand how his mom is pulling the mother-in-law implication. What, I say? Well, they're inviting themselves over for Christmas, will stay at our condo, and well we'll probably see them on Christmas eve. What? And then Bub tells me hey, we'll see your family on Christmas, we don't have to see them both days, right?
Ummm....well, we can go down to see his family for Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday of this week, right? And when we're there for Christmas we can do the same, but we're going to hang out with my family for a few hours over the course of two days and we're already building in time to see the in-laws.
This, this is definitely an in-law uh-oh.
I was beginning to think I had the holidays covered since I've begun my shopping, I am no longer irked by the holiday commercials, and I have preset one of my XM stations to the 24/7 Christmas music. But the work hanging over my head? Sucks. And the in-law drama? Well, I know I'm creating some of it here, but I'm not sure how to survive. Someone please tell me it's no big deal. Someone tell me to calm down.
I know, I know, it's terrible I don't want to see my in-laws at Christmas. But that's just it! I do! It's just that hi, can we please have this holiday with my family this year? And I know, it's terrible to think Bub's grandfather is alone for the holidays, but we could easily stop in to check on him (he won't leave the house). And can we move to a residence just once where we don't have to play hotel to others?
I'm super annoyed and totally PMSing. I've slammed the door and my husband thinks I'm a total biatch. I am. I get it. But I am totally annoyed and irritated. Ugh.
15 November 2007
First, it's the emails. "I was wondering if you could tell me our number for this quarter?"
Umm...no, I can't, but yes, you and 303 other partners would like to know that, I know. I'm sorry it's incovenient for you to have to contact me to find this out because your happy little check with the report hasn't arrived on your desk. But I'm the one still stuffing envelopes with an immature intern because this is what I do each quarter. And this quarter? This one has been one of the worst since I started working here.
So then you start calling. "Thanksgiving is around the corner. We need that lift. All those returns."
Not my problem. Wait. It's only the 15th TODAY. That means I tell you nothing before then unless I'm really, really nice. I was for this person.
I'm also starting to fret because the Tuesday after Thanksgiving I am getting on a train (again, a very early one) with my boss and her boss and another VP...so that we can go to the sales conference of one big to-do partner and present in front of a number of people, all of whom have super duper fancy titles. And though I feel a tiny bit important having the opportunity to attend this, my boss wants me to speak in front of said people.
I may just die.
I took the public speaking class in college. I did swimmingly well. But something about work and presenting in front of my boss's boss, whom I've never presented in front of before, coupled with all these important peeps makes me want to secretly scream and hide under a blanket.
My boss said it will be good "practice"...Silently I thought, for what? Practice for my...job? As in the one I have now?
I told her I'm happy to sit in a chair and listen. That didn't go over too well.
On the good news front, we signed the P&S yesterday (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Some think that is great (I am one of those people), but some feel as though it's also sad. (We just wrote one big honkin' check.)
08 November 2007
06 November 2007
We'll be moving in a little over 5 weeks. That means it's six or so weeks until Christmas! I haven't even had time yet to let Halloween soak in.
Finding this house and moving into it has been a big item on my to-do list. On our to-do list. And to think that only three and a half years ago we were painting and moving into our condo now. Now we will be landlords and homeowners. A scary thing, I think.
But it's helped me to feel more at ease, buying this house. Because this was one of the items on my to-do list. The one I mentally created and then put to paper many times when deciding the path that will lead me to motherhood.
What's stopping me now? My fears? The unknown? People were really right when they said they'll never really be a good time. I'm trying so desperately to have it all figured out. When, in reality, figuring out the unknown with Bub is not such a scary thing.
Does this mean I've made a decision? Ummmm, no.
Am I closer? You bet.
01 November 2007
So it's no secret that we're moving to the 'burbs. Yes, yes we are. And right now we are in the city with trains and cars and students and noise and convenience. We can walk or ride the train and don't need a car, but we do and we like having one to take us when the train is packed with obnoxious students or Red Sox fans. I digress.
Now we will move to a suburb. Sure, we'll be farther away from some of our favorite bars and restaurants. We won't have the building maintenance guy around any old time we need him to pick our lock when we get locked out of our condo while doing laundry. In the basement. Oh, and laundry? I won't miss doing that whole coin-operated thing down five flights of stairs and up again.
I grew up in a suburb and it wasn't until my first job when most people lived in Boston and wondered how people could do it. Live in a suburb. Where is everything? What is there to do? And I never considered my upbringing in a suburb because we weren't that far from the city. My hometown has changed, and for the better, but it's still too familiar for me to return to it in a different part of my life: as an adult. I love to visit, and the church I went to growing up is forever in my heart because that's where we got married, but I need something new. But don't get me wrong, I will always cherish my roots there.
And Bub, he didn't grow up in a city either so when we put in our offer for this house and we said to each other: Wow, this could be it, we felt the shock.
This is going to be our new surburban life.
But it wasn't until I started to spread the news about our house when people said that they really liked the idea of living in the country.
To me country is cows, manure, fields, and farms. It's not a suburb so much as it's like, you know, the country.
There are no cows where we are moving, but wait, we heard that the dairy there has the greatest ice cream....
It has not fields but forests because the town is home to various trails and conservation lands...
But we haven't seen any farms or smelled manure, er, not yet at least. I smelled enough of that in my later years of college because the farms were literally down the road and it really was country there. It smelled the worst during the summer. Open up the windows for fresh...manure scent.
So how do I feel when people say "Oh, I'd love to live in the country"?
Well, I think there must be a new outfit I can buy to fit the part.
29 October 2007
27 October 2007
We put in an offer, negotiated, and agreed on a price.
