I wanted to write last night, but the adrenaline ran out and I was left exhausted, but elated.

The rehearsal made today seem all the more real. It went smoothly and I felt great. Not only were loved ones starting to pop up in the area, here they were in the church I went to growing up, waiting for further instruction on how to process in, where to sit, stand and so forth.

It's been a busy 11 months. And an even busier past few days. The computer and refrigerator hums make it all the more ordinary--just another Saturday. My dad joked with me last night: "Big plans tomorrow?" I replied with "Not really; maybe I'll catch a movie."

To some this is any other day, but for me this is the first taste of married life, this is me giving my complete self before loving witnesses to my soul mate. And although I'm not too sure about the term 'soul mate' it's because Hallmark likes to make money off it.

Seriously though, I can't imagine not being with bub. Not because he's been in my life for five years and a day. It's because we've worked hard on our relationship, on our laughter and tears, on our smiles and bad days, and on our love for one another.

It is work; whoever said that relationships are, is right. But I believe that's because we are always changing--day to day, month to month, year to year. And although that's all fine and well, when your love withstands these changes, you know you've found something really special, someone really special to give your heart to.

My advice to the cyberworld readers, if there are any is simple: never let go of the fuzzies you feel when you meet someone; the feeling can and has the potential to last an eternity.

-ripe

Trying to feel

I've been asked more and more about my excitement about the event that will occur in just 4 days. And more and more I feel forced about what I reply with: Yeah! Of course! Very excited! And by replying with these words, I've lost sight of how I really feel.

But I'm not feeling anything except for what I have left to do, how I should feel, and I'm getting worried that I'm not excited enough at this very moment.

Bub tells me it will come and don't get me wrong, I get these bursts of excitement when I'm in my car and I just sort of yell. Or I'll be sitting at my desk and think I'M GETTING MARRIED!

I guess I don't believe it. I guess I've been waiting so long and trying to remedy my lines that I haven't had time to think that there's a whole weekend coming up.

I'll be ready for it. I promise!

stuff

bub is in the other room cooling off after we got caught in the heat.

the computer is sort of loud but i'm appreciating the cool a/c that we are so spoiled to have on all the time.

i just confirmed with the last of our ceremony musicians. she wished me good luck this week and i giggled.

i'm feeling bummed that i missed a friend's birthday party last night due to a final fitting which wasn't final. the bustle wasn't finished and we have to go back for another fitting before picking up the dress. i'm such a perfectionist. sorry i missed it daily editor!

i have chips and salsa crumbs on my tongue and i'm exhausted. i laid out in the sun today to get some natural color to blend in with my old burn/tan lines. this will be the death of me if i don't find a way to magically whip up my skin.

i cannot even believe that my wedding is this week.

i've never worked so hard on martha stewart type projects, researched so many vendors, ideas and juggled a zillion details all for one of the most special days a couple can have. i've worked hard on things like a college degree and interviewing for a new job but this is a different preparation a different milestone.

this is me giving my complete self to someone who was once a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend and boyfriend, and now a partner for life, my love.

i'm not going to sleep all week, i just know it!

a most personal experience

so. the alarm sounds and i wake thinking my god, i fell asleep without brushing my teeth or washing my face.

we had sushi last night--a really nice non-wedding night and surprisingly a non-wedding conversation was had. not that we're not excited about the fact that we'll be saying our vows in a week and a few hours, but our lives have been saturated with all the planning and anticipation that it's nice to have a breather.

i enjoyed myself despite the canker sore i have which spawns most of my right upper lip. ewww, gross. it is healing, however. that didn't matter to my coworkers who kept at it with the jokes about how i wasn't moving the right side of my mouth while talking. bastards.

so i figured okay--i have some tan lines, a canker sore, and now possibly a new zit forming from my lack of washing the old visage last night. great. but i can think about all those things and even concentrate on the canker sore pain--since this morning i'm going to bare it down there for my first brazilian wax experience.

that's right. i'm living proof that the most scared, cowardly, baby can do this.

