Update

Thank God it's Friday tomorrow.

I had a phone interview tonight and honestly, I'm so tired of shaping and selling myself to people, trying to fit myself into a mold of perfection for any given opportunity. I'm tired and no, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. That was the interviewer's ONE of TWO questions he asked me. He also told me his age, how old his youngest daughter was and my brain, as dense as it can be, made me think: Is this going to be another one of those jobs I have where it closes down in two seconds and therefore my cover letter to new, prospective employers will need to have not one but two "built-in" ways of explaining in as few words as possible that I can hold--and keep--a job, but that it's the damn city of Boston that doesn't know how to keep their leases low enough so that little book publishing operations can survive?

I doubted my skills on the phone. "Well, I'm not sure I'm hearing that you can DO this?" I'm like come on! I'm 5 years out of school and I've breathed on more children's books than edited them. I'm told the fact that they're kids books doesn't matter--what about my editing in general??? Um, if you're a kids publisher, I think kids books and editing them matters. I don't want to be wishy-washy, but I don't want to lie. I just want to be. Me. And I'm so wrapped up in what I think people are going to think or did or do think of my skills that I don't know what the truth is. And therefore, I can't project it. Not without a few drinks anyway. Just kidding. What if they read this? What if they find this post??

I have an in-person interview on Monday. Black suit: be ready.

My Thanksgiving Weekend So Far

We were allowed to leave the office at 2pm on Wednesday.

Too bad I have so much hanging over my head there that I felt guilty racing out as I would usually do if I were at any of my other old jobs. I got home about 4 and proceeded in on a laundry frenzy. We have lots of folding to do, but at least I didn't have to wear bathing suit bottoms yesterday, and actually have clean underwear to last me through the weekend.

I need more underwear.

I had a roaring headache on Wednesday night, but I was still able to celebrate bubbly with bub.

It was our 4-month wedding anniversary and even though it's not the 1, 3, or even 6-month mark, it just felt more special because of the pending holiday and that we had time to recognize the anniversary. Usually we're too busy and we just quickly acknowledge that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together several months ago (and still do!) and then kiss and then go back to washing dishes or something.

He bought me long stem light, but intense pink roses.

They are perfect.

I put them in the vase that was one of our centerpiece vases at the reception. It looks like a summer arrangement; I had to cut the roses short to accomodate the large opening of the glass and the roses wanted to tip over because the buds are too heavy for their long stem parts. Anyway. He's so sweet. We enjoyed bubbly from TJ's, a very expensive $5 brand, but it was delicious and actually tasted quite similar to the bubbly they'd serve use right before our first course in Italy. Of course we followed this up with some 6 Feet and well, naturally I passed out on the couch.

Then comes yesterday: roaring cramps and bitchy whines from me and I'm not even out of the bed.

We drag our asses in the pissing rain to the Y. Yes, we were working out on the biggest pig-out day of the year. Good for us! I will meet the at least 3x a week of going to the gym quota. I will do it and then I will increase my quota and work up to running to the gym just like I used to do when I was a young girl (read: 2 years ago).

Then came the fun part. Fun in italics. Fun in quotes. Fun in a sarcastic fun sort of way.

We drove 1.5 hours out to see my mom's side of the family who I am less than thrilled about spending time with. Too much to get into, but you know the feeling when you walk into a party and you say hello to people and then you go to say goodbye to those same people after little or no conversation and the parting words are "so great to see you!"--it's fake, dumb, and outright stupid, right? That was pretty much our day. The restaurant that my uncle picked for us was one where my father spotted a mouse run across the floor, the food was lukewarm and gross, and I left feeling HUNGRY and ANNOYED that everyone gets to dine on leftovers today and I get to eat some brownies I made last night as a result of the PMS and me being bitchy--and of course because I was hungry and wanted SOMETHING that tasted GOOD.

And you may wonder why we ate out on such a holiday. Well, my mother pretty much follows the crowd of her family (fine) and she didn't want my grandmother spending it alone (neither did I). So she decided not to cook (gasp! I LOVE mom's cooking, but she was probably happy not to have to) and so we ended up in a large room needing a makeover--paint, bad smell, etc. with tables that you'd find at a bake sale covered with PAPER tablecloths. Not even enough menus to pass around.