Our inspection takes place on Halloween.
And we even know which room will be the nursery for that Next Step.
It will be bittersweet to move from here, the home we made our own and learned to love together.
Although I helped with the painting (or thought I did), it was Bub's home first. He did all the heavy hitting with being Mr. Homeowner. I remember the phone calls as I listened to the drama that came with the negotiations. I remember listening to the home inspector, and I remember as I sat quietly at the closing. I've always felt that it was my home from day one, but this is different. This new home will be our first house.
This is me being a grown up.
When did I become one?!!!
25 October 2007
So, the weather and the need for some caffeine? A very important thing since hi, Red Sox! And hi, late staying up for me is difficult since hi, I go to bed early like a granny, or try to.
I cannot believe it's November next week. The month of Thanksgiving! We made travel arrangements last night to see Bub's family. It's all coming up so fast. I was shocked to see the holiday catalogs arriving already...I'm already wondering what I can wear to holiday parties...hmmm....
I have a lot of work to do today which could mean staying late, but not too late since hi, it's that thing called the WORLD SERIES and although we seriously crushed the Colorado peeps last night, I don't think we're going to get off so easy. I just don't.
So if you'll excuse me, I have to go be a good employee now (yeah right).
GO SOX! GO ORTIZ!
P.S. The house? Some of you know the dealio as of now... Fingers crossed!
23 October 2007
I was still shocked at the number of minutes it took me. Once the corporate backyard melted away, autumn lingered with its playful summer temps. How so many long for it to say goodbye, to leave with us the crisp air that matches the colors on the leaves.
They swirled around as I became familiar with the roads. They reminded me of Amherst.
Maybe it was the sloppiness of the trees, leaving their bits all over, or maybe it was the winding roads that used to carry me back to school each autumn and then home again to remember where it all started for me.
And I turned past what I thought was our future. On its corner with its landscape for children, its Halloween lights on. No one was home...
It was the private moment I discovered just beyond there on the next street that made me pause and wonder.
He sat on the porch and looked older than I imagined. Was he looking at an album? He must have brought it because the house is empty.
Did he know the man who parks his truck nearby?
Did he see me and feel pressured that he must let go? That there was someone else watching, wanting the memories he would soon leave there?
He can take them with him.
There are new ones to make.
19 October 2007
2. Yesterday was my *Friday* as I am off today.
3. I am preparing to return to the place where I laughed so hard it hurt, made so many special friends, learned to love a new part of the state, and read and wrote to my heart's content and more. It's Homecoming, and autumn is most beautiful here...
4. The Red Sox will keep it alive for another game tomorrow. Here's to another win!
Have a great weekend!
18 October 2007
Three weeks ago, my mother's cousin's husband passed away. It was very sad in that my mom's cousin and her husband loved each other so much and he was too young to let life go. A cancer victim, we first learned about his illness months prior to our wedding and his first treatment was actually the day before the wedding. They attended and put their happiest faces on. And for that I am grateful, but I wish I could have done something to make it all better for him, for her, for them.
Last Monday, as I packed my clothes and toiletries away for the Frankfurt whirlwind, I saw an urgent message from management to jump on a call in less than 15 minutes. My first reaction is that we bought another company and they were officially announcing the news. No, one of our colleagues who I hadn't spoken to more than a few times in his year or so of working at the company passed away. It wasn't sudden as he, too, was sick with cancer. I heard he was having other health troubles and went on disability. He never made it out of the hospital after recently being admitted, but his wife was hopeful as she was told her husband would be able to go home soon. When she left to make preparations at their home, he took a turn for the worse.
And on Monday of this week, as I battled jet lag and the fact that I was back at work after working through the weekend, Bub emailed me that a close friend's father has passed away. Again, to cancer. He'll go to the funeral and memorial services out of state this weekend.
I didn't want to believe that death comes in threes, but they do. They have. And it sucks.
16 October 2007
Mini croissants - warm
Granola - with cocoa bits
Cheese - soft, perfect for breakfast sandwiches
Meats - to make with said cheese sandwiches
Nutella - in jelly-sized packets
How I love thee.
I bring home a few each time I go there not because I didn't know I could buy Nutella in the grocery store (we should all know that!), but because it's heaven on wheels. Heaven on wheels! Got that? And it's the perfect little size so as to feel like you're not being a heif-heif by consuming it.
Before I left for the trip I was not eating much as I had been so busy at work (note: still busy) and because I was sick of eating crap.
Cue to the wine and beer and wine and champagne and fat-induced breakfasts that I consumed on a daily basis while away. Add to that the obligatory desserts and fabulous ice cream they sell at each of the exits of the convention center.
Hello, I'm Fatso, nice to meet you.
Now that I'm back, my clock is f-ed up. Up at 4:30 yesterday morning, up at 5:30 this morning and I feel that I should have already had my quiche Lorraine or caprese sandwich after my croissants with Nutella. In other words, I feel ready for lunch! But no, at 10:24am I'm eating peanut butter with a fork (already had the rest of my Nutella packet on toast when I woke up) and a banana and a latte...
I'm on the way to Fatsville and I want to turn back.
15 October 2007
11 October 2007
and the keyboard screws me up so dont expect punctuation or good spelling
my sleep comes in dribs and drabs and the u know who is challenging
yes, that is a good way to put it
i thought being peer pressured into drinking was something we did in high school
there is so much this event makes me think about...what i know...what i want to learn...how what i am doing is so relevent to the industry, yet it is short something
something i will find out
not necessarily with a class, degree, baby, or new job
somewhere in between the lines it will appear
for now there are the contacts i have learned and become friends with who hug and kiss me and i must remember the one, the challenging one, who acquainted me with all of this.
and for that i will be grateful and grin and bear it and get up early tomorrow to do it again
god, i miss my husband
how do long distance peeps do it?
ok, me sleepy time now
08 October 2007
Wish me luck that my bag arrives safely (my luck with lost/delayed bags is horrible) and that I don't kill the you-know-who.