i made it through.

i filled out a form which asked questions like "is this your first experience? we don't recommend that if the area has been sunburned, etc. that you get treatment". on the top of the "have you taken these medications?" list was accutane, a drug i took in college which thins out your skin and although it cleared up my skin, it's been in the news as a not so great side effects drug (read: suicide, back and head pain, if you get pregnant, your children will be deformed--no joke--type of drug). so after checking off the accutane box i wondered if they were going to send me home, but instead this tall blond woman who was their poster lady for one of their products line assured me i'd be walking out in fine condition but that it may hurt only DURING the process. Um, ok. I don't get that I pay $70 plus tip to be inflicted with pain, but I DID make the appointment.

The receptionist called out these parting words as I stepped into the waxing room: "I'm sure you've been through worse!" Yeahhh....right.

So I was instructed to strip from waist down and put my head on the table like so so that if someone accidentally walked in on me, there I would be, spread eagle. Great! So I started second guessing her instructions when she came in and I realized my God, this woman is not my doctor or Bub or ME--a complete stranger is going to start messing around down there with wax.

So the short of it is that the wax was hot and the ripping was more tender in some areas. The thing that was most disconcerting is that about 5-10 rips in, I wondered when the f this was going to end. She was really nice, tried to make wedding conversation and I tried to return the favor and make small talk with her. Anything was better than the flinching, sweaty palms thing I was doing to keep from thinking about how I must look...down there.

Then I got the "Do you want me to do the back?"

What?!

UM...I told her I had no clue what that meant. I got a blank expression and then a well, there's hair down in back (read: VERY close to your BUTT) so I was like ummmm and that's what I said "ummmm" and she said it's part of the price and you may as well. So there I am, butt in plain view and at that point I was a pro.

I didn't even flinch.

13 days

Less than two weeks to go, folks...The countdown continues. I feel like the wedding is still distant, still a month or more away. I know this isn't true. I know it. I have told people numerous times when it is and I get oohs and ahhs over how close the big day is. I get emails from friends wondering how I feel. Am I ready? Am I nervous? What is it like? And I would like to tell you as plain as can be what it's like:

But I can't. My mind is a whirlwind on figuring out how to finish programs, waiting for the rest of the favor materials to come in so I can put them together, determining where one gets children's jewelry and other wedding party gifts. I stay up late thinking about what other things I need to do, I wake up early with the same thoughts.

When I figure out the above and finish a bunch of other little details, I'll get back to you.

I will say this one thing, when I was at the store yesterday paying for a new pair of capris I wanted to reach over to the unassuming cashier and scream I'M GETTING MARRIED IN TWO WEEKS! But I thought better of it and swiped my card, signed, took my bag and went on my way.

I'm trying not to rush.

Yesterday, I did my usual guilt trip/bug Bub session as we still had a number of items pertaining to the ceremony to figure out.

When we made progress--when we finished almost all of what needed decision making, I thought: wow, I feel like I just rushed us through that.

Bub kindly pointed out that we had revisited the little ceremony booklet to choose readings and excerpts about four times. I felt better, but couldn't help but think that we'll never pick readings out for a ceremony tailored just for us again. We'll never choose cake flavors that we'll cut with specific cake cutting knives and servers just for us and our reception party. First dances will not be selected again, only second, third, and fourth ones until we're old and gray and at our kids' weddings.

All of this wedding talk, decision-making, and buzz has seriously gone straight to my head. On top of it all, I've added other outside stress, non-wedding related. Bub assures me I need to cover all my areas, check out all opportunities before passing them by. But why do I feel the need to handle this extra stress now? Because that's my personality: get it done, out of the way, cross it off the list.

Some day, I'm going to wish I still had a list of things to cross off and not merely a feeling of "It's done" in my heart.

I'm getting married this month and I know I'll have wedding blues after the day is over. But that won't compare to the man I will have married and the prospect of many wonderful years together.

If only I could feel excited about doing laundry and going to the gym.