Perhaps I'm being ungrateful (I think if I didn't know me, I would think I sound ungrateful and selfish) but I was embarrassed for my uncle who clearly doesn't understand what eating out means: you pick a place SOMEONE would actually enjoy eating at.

Don't get me wrong, there were some great moments like laughing with my dad and talking to him about how I feel like a well-paid admin in my job and how I want to feel settled and how he said you never really feel settled. He just made me feel better; he usually does. My sister and I joked around. It made for some fun banter. And then there's seeing Bub interact with my family--and those who I can't stand: the uncle who can't pick a good restaurant to save his life and so forth--and he's just downright adorable. The handshakes, him interacting with my cousin who's almost 6.

We capped off the gross-o meal with a trip to Bub's grandfather's. He's 97 and doing well. We just saw him this past weekend so we caught up on the usual: weather, what day it was, more weather, some family stories, before heading home.

And it was good to be home.

Bub has to work 1/2 day today. So for now I'm trying not to eat more brownies and getting ready to head to the gym. Then there will be some trips to the store, not because I am ready to Christmas shop but because I need to scope out what to wear to Christmas parties that are fast approaching. Yes, after yesterday's "holiday" meal, I think I deserve something new and shiny.

Happy Weekend!

Santa Wish List Item #1

So I've been doing some thinking about what I want for Christmas, well, because it's coming up soon.

And I'm obsessed with the idea of mp3's mainly because I don't have an ipod and the closest thing I've ever done with digital music is click on a song that bub purchased from itunes on the computer. I know, I'm like a little granny.

But now that we are back into our gym groove and I'm *going* more, my dinky little arm-band walkman (thanks, sis!) with about 2.1 stations on it (ones that come in without static, that is) and the fact that I didn't even have a discman--and the walkman I retired before my armband radio was true to the walkman form: it was a cassette player, makes me think it's high time I caught up with the 2000 era and get with the program.

My old job allowed me to commute via the train and so many people had their ipods on. I wasn't getting the big deal--what's wrong with reading in silence? Now that I have XM radio in my car--purely because it came with it or else I probably wouldn't have opted to sign up--I can't imagine a measley few stations on the radio with the only other option being to listen to CDs. Perhaps if I had an mp3 player I wouldn't need to think twice about XM; it would be a moot point.

So I'm doing some research into what player I want. I'm sure many would think it's a no-brainer: just get an ipod, but I want to do some research and really understand what it is that I'm starting to obsess about...

Last night

Last night after I wrote in this thing I curled up with bub and we watched House. We propped up the new pillows I purchased last week which are soft to touch and a nice warm khaki color (which is neutral by my standards since we have lots of colors going on in our home). It was warm under the covers and a very nice way to wind down the day. We shut out the lights and I heard bub's snoring before I could count to 20. I hate it when he falls asleep first; it makes me feel like I'm the last one to dream and I fear that I won't be able to drift off on my own due to the...um...noise. But alas, I did.

And then, at an hour that I learned to be around 1am and not 6am, though I was sure my alarm would sound at any moment, I heard a pounding. My heart started soaring. I feel like I've been on alert ever since I came home one night to find the three units next to ours broken into.

Could I be dreaming? No. Did I really hear something? Yes. Well if I heard something then someone else should hear something. So I listen to hear if bub is stirring and I hear no noise--no snoring, yet I learn later that he was fast asleep. He was so easily woken by the second time I called out his name. Maybe it's because I yelled it.

And it was either our bedroom door being shut or the grogginess of sleep but the noise-maker made not a loud, sharp pounding on a door, but a muffled pounding noise. After I called out to bub he woke and we waited to hear the noise again. There was indeed someone pounding. But was it on our door?

I played the part of scared girl. I needed protection. I felt pathetic. I told bub that I was scared and proceeded to pull the covers tightly around me. I couldn't see what he was doing but I heard him spring to action. Then I heard him fling open the door. Then there was a pause that seemed to last forever; I thought my god, the intruder is going to push past bub and come get me!

Instead, I heard...conversation. I think: Is this some drunk student who has lost his way? I was annoyed. But then I hear typical bub being polite and then hear him saying: Thank you. Thank you. What??