And drop by here to wish Mrs. Sass all the best; she just got married! Whee!
Have a great week all.
Bub, I'll miss you, but you know that.
05 October 2007
First, I just have to say that sometimes I love anonymity. One of my contacts at company we closely work with is someone I've never met in person. So when I was making plans for Germany next week and thought maybe we could meet and get caught up on business there, I was told that he doesn't get to travel to those events, much less leave the state of NY where he resides (and works). And he's like, and I won't be coming to Boston any time soon since I'm a YANKEES fan. He may as well have told me I was fat for the way in which he said it was like a slap in the face! Then he laughed and so did I and that's when I said something to the extent of "The Yankees are going down...so watch out!"
That brings us to today with more banter--an obscenely large Yankees logo taking up space in an email much about nothing was sent to me. So I decided that even though there was no update on our latest agreement that we've been toying back and forth with through legal for months, that I would send a little email his way, throwing in his face that the loss against the Indians was u-g-l-y (you don't need no alibi, you ugly, you UGLY!)...
And so we just had a nice chuckle on the phone now. In your face, Yank pants!
Bub is away this weekend and there's a good chance I won't see him prior to leaving for Frankfurt. Sigh. He's off to Maine for a kayaking trip with his friends as one of them is getting married in the spring and this is his bachelor party. I'm going to miss him, but there's lots of laundry and cleaning and packing and shopping (!) to do before I leave so I'll keep myself busy with that. My parents offered to come over and check out the new kitchen renovations, too.
Hopefully I'll be able to squeeze Bub goodbye once more before I go. Otherwise, I'll be counting down the days to when I see him. I know, I'm a sap. But it gets hard when you're in a routine and then you all of a sudden don't see your best friend for a long time! A week is a long time!
Finally, the last update is that I started my very first online class. I was skeptical about it and still am, but I wanted to write and be pushed and get my mind moving again, wiping the cobwebs away with homework and lectures and stuff. So last night I had to write and it was hard. And I sat in front of a screen for a while typing and deleting and typing. And I put it out there.
I posted my weaknesses and shared my downfalls, but hopefully there's a hidden gem in there somewhere. Hopefully something worked and someone will release me of my insecurities or help me through the process so that I can once again feel like a strong writer and someone who can feel that she knows what she is doing. Because there's been a lot of not knowing lately.
03 October 2007
28 September 2007
This weekend I won't be thinking all about how I have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn for a train to take me to NY. That is quite nice, I must say.
This weekend is the last full weekend Bub and I will spend together before mid-October. Gross, I know. He has a bachelor party next weekend and the day he returns I leave for Germany. There should be a law about things like this, but for the first time ever, I think, I'm actually looking forward to the trip.
It is grueling, tiring, exhausting, nerve-wracking, and utterly difficult to spend so much time within the confines of an ultra-large convention center for which you must take a bus to get from one hall to the next, but the time spent in close confines with your, ahem, colleague also makes it trying. And then there's the whole working through Saturday and not arriving home and into the arms of your bub until Sunday afternoon which makes it all the more depressing.
But the Europeans? They know about work. Sure, the smoke clouds you have to cut through as you walk in your super cute outfits while everyone is bustling around isn't glam or nose-friendly, but the drinking which commences as early as say, 10am, or the cocktail parties and treats being passed out at the conclusion of each day are always something to look forward to. I mean, how many times have you gone to a meeting and been asked for coffee or water? Here they ask if white or red suffices or perhaps some fizzy water! How adventurous! And you bet I don't think twice about what to drink while ordering in front of the colleague. No way. This is work, people. And it all comes with the package.
Surely there are other fun things to do besides looking forward to the drinks of choice at this event. Yes, sure. The breakfast at our hotel is TDF. The mini baked goods, samplings of meat and cheeses, and then there's the jelly-sized nutellas that I always scoop up in hopes of having some leftover to bring home.
So now you know that food and drink both excite me...ha.
Then there's the little market outside of the convention center which has many kiosks of crafts made by the locals. I haven't been fortunate to find something here before when I've shopped, but goodness, that's because I have my colleague in tote, distracting me from concentrating on all that is glorious.
Finally, there is this feeling of independence and "I did it" while riding the train alone in Germany. This, "this is my job", feeling. And "I can do anything" emotion. And it feels good. Or perhaps it felt good because I was buzzed at the time and sitting quietly trying to make myself feel better about riding the train alone on a Saturday night while the rest of the world celebrated the end of a work week by, well, not working. But I digress...
So all the work that happens between the TDF breakfast and the drinks and sporadic parties? Well, that's something to feel good about. Important about. Everyone is excited to share what is new and forthcoming and wonderful. And although I often wish I was on the other side of the meeting table sharing the wealth of information I have, the grass is always greener on the other side, now isn't it?
Now only if I were solving problems like world peace or something, then I'd be all set.
Happy Friday, peeps.
+++P.S. Is anyone watching this? If so, thoughts??
26 September 2007
After my first review here, I got a raise, but it was a surprise; I expected nothing as I have been in positions where, if you do not get a promotion, you get little or nothing. I expected the latter, but instead I got double the "norm" or whatever that is.
I was psyched.
And so now as I near my 2.5 tenure here, I waited for something similar. I mean, who knew what the review would bring. I got the juicy raise last year, the office this summer, I was sort of on an up and up.
