Prego

Hi, I'm not.

But here's how the past two days have turned out:


Yesterday

Co-worker: What are you doing?
Me: Working
Co-worker: Is it a secret?
Me: Sure
Co-worker: Are you pregnant?
Me: Yes
Co-worker: Really? Swear to God?
Me: Yes
Me: I'm going to hell.
Me: Even he knows. (pointing to another nosy co-worker)
Co-worker: Congratulations!
Me: I'm not pregnant.
Co-worker: But you swore to God.
Me: I know.
Me: Go away!


Today

(A different co-worker): Are you pregnant?
Me: Have you been talking to (fill in name of above co-worker)?
Co-worker: No.
Me: I'm not.
Co-worker: Well, I thought because of your shirt...
Me; Oh, yeah, I guess it's flowy.
Co-worker: And you seem to have that bump.
Me; What??!
Co-worker: I mean, you could be 3 months along.
Me: WHAT????!
Me: How long have you thought I was pregnant?
Co-worker: About a month.
Me: Okay...
Co-worker: I've ruined your day--I'm sorry. Laughs.
Me: No, it's okay. I know my belly needs work.
Co-worker: Maybe it's muscle.
Me: Right.

***

Thanks! I feel great about my gut. Glad I work here, too.

Update

I've shared the horror story of today (see above) with others at the office. Mainly to share my shocked feelings, but to see if others think the same about me. I've been told I'm skinny and have a non-existant (someone even said concave) tummy. I'm not sure about that; I could put some butter on this one roll.

I'm also getting a lot of "How are you feeling? Don't lift anything. Have you picked out names?" jokes. I'm suprisingly not too upset but I wonder if you all think I'm a real fatty now.

I would like to think I'm not, but hey, someone I work with thinks I have some exercising to do...

I'm bored

But not like I was at my last job when I surfed the Web for the majority of the day because well, there was absolutely nothing to do--nothing to make myself busy with and my boss was an advocate of keeping me thinking I was busy by doing "research" at the nearby bookstore which turned into looking at books to try and get into law school (hahahahaha!) and trying not to turn my head and look the other way across the street at the people rushing in and out of H&M for cute cheap bobbles.

No, I'm sick of the rut. But it's not the rut that you all describe--or maybe it is. The snoozing of the alarm a bazillion times a morning, just knowing that the extra 30 seconds (or what feels like 30 seconds) of sleep isn't going to help you feel any more rested. It's not the I know I can make it in before 9 or at 9 this morning but when you're drying your hair trying to look good for a Friday (yes, it's FRIDAY! Wahooo!), you think, I can be a few minutes late because I'm not going to have frizzy hair for going out later on tonight!

It's the work.

There's plenty of it.

But I feel like I've done and learned all I can.

And now it's the repetition.

The contracts.

The addenda.

The blah.

The "Hey! We're the greatest company on the Earth so just give us your content and we'll make you rich!" Well, I don't exactly say it like that--as I'm sure you could guess--but I'm sort of trying to disguise what it is I do for fear of my boss finding this : ) Even though there is a photo here and there of me on here : )

So anyway, I just feel burned out. I know I need the ever-important "vacation" but there's nothing here that makes me want to strive to do better--because--as you have heard me say before (or read what I've communicated before) there is no "up" in this job. As a newly created position in a marketing department where--gasp--I do no marketing (which is fine by me because I'm doing what I'd want to do if I had to pick it out of the entire company)--there is no umph, no desire. And with that, I wake up each morning thinking that at 10am I will have a shiny new email from Prospective Employer saying "Hey! We want you!" (because they are one hour behind us hence the email coming at 10) or I will see on my phone that I have a call from "Call"--this is how Prospective Employer's "name" shows up (as "Call"). Or perhaps while I was dragging boxes of books to production there will be a lovely voicemail from Prospective Employer saying "Please, Ripe, give us a call at your convenience."

Then, of course, I would have to wonder if they wanted me to call them back so that they could tell me the position has been filled.

And there's the whole am I putting all my eggs in one basket? UGH! The options for what I want to do here in good old Boston are limited--unless I move--which I am not in the forseeable future, unless of course it's to a house in a cute town in MA : )

It's been 2 weeks since the second interview and almost 3 since the first...One follow up email has been sent as of last Wednesday. Another was sent on Monday.