I can sort of see bub in his bathrobe pulled tightly around him when he returns to the bedroom. He is my hero and I await the news as to why someone is pounding on our door at the late hour that it was.

Our neighbor is the pounder. Bub thanked him since our neighbor only felt it important to inform us that our keys were still in the door. And instead of allowing them to remain in the lock for an actual intruder to come get us (!), he thought that pounding on the door at this late hour was the best solution.

I am so glad that our neighbor is not a psychopath.

It's been a pretty good Monday.

Despite the rain and the one long, neverending traffic light which, depending on what sort of day the world is having, cooperates or shits on your commute, it's what made me stroll in to work 10 minutes later than I should have which in turn required me to stay later. Fine.

We discovered what the crowd is like at our new gym tonight. It semi-blows. I mean so many people are there, motivated to shed calories or bulk up. On nights that are so rainy I prefer a glass of red and some Six Feet Under. But since Netflix hasn't yet made the next delivery and since there have been a few too many rainy week nights spent inside and since I finally caught up with those pounds I lost for the wedding, I figured it best that I be a bit more productive with my time.

That's what's being an adult is about, right?

Today we also found out some sort of scary news regarding the health of a family member. That's all I'll say for now as we want to know more before coming to terms with it. But I sincerely hope everything is okay. There are alot of strong and tough people out there. I like to think that I'm one but this person is even more of one, if that makes any sense.

Be well.

Fastforward: I'm drinking a second glass of Shiraz after I vowed this morning not to consume anything alcoholic for a while. Oh well. Not my fault that the beer I drank last night was nothing special and so therefore the need to makeup for it now. Not that the wine is anything stellar; it was on sale. It's decent.

Anyway. I made chili from a new recipe that requires not that much chopping and very little prep work. I enjoy prepping a little, but after a few veggies I get bored, tired and pretty much cranky that my meal isn't even close to ready because I haven't even cooked anything yet.

But so yeah. The chili came out flavorful, spicy, and down right hearty. It's one of those meals that perks up the cool days (not that we've had many of those...yet) and stays for a while in the tummy. But you see I think I made the chili more as comfort food not from the cold, but from having to deal with yet another fast-approaching work week.

Cheers.

I stayed in bed just a little longer this morning not because I had too many drinks last night or because I didn't want to realize the little headache I had might be bigger. I just laid around because I could.

I just finished my Trader Joe's chocolate yogurt. They call it something like "cocoa" whatever but to me it's the closest thing to a dessert one can have while it's still breakfast.

Bub gets into the politics shows on Sunday morning, while I prefer to get myself ready for the gym. We finally settled on one to join. I had been going to an all-women facility which was clean, user-friendly and not that bad distance wise, although the parking was sometimes annoying. But I missed the days when Bub and I used to hit the gym and work out at the same time sometimes copying each other on the machines. We'd separate and I'd do an elliptical while he ran and then if he finished first he'd come to my machine and start moving on the one next to me. And vice versa. We'd count out reps for one another while doing weights. But most times we'd do our own thing and give each other the nod or hand to show we're just about ready to get the heck out of there!

So we are newly joined members of our local Y. We joined for a month at another gym which had been built up by Bub's friend as a great facility. It was more than my last membership at the all-women's gym! The locker rooms were scary and we kept asking each other: Just why is this gym so much money? Clearly it's not because they're upgrading their old TVs, locker rooms, or anything like that.

So the almost new Y will work just fine for us. When we were signing the family plan paperwork yesterday I couldn't help but think how weird timing is sometimes; I have this suspicious feeling that we'll find a house and move and have to find another gym whose locker rooms we'll need to inspect.

And so I'm getting ready to put my gym clothes on--or should I begin to search the open house listings? Either way, I'm watching channel 2. Rick Steves is on talking about Positano, Capri, Sorrento--the Amalfi Coast, better known as the paradise we visited after we said "I do"...

And as I look outside at the drizzly day I wonder how we are so far both literally and figuratively from a life that people live daily amidst beauty and of course, the most delicious food.

Happy 2nd half of the weekend.