I got solid feedback and I was reminded of things I did that I forgot I did--and they were good things.
But I left without anything to feel great about--no additional moolah, no promotion, nada.
One thing about where I am in a position is the growth that comes with it. I have grown here, but I'm always looking for the next milestone to reach. And although they hardly (outside of my direct report) promote others, I can't help but wonder what the turning point will be for me here.
What is next?
And I find myself saying that alot lately with not just work, but with my life's path.
I've never been one to plan...I just sort of followed. And I know that's not very creative, but I mean, I went to college because it's expected and it was the right thing to do--at least for me. And then I found my first job, which was what you were supposed to do after you graduated (unless you went to school, but publishing doesn't require it, so there you go), and then I got married to my husband because when you find your love, that's what you do--you don't let them go! And so then you're where I am...at this crossroads where you are the person who has to decide what's next because there is no more flow--I mean, the flow can happen in any number of ways.
Am I beating a dead horse here?
Anyway, all of the above aside, I will leave you with this question:
Where does one find inexpensive, but fun accessories/jewelry? I'm talking a red-beaded necklace or something of the sort? I'm in need of fun items like these. Similar to the Mint Julep's of the world (or the 2 that are in MA)...
Bostonians, speak up! Or else, point me to any good sites for online shopping!
25 September 2007
I am still tired.
I prepare now for the 40+ meetings in Germany in less than 2 weeks.
I returned to the office to learn that the one dead mouse they found in a closet adjacent to my office had friends; additional mice carcasses were discovered.
I'm glad I wasn't here for that. I am here, however, for a lingering smell...
We finally painted our kitchen this weekend. It's not quite finished. It's almost done and then there's laundry and cleaning and switching and switching back summer to fall to summer clothes. What is up with the temps?
There has been mulling over of babies, reading of articles about how women are forced to decide between career or baby or both or what? And then there's the whole when you're 27, your fertility decreases. I'm officially old and almost 27 1/2.
Some of you Internets make me feel old in your 24 and earlier ages. What happened to the time?
I know I'm being slightly melodramatic and I know that I'm not old...yet...but I feel it. Planning out things like having babies is serious. I take it seriously. I don't understand how one plunges into this. How does one plunge?
Sex, I can understand, plunging, I cannot.
20 September 2007
I'm exhausted. Today was so busy with all those meetings I said would eat up my day. And I feel like I can't be 100% psyched for the weekend because come Monday morning, my ass will be up at 4am, not to go to the gym, not to get to work early, but to board a train that will haul my ass to NYC for meetings--more meetings--all day. And my last meeting? Won't end until after 4pm, which means, yay, that will suck. And I don't and can't and won't elaborate that much more except I tried to take my chances with a train ride to NYC instead of flying because I'm so sick of the delays and the pain in the ass that going to the airport is. But seriously, our first meeting requires me to get on the earliest possible train in the history of ever. So I'll be arriving one hour and fifteen minutes early for the first meeting because if I don't plan ahead and be on time which I hardly ever am, I'll most likely be late seeing as how the next train, which would require my being up at a mere hour later--5am, gets me to NY fifteen minutes earlier than when my meeting starts.
Bored yet? I am. Tired yet? I am.
Ugh. Anyone up for caffeine suckage downage at 8am in NY on Monday morning?
Happy almost weekend.
19 September 2007
I'm having thoughts about going shopping after work (shocker) in that this week has been torture trying to figure out how not to freeze my buns in the office (hello, it's freezing) and because it is very close to fall, and I should no longer be milking my warm-weather wardrobe.
I went through my casual tops and I seem to have 2 black, 2 green, 2 white/very light, long sleeve numbers and a couple of borderline spring long sleevers-too. How exciting, huh?
I have either summery or wintery cardigans and the new sweater I bought is definitely too warm for now.
So yes, now that I feel good in the shoe department (and I am wearing these today, for the second day in a row, because I love them so much and because they are comfortable which is a hard thing to come by in shoes), I need to concentrate on the stuff that will cover up my underwear while in the office.
The office has been quiet because my boss has been out since Monday. Tomorrow she returns and we have too many meetings planned. More than I usually have in a month. OK, maybe that's exaggerating the facts, but it's a lot and they're practically back to back. And dammit, I was productive this morning and it seems to be waning, my drive, hence the post.
En route to my trip to the bucks that is star for this latte, I called my friend who just had a baby boy. I heard him in the background. I heard her talking about diapers and c-sections, and dialation. I heard her speak the gooey baby talk to this baby whose name I'm fairly sure I'm not a fan of. But I would never ever ever tell her because she is my friend and she doesn't need my opinion about what she named her first born child. And she doesn't read this blog (or so I hope), so I think it's safe to say that.
Anyway, I got a mommy pang while listening to all of this baby talk from her, and that's all I am gonna say about it.
17 September 2007
I got a manicure just before going to pick up Bub at the train station. When I collected my husband, we went straight to a wine tasting where we were meeting my family to support the organization my sister volunteers at. The organization has to do with animals. The event was held in a hall. The event smelled like animals, namely cat litter.
We left after some tasting and stopped at a local Mexican place for some late dinner before some TV and then bed.
Saturday was consumed by cleaning. Cleaning the new kitchen counters and sink we just had installed. Cleaning the inside and outside of cabinets and reorganizing every item including the 6 boxes of cous cous we didn't know we had.
Bub was a laundry superstar. I had on my sexy plastic gloves for toilet and tub scrubbing pleasure.
Then it was off to 3 grocery stores in search of manicotti squares in order to make dinner for my friend who was visiting from DC.