For now, I'll just have to keep my busy bored self occupied and allow the iced caramel latte to drown out the impatience I'm feeling.

Happy Weekend.

A Few Important Announcements

GD Prospective Employer has still not called and no longer feels the need to reply to my "I know patience is a virtue, but I'm curious--have you filled the position yet?" when I really just want to write "I know patience is a virtue, but how the fuck long does it take to make an offer when you said it was me and this other anonymous person interviwing for this job?"

While in the shower I thought--what if someone from my office applied for the job and they are so totally unsure of who to make the offer to? Then I thought that would be ridiculous and why would they care? Feel free to share both positive and negative scenarios here, people. I like the entertainment.

***

I go into a bookstore yesterday (instead of browsing on Amazon as Bub suggested I should) to find a book.

I was an English major, made to read the bad: Beowoulf (BLECH!) and the good (Uncle Tom's Cabin) and lots of others--those just stick out in my mind. I kept things straight. I did alright, people. I graduated and I'm better for it.

But put me in a bookstore--I go nuts. I don't know how to pick a book because I don't know what I like. At all. Give me a girly book and I'm like this is SO dumb, but I'll read Prep and love it. Give me a contemporary fiction something and I force myself through it. My sister says it's good--just stick with it. I want to believe her because she said the same thing about Memoirs from a Geisha and I enjoyed that one. But Middlesex? Didn't happen for me. I have a couple others like that too--books borrowed from friends that sit, collect dust, never allow their story to be told. Anyway, I am embarrassed I found something worth buying purely because it reminds me of a Lifetime movie on paper. But anyway, I'm already 100 pages into it so maybe this says something about my intellect being parallel to bad women's television dramas.

***

We just had a farewell lunch for a man who has been at our compay the second longest. Second longest at our office, that is. We took him to a restaurant and he drank some beers, made 2 speeches, said goodbye and thanks to me twice and so I asked him what's next. And in his pissed off demeanor, he replied that he's taking the rest of the year off (as if the "rest of the year" is a few weeks) and then he's going to reassess. He didn't return to the office after the lunch. And I am so jealous of him right now.

***

My boss actually thought I thought that fiscal year means the same thing as calendar year. But you see all I did was repeat a part of an email I got with a question that had nothing to do with fiscal years. You see she just thinks she's the shit except she might be if it wasn't for how she dresses. Oops. Anything zipped up over some sort of lingerie, I'm pretty sure is a no-no. Especially when you can see 3/4 of the lingerie (gross) and especially when it's not a sweatshirt or sweater being zipped up, but a shirt--a shirt that should button up. Return the shirt. Just do it.

***

I have big plans to do a couple of errands tonight sandwiched between my trip to the gym. But you see I've been meaning to get to the gym both Tuesday and Wednesday and for reasons I cannot control (American Idol and said book described above), I haven't been able to lure myself to put on my semi-new sneakers and drabby workout clothes that make me feel oh, so attractive. Tonight, though, that changes.

***

I've booked myself a Swedish massage as a pre-birthday gift to me. Since I feel poor going to a spa and paying for numerous services (waxing, nails, etc.), I have opted for a half hour massage. I'm still looking forward to it even though it's not a full hour. All I need to do is justify the facial that I'm also due for (it's been 9 months, people, it's time)--I think May or June is a great option for that, right as the warm weather starts to kick in.

***

This weekend, though, I don't yet have much planned--dinner with a friend on Friday and the usual items to get done on Saturday. I'm glad to hear it's going to be warm, but what about the rain?

***

This has turned into a long list of announcements. I do apologize for misleading you since these aren't really important ones--at least the Prospective Employer can agree--I'm not that important. But I think they're somewhat significant as they all relate to moi.

Weekend Top 10

1. Getting a really, really good manicure without being rushed, forced to pick a different "better" color, no crowd, and for cheap!

2. Finishing a slew of errands before the storm hit: groceries, bills, post office, and gym.

3. Baking fluffy and healthy blueberry muffins on Saturday morning for Bub so that he'd have something yummy to eat while he told me about his hiking trip.