Us

So, we're Mr. & Mrs. and we're trying to put the finishing touches on our albums. Whee!

The parents ones are due tomorrow so that we have them in time to give at Christmas. Our final album will be created soon thereafter. It's really much harder than I thought it would be--these are photos that you want to choose just right since our kids and grandkids and even strangers could see. I just got our announcement into the paper of the town where I grew up which is what this photo was used for. We have yet to do that for bub. Oh bub is right there, below! Isn't he something?

Right now I have an amazing online album from our photographers which was truly a surprise because we only expected them to post photos online and that's it. But in addition they took some photos and created layouts and set it to this slow, soft, repetitive instrumental music. It's really silly but I get emotional when looking at it. Wait, that's not really silly, is it?

So I've seen the photos numerous times and now bub is weighing in. It'll be worth it in the end--the constant back and forth on selections, the hefty prices we have to pay for these. We are trying to preserve memories here. We can't go back in time.

Things that annoy me

Just some things I need to get off my chest and further keep me from my responsibilities at work:

When you turn left at a traffic light after your light has turned red--it's no longer your turn to go left! Let other people move when the light is green.
When you bump into me and do not say or acknowledge that you have touched me without permission and don't excuse yourself.
When you litter because it's too hard to throw things away properly.
When you lie.
When you don't ask you about how I am or how my weekend was, etc, after I took the time to ask you.
When you don't say hello after I have or at least smile.
When you eat with your mouth open, cough, sneeze, and so forth without any regard for others. Thanks.
When you talk over me while I am talking after I have listened to you talk.
When you get so caught up in materialistic items that you don't understand the actions of others and what they truly mean. You just want to compete and feel important. Ugh. How come you can't see this!?
When you are fake.

Driftee

It's sad when you feel certain people in your life are drifting away. Sometimes you don't know which fight to fight and which drifter to let go. I find this happening with a few people that I know from various stages of my life. One is a high school friend who I know loves and cares for me and I for her yet I feel that it's harder to stay connected than it is to remember the memories which remind us why we are friends (or were friends) in the first place.

I know that drifters are a part of life but it upsets me when certain friends drift due to the extreme measures it takes to be included in their schedule, life, circle of friends. It's even worse when a significant other becomes the focal point of their lives and friends are an after thought.

Drifters and significant others being the focal point of a friend's life are not new concepts by any means. I deal with the fact that I have been the drifter and not just the driftee and that I, too, have put my friends second when I first started dating bub.

Perhaps I'm more mature, a married woman now; or, perhaps I hold greater the value of friends because I feel that in any of life's uncertainties you want to feel surrounded by a secure, loving group of people and that the love of one person, though it may feel like it's all you need, may not be. And do not get me wrong, if I only had the love of my husband, I would most certainly feel lucky--and I do--but I'm just trying to make a point about friends here, so bear with me.

So right about now, anyone who stopped to read this may think: whoa, how depressing. But I just don't get why friendships fade like this. And in some of the scenarios I'm experiencing now it could very well be that there's nothing left to say. Or perhaps it's already been said before.

1 year

I meant to write on Halloween. I really did. But lately any spare time is consumed with watching Six Feet Under on DVD. I am really digging the show; I've come to really like Nate, identify with Federico, get irritated wtih Keith (but still think he's cute even if he is gay) and find Ruth to be such a spazz. We're about 1/2 way into the third season and we're lucky that Blockbuster is a short minute's walk down the road although we miss Netflix and have considered rejoining.

I'm at work so this post has to be brief because I have the paranoid "Big Brother is watching" thing going on. But I just wanted to say that it's been a year since I started this mish mash of writing stuff. I'm not necessarily proud of it because I think I can do a whole lot better than writing a bunch of posts which are entitled by variations of the word "quick" and that there's nothing mind-shattering or lovely about my style, if I have one. But as another poster stated somewhere in cyber world which I'm not completely remembering: this place, this space, this screen can sometimes be therapeutic.

For me when I started this a year ago it was my pouring out how excited I was to prepare for my wedding day. And so I look to write about other momentous occasions. For now while the water is fairly calm and things are just busy in general, I look to other bloggers for inspiration and great writing. You help spark the thing in me that reminds me why I love words.