No one sells damn maincotti, so lasagne was made instead. Bub thought it might be weird since it was a manicotti recipe for which I was making lasagne. I reminded him that manicotti and lasagne are booth NOODLE dishes. It would be OK.
It was OK--in fact, it was delish.
No lasagne leftovers remain.
Yesterday we went to the "Natick Collection" to see the first Nordstrom of Massachusetts. I bought shoes which I am wearing today. And they are glorious. Bub got a new suit. He is just the most handsome man ever in a suit.
We were exhausted after battling the cars and crowds at the newly renovated "collection" (mall!) and headed home. Some more TV and some more cleaning completed the evening. I finally got my Harry Potter books from Amazon and got back to reading where I had left off when I borrowed book 2 on the Cape several weeks ago.
I'm now writing this with 34 emails to follow up on and a bazillion things to do. You can see where my priorities lie. I also have the door shut, my space heater on, and I'm contemplating looking on the Starbucks Web site to pick out a new drink to go get at lunch to keep warm.
Any suggestions? I'm tired of lattes.
14 September 2007
We found a house we both really, really like. We can see ourselves and our phantom family living there.
I have become borderline obsessed.
Bub has been doing and redoing and doing again (only to do again) our numbers. We've budgeted every item down to the expensive shampo0 and waxing appointments.
Being a grownup sucks.
We may have to walk away from this one. It could be the right thing to do financially when you already have a mortgage to pay and all the other bills that come with this thing called your life.
But what ever happened to that line your teachers, your parents, your friends, and even those bumper stickers said when you were in predicaments like this?
Where there's a will, there's a way.
Let there be a way.
12 September 2007
Yesterday, I purchased these:
For some reason finding clothes for the warmer months is easier than finding outfits for the colder weather. Maybe it's the layering and, therefore, the need to have more clothing, but I feel like my cute summer look goes to blah once the leaves change.
Making the annual trek to Frankfurt each autumn is a good reason to shop since everyone who attends the work event wears to-die-for ensembles. Even their hosiery is impressive.
Why, then, can't shopping be my full-time job?
And I just remembered that the black top wasn't my first purchase at all. I have a blue cardigan on the way that I completely forgot about!
10 September 2007
Me? I must be bored, but I've had it here. And because I've posted pics of myself and feel all paranoid, I'll keep my big mouth shut.
I'm either totally PMSing or way annoyed. I had a chocolate frosted donut this morning too. Despite me feeling the cellulite growing at an alarming rate, I should have enjoyed it way more given that it was the only bright part of my morning outside of reading some funny posts, emails, and remembering that I'm in an office now and can shut the door.
I'd be happy to trade places with Britney Spears, however. I can take her millions and make my hair look 100% better than hers, love my kids, not use drugs, and actually look like I'm having fun on stage. I mean, what gives?
07 September 2007
I've just arrived home with the promise of a weekend not fully booked. Of course, the time gets eaten up by something, whether it be have-to-do's or should-do's or a few fun things that steal the time.
I'm still on a Harry Potter kick and I had hoped that the books I ordered earlier this week would have arrived by now. There are plenty of other things I could read, including the book Bub really wants me to, but for some reason I can't get into it just yet. I fear I'll forget what I need to know about Harry in order to continue onto the next part of the story. Silly, I know.
I've been telling people today to brave the heat and stay cool. Although summer is only here until later this month (sadly), after Labor Day I take a double-take at the clothes and shoes people don because, well, it's not summer officially in my book unless it's the months of June, July, and August.
I'll miss the heat, the sigh of relief that I breathe upon leaving the office as I thaw from the generic, stale air-conditioning which leaves a film of morgue proportions on my skin and changes my fingers to a pale purple (it is true).
But with fall comes mystery. As we prepare to step out into chillier nights and darker skies after long days in front of the screen's glow, I recall the fall and all its promise when at college. Pledging for the sorority, blindfolds, drinking from cheap wine bottles while screaming the fight song.
The same crisp air stays with me well into the autumn and early winter seasons. But when winter comes hard, the mystery is gone. All that's left is shivering, bone-chilling, discomfort.
And sometimes snow.
04 September 2007
On Friday, before being let out of work early (yay!), I opened a fresh word doc to pour all my career options if I were to become prego or if I were to wait. Here's the list in no particular order:
Prego/Have Child NOW:
Going back to work at current job part or full time
Finding a new full/part time job here
Finding a new full/part time job there—move (London?)
Going to school—MFA—teaching?
Applying to law school again?
Opening a business
Staying at home full time; screw work
Moving with family and stay at home
WAIT (do not get prego):
Continuing working at current job
Finding a new job here
Moving, finding a new job there
Opening a business
Applying to school—MFA—teaching?
Applying to law school again
My gut reactions are that I don't want to go to law school. I don't know what my business would be and therefore could not open it, but the bakery idea sounds like it could be it.
I like the idea of writing at home while taking care of little Nora or Curtis...
Part of me just wants to see how it goes--why should I know 100% what I'm going to do? That would just jinx it, right?
So...I took out a pad of paper and started making a list of lifetime goals with Bub on Saturday morning. The list looked sort of like this but had a Courtney/Bub column. And we didn't stop at career, we put down how many kids we think we want, where we think we want our vacation house to be, and yes, at what ages we hope to conceive so as plan out our parenting life.
Last week I talked to my old college roommate who is due to give birth any day now. When I asked her if she was ready and how she knew she said that she wanted to get her masters, yes, that she wanted to work full time even. But that holding her son in her arms was so much more exciting and fantastic an idea when it came down to comparing that to a cold degree sitting in a frame over her desk.
Ladies and gentlemen (or invisible readers anywhere). I think I have successfully planned out how things will look in the future. Though I'm not a mother today, I have heard the words that have been spoken several times to me now: No matter how much you plan for things, things are never quite as they seem and go according to plan. Be open minded.
Now that I've peeled away the anxiety of being in a small condo, being five years out of school, wanting to do so much in life and how and if and when I'll do those things as a parent, too, I'm left with the feelings of concrete and raw "How do you know?" How do you know when you're ready to be a parent, ready to start seriously trying? Ready. Ready. Ready. Should you have read a book about it? Had an epiphany? What?
I get the ovaries humming sensation when I see an adorable baby, wave back at the little girl across the street, say goodbye to the cute little boy I just met at a get together with friends, but I do not get this feeling with every baby and toddler.
I'm terrified. And that's what I'm most anxious about.
So for anyone who's a parent who ever sees this post, please share with me how you know.
Despite my anxiety about this subject in earlier posts, I am truly doing better and feeling like I'm close to knowing how I feel. The terrified part remains...what if I'm not smart enough? Know enough? What if I'm too young, too immature? What if I'm not fun enough? What if? What if?
Someone please tell me something. Tell me anything, even if it's that I'll miss red wine too much while carrying my unborn child or that I shouldn't think I'm too young because hello? I've known my husband 6 years, been married for over 1, and he's ready and I want to be, too.
Please don't judge me. I'm just trying to figure this out.
27 August 2007
26 August 2007
I'm pretty sure I explained in an earlier post that someone told me that it's about putting off a certain path (school and anything else), and not thinking that the path is not possible after I become a mother.
I have learned that I can look past the issue of having a bigger space in that we've been searching for a new home for a while now, albeit in some form: looking online, somewhat actively looking (driving by houses), very actively looking (attending open houses), and I know that when the right place comes along on the right tree-lined street in the calm, country suburb or within walking distance to the city, we'll be better for it. But for now, redoing some of our kitchen with fresh paint and countertops and assessing what projects we want to do next for the new tenants or for the time being, is okay. I can feel good about that.
Bub and I have known each other six years. I've come to this comfortable lull of work where my my routine, it exists. Is it the perfect, mind-blowing dream job? No, but I don't know what that job is, so if I were to search for it, I'm not sure I could. There are so many ways to go when it comes to life. I always talk about opening up that bakery, and just two short years ago I thought I would be planning for law school. Now? i'm thinking MFA's, freelance, moving to another place, and the list goes on and on.
For others, their 20's are for them. They want to travel. They feel like babies are aliens and they don't get it. I don't get it.
I don't easily let my dreams die. And whether they come true before or after I have children, they'll still thrive in my core.
Being a parent is a path to choose and it opens doors and doesn't necessarily close them. School, tuition bills, opening my own business and the stresses of wondering if it will survive can all exist, so can relocation to another part of the world, but for now, as a 27-year-old woman, what is right? What is selfish? What is next? And what am I waiting for, exaclty? I'm excited to find out.
So to the little boy we met yesterday at Bub's birthday BBQ (no German chocolate cake was made; more on that later), I could take you home and love you as if you were my own because you loved life more than everyone else there. And we'll remember your smile when we think about that night and how the future holds so much for the parents that Bub and I hope to be.
24 August 2007
I went to the grocery store in hopes of getting what I needed for said cake, but should have planned ahead because I couldn't recall what we already had in the house. That on top of the fact that we're in desperate need of regular non-cake related items had me thinking that it's not to be avoided; I'll need to go to the grocery store in the early a.m., hopefully after or before a trip to the gym since hi, I haven't been in almost three weeks. EEEEEEK. Feeling guilty? Scarily, no. I'm making up for it by not eating much and having wine for dinner.
Since my lunch plan to go get groceries failed, I hit Starbucks for a piece of reduced-fat coffee cake and an iced non-fat latte (can't they just say "skim latte"?) for lunch. Then I fit in a trip to a nail place literally 2 seconds from my office to get a polish change for my toes.
I had heard good things about the place or mostly non-bad things about it from my co-workers. I just wanted the quick change because my French pedi had gone to hell and I was wearing sandals (because it's a bazillion degrees out) and would be tomorrow and my toes were scary. I have this thing about wearing sandals when toes are not in at least "good" condition, if not freshly painted and in excellent shape. I know, I'm a high-maintenance nails person or H-MNP. So I went and picked out my color and marveled at how I'm so great to fit this into my lunch hour and was not paying a ton for fancy shmancy pedi (if I had more time, I probably would have just had the whole kit and caboodle).
So Mr. Polish takes me down to a chair to change my French into My Chihuahua Bites! when I saw three little girls sitting in chairs all having just finished with their pedis.
By the time I got done and went to dry my toes, the three girls had migrated over to the drying area too, and I came to sit across one of the blonde girls. They couldn't have been more than 10. Not triplets, but maybe. Their mother was getting a French manicure. She was very good with them, keeping her eye on things while chatting up another Mr. Polish.
The little girl who sat across from me made eye contact so I smiled. I couldn't see her mouth because she was so short, but she smiled back at least with her eyes. After they were done drying, they were wandering around, waiting for mom. The girl who had sat across from me looked like she might be a cheerleader when she was older. Cute little yellow skirt with matching tank top. Long straight blonde hair and bangs. She loved to have fun; it was apparent.
Another girl had the curly-crazy blonde hair. She might be the tom-boy, sporty girl. She had on her cute little girl clothes and big girl sandals. They really were big girl because they looked like hand-me-downs that had been worn a little but ones which she had not yet grown into. Being a little wild-child (I'm not sure she was, but from appearance, I think she could be), I don't think she cared what she looked like.
Then there was the third girl. AKA the girl who resembled me. Short bob 'do. A bit haute couture for a girl that age (not that I was haute couture, but I was the girl who had short hair at that age out of my friends and sister, although brunette) and then she turns and yes, the glasses. She was the only one of the three with the glasses. She was wearing what I would have worn: Birkenstock sandals just like Mom bought me and jean shorts. From what I witnessed, she was quieter and more withdrawn.
I wondered at what age the woman had her kids. She seemed happy, not that old, and really with it as a parent. She was already figuring out with one of her kids what her daughter would wear on Halloween and telling her not to stress; she had a couple of months! It was still August!
And I was jealous of this mom who could go get her nails done with her girls. Another summer Friday, another day carrying on. Being a parent. No cares about MFA's, work, not going to the gym...
I finished first. My toes were done and I had to be back to work (so that I could write this post) and that family could be left to their own devices. Swimming pools, sunshine, growing up together.
*No, I don't have a chihuahua.
21 August 2007
While we were at the christening, Bub's 25-year-old cousin blurted out: So are you planning on having kids in the future? The room went silent. I was like oh, my, god. What the f? I managed to mumble something like: Yeah, we're going to have a family, we just don't know when.
Can you say pressure? The woman who does my nails, the receptionist at the dentist, and a random woman I met while I was away for work all asked me, Any babies yet? Is it really your business?
I have a to-do list before I go using a stroller. I want to be in a bigger home (a house) since our 1-bed isn't exactly the most ideal place to put things like a crib, changing area, baby clothes (where we'd put those, I don't know--under the bed is already taken), baby stroller/carrier, toys, and so on. I want to paint a nursery, hang a mobile, pick out our rocker and place it just so in the baby's room.
However, a few people, including one friend who has two kids, told me it can be done in our space, our 1-bed condo. Solicited advice? No. Another friend says that the year of the pig (2007) is better than next year (year of the mouse) to conceive and so we should think about trying later this year.
That discussion took place in a public bathroom. Again, advice not solicited.
My other to-do item is to figure out school. What does that mean? Figure. Out. School. Figure out what??
Someone told me that I'm thinking as if I cannot do anything once the baby is born. Instead, I've learned that I'm really feeling that I don't want to do such and such after I have a baby because I won't want to. The motivation will die. The baby will be my universe. Normal, right? Well, in that case, I want to prepare and do all I can now. Pre-baby belly.
I really feel that it's time to assess what the next step is for my career/education/future. As much as I can see myself enjoying staying home and being with a kid, I'd like to stay connected with a world where I feel that I know something, can be good at it, and perhaps do it from my home so as to have both. I think I sound selfish, I know. Bub, I'm sorry!
It's a lot of money, grad school. But I feel like if I put it off, I won't do it. But it's taken me 5 years to get to this point of knowing I want to do something. To be challenged. (Hello and goodbye law school!)
Words and books and reading and writing. Those things I have a connection to in some way. I was the English major, the girl who wrote on random pieces of paper and napkins to get stuff out. The girl who had journals and diaries. The girl who loved to feel moved by words and to be gripped late into the night and (not recently) early in the morning, before brushing my teeth. It was a friend, the story, you went inside and felt what the characters felt.
But can I do it? One program I'm looking at taunts me with the long papers, longer bibliographies, and endless reading. I got my degree in English; why is scaring me? It does.
And then there's part of me that says, why wait to start trying? Bub is older and we don't have to wait for anything. Things will fall as they may and work themselves out. But I don't want regret. I fear it. And I fear I'll be upset if I don't have these items planned out in advance...which begs the question: How do you know when you're ready? Do you feel it? I see strangers' children and I feel all tingly. I held little James Patrick and yes, he's cute, but I was even more confused about what to want and when.
So this is the debate I have. And sure, if we had a baby today, I'd be OK. We'd be OK. But after seeing Bub's cousins (not the one who has the baby), but the young ones who are just starting to figure out what they want to major in in college, where they want to work now that they've graduated college, and what schools they'll apply to once they've finished senior year, I sort of want to go back only to have time to decide all over again.
20 August 2007
We were on the Cape with the in-laws and to the christening of Bub's cousin's little boy, James Patrick. He is adorable! It was trying at times being immersed in so much of Bub's family in a concentrated time period and I should be a pro at this since Bub and I have been together for a while now, but I just seem to get so cranky. I really do need some space which I was able to get on the beach with my shuffle and with some Harry Potter. Yes, I'm slow to join all those that have enjoyed the phenomenon that is Harry Potter.
I'm feeling a bit better than I was last week. The flowers Bub sent survived the weekend while I was away and couldn't bring them home since we left straight from work to go away. My car is having surgery as I write this. Well, OK, I don't know about that. But I have the rental car that smells a bit like dog and I've bid my car a big goodbye while it gets some work done. In addition, we are going to see if we can get 1-2 other little imperfections fixed I was OK to live with since they're rather minor, but since I'm now having real work done, I may as well get my Acura baby all gussied up!
I'm strangely sort of *happy*? Wait, that's not right. OK. Yes, I'm OK to be here at work. The office is still heavenly in all its remoteness from the boss. I have a million emails and a ton to do from being out only 1.5 days, but a voicemail from a new contact at an organization we've been working with for a while gives me a sense of renewed hope since the woman who I thought was going to be my contact has given me every reason to find her snobby, stuck-up, and just plain rude. Doesn't return phone calls, emails, and bails on an IN PERSON meeting. Yes, it's true.
I still have a bunch of emails left waiting--some that could break the otherwise OK (happy?) mood I'm in.
My guy's birthday is Saturday. My parents' wedding anniversary is then, too. The eyebrows need help.
It's Monday. I'm ready for a good week. (Knock on wood.)
15 August 2007
Thank you guys for making me feel better. Apparently good things happen when you scrape your car:
You get flowers sent to work to surprise you coming back from the collision center.
They're from my loving and supportive (what scrape? that's NOTHING--so tiny!) husband.
You get a "Don't worry--at least nothing happened to you" pep talk from Mom.
When I had told a couple people at work what happened and Bub already knew, I called my Dad, but when he's in a meeting and says he'll call you back you think you ARE an adult and you CAN act mature. But when he doesn't call back you wonder, what was I going to say? Poor me? So when I talked to my mom later in the day and Dad was out, he called me back when he got home and said "Courtney, that's why they're called accidents."
I woke up depressed. Really, I do need to get a grip.
Oh, and Kwarterlifecrisis? Where did your blog go to? I was looking to read something to make me laugh and it says it's been deleted?! Please share...why? How? Why? Or is my link to it just dumb?
14 August 2007
The nauseous feeling.
The pissed off.
The really, really, fucking pissed off.
I fucked up my car today.
OK, fucked up is maybe too harsh for what happened.
It's still driveable.
I can still walk.
I hit no one.
I hit no other car.
I fucking hit the corner.
The corner you say?
The corner of a pole.
I do a 3- point turn to get into our assigned space behind home.
It's covered--we appreciate not having to shovel snow or get drenched in the rain.
It's near the trash. We don't likey.
And it's sandwiched between some lady who parks horrendously (is afraid of the CORNER of the pole touching her car--now I see why).
And a beautiful brand new beam-ma-ma.
And so I back out of the spot and do a 3-point turn to depart.
I'm used to this.
It's been years.
And so. I back up. And there are 2 beam-ma-ma's behind us. I always hope nothing ever happens to their cars. I take care in backing up.
Lately? I haven't been paying super close attention to backing up. I can feel that it's been enough time to cut the wheel. I realize this is unacceptable and I remind myself of that today.
I did NOT back into their cars. Instead, while in my head, I decided to look ahead, look straight ahead at the right hand turn I would take for the umpteenth time.
Off to the collision repair shop at lunch I go.
Fighting back tears, I call them on my way to work.
I'm the girl who opened the glove compartment at the light I would turn left at for the umpteenth time, searching. I had tons of papers from past trips to the dealer. I was the girl in a rage trying to find it.
The yellow sticky slick car dude who escorts me to my serviced car at the dealer many times gave me when I squawked at the ding. The DING that I had made with the end of an umbrella putting it into the trunk.
The sticky that now taunts me.
I call the number. Tears are burning the back of my throat.
Get it together, I tell myself.
Get it together.
Jessica, she says her name is.
JESSICA! I need to come in--appointment--car. SCRAPE.
No appointment needed.
I ask if I can come at lunch.
I ask if they're going to order shiny new somethings for my car.
I ask to come at lunch.
She wants me to stop talking, to hang up.
I am the girl who honked at you when you didn't put a blinker on in a bottle neck and debated whehter or not a trip to Dunkin Donuts was better than driving properly. I honked and then laughed at myself.
They will stare and see maniac driver. Maniac driver with a wheel well and 1/2 a passenger door scraped. A small piece of metal mangled.
I looked so quickly. Maybe it's not bad. Maybe.
I turn my right side mirror down. I can't see anything. Is it supposed to look like that?
I pull into the parking lot at work. I park in the last row. I will not wear my shame publicly unless it's to the strangers that pass me on the highway, the backroads, those that will see the car in our space at home.
I park and I sit and then I go face the disaster.
Get a grip. It's not Cancer.
But it will be expensive.
10 August 2007
Yes, I'm in my brand new office. Well, it's not quite brand new as it was an office for the person who used it before me, but let me tell you that this is such an accomplishment for me. If only a promotion or even a raise accompanied such a move, it would be perfect. You never know.
You see, when I started working here just a little over two years ago, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that we would receive our own laptop to be upgraded every so often so as to stay on track with the latest models. I was so excited by this as that that begged the question: can I work from home and not come into the office? I can take this wherever I wish and yada, yada, yada.
Then I was shown where I was to work with my shiny new laptop and I was so anxious to see which office I would get as the whole department was a series of window and windowless separations for hard work and conference calls. Except, I was lead down a hall to a table similar to ones used for a bake sale. A few office supplies sat and a chair was nearby, too.
The conditions were not even up to par for a temp or intern; what the hell was going on?
Little did I remember of the small talk I made during one of my interviews. It came back to me: renovations, new offices, and furniture. Moving to another area. Yada, yada, yada.
We moved to a series of cubes while the renovation took place. And the bottom line? I was given a cube in a sea of offices. Sure, there were other cubes around in other departments. And three. Not one, but THREE offices were vacant for at least six months in our department as I was told no, these were for managers--more senior level people. Um, my title has manager in it.
So my boss tells me that she's doing what she can to get me an office (this is after I've been in the cube well over a year). Great. Where was she going to stick me now that there were no vacant offices? I had just as many conference calls as her which was fun when I was trying to hear and had everyone communing in the hall (right by my DESK) to chat about the upcoming weekend, Red Sox game, you name it. So that all ended quickly; I soon took all important scheduled calls to the (you guessed it) conference room.
But then something happened! We acquired another company. Changes. And I hear that someone is going to switch their job within the company and be working remotely permanently.
That was leaked to me two months ago. After a ton of "When do you think you'll be moving your stuff out?" I'm now here. Finally.
And now it's me who can shut it all out: conference calls other people are on, my boss beckoning me to come into her office, people socializing, with a turn of the knob and the closing of my door.