4. Having an early evening on Saturday, discovering a new yummy beer, hanging at a noisy bar and feeling like we were the only ones there.

5. Getting up early today, seeing the sun shine into the quiet church, putting on our layers and getting ready for the race.

6. Running the 5k. Seeing Bub surprised that I caught up to him and then sprinting past lots of huffing and puffing and getting lost in the sea of green.

7. Beers at the bar after the race, talking with Bub's friends. Telling Italy stories, letting the buzz settle in.

8. Spicy onion rings and not feeling guilty about eating them after the run!

9. Napping in our layers after making it home from our early and jam-packed day.

10. Selecting wedding photos to purchase for framing; we'll finally have photos to display on the mantel when we move into a house.

This week is dragging but only because of work. And it's not the lack there of because there's certainly plenty of crap to do. It's just the rut. I couldn't be 100% happy today that it was nice out because this weekend, so I hear, will be like winter with snow and cold and blah.

I'm still waiting to hear from Prospective Employer. I couldn't resist sending a follow up email to the HR rep who arranged the interviews but who only phone interviewed me and will most likely never meet me in person because he works out of another distant office... So I did a little brief hey--thanks--just checking in. And he gave me a prompt thank you for checking in reply along with how he is waiting for feedback which is to come "shortly". MMMMmmmk. What does that mean? Feedback as in he needs the people I interviewed with to give feedback on us as in me and the one other final candidate or he needs to wait and hear that the other person accepted their offer? UGH.

Bub is off tomorrow evening to Mt. Washington to go on a hike with friends and a hired guide. He will climb in snow and ice and I will think warm thoughts while snuggling under a blanket. He won't return until late on Friday. Sigh. But then that means I can start in on season 5 of 24 since he has proven disinterested in Jack Bauer. I know, what a sin.

I'm looking forward to a fun St. Patty's weekend complete with a 5k and some beers, of course!

Until then, this week creeps. The suspense builds.

Translate for my gut

My weekend started off on a good note. I feel like I had a very good connection with the person who interviewed me during my final meeting with Prospective Employer.

This is the second time I've felt that I did not shake the interviwer's hand well. I did so upon departing his office before stepping into the elevator, but the first time was as if I couldn't grasp his hand and lock it in for my trademark one-up, one-down shake. I try not to let that set the tone for the questions and back-and-forth that is inevitable at an interview, and I feel that I managed to do well despite the weak hand clutch.

I like people who listen to me and take notes. Not only does it make me feel that I have important things to say, it shows the other person listens. This person took notes! He also did a lot of nodding and "yes" and "yup"-ing. I do that, too, which doesn't necessarily mean that the person is listening to you, but hey, at least they want to appear engaged. At least, I like to think so. I left feeling more excited about the position.

Lately, I feel as though I've been having job search depression. I am not content in my current position and my last position was very slow and there was hardly anything to do which should have been a flag to me since the office shut down after a mere seven month stint there. So it's been a while since I've really been connected and passionate and excited about work. There are certain perks about my job now, but there is, from what I can tell, no growth stream for me, no next step, if you will, which is a huge problem as far as where I want to be at this age in my career. I've known for a while, especially after attending trade shows, that I want to return to the types of companies I used to work for. Notice I wrote types, not that I want to work at the actual companies I used to once work for. No way.

So in this restless sort of tug-of-war I've had at jobs where I want to stay, make it work, enjoy it, I just feel like it's not fair to allow myself to be sucked up into an atmosphere like that when I know my heart is elsewhere.

So this is where my job depression enters: Where is elsewhere?

I thought it would be at this company I just interviewed with since I've tried many times to make something gel, to hope their HR people weren't as flaky as they seem, to make them see the light, that I can do this job! But I knew that they would continue to search, drag their heels, find someone more aligned with what they're looking for. Fine.

And now this job comes up. And I'm nervous. "Go with your gut" people say. "Are you crazy, you aren't sure you want this?"

My mother is one of the only people who seems to sense my hesitation: Is this what you really want?

I guess I'm just worried because even though it's publishing, it's a different beast in a way. And since so many of my skills translate into this available position, well, does that mean I'll have to keep re-using those same skills, the ones I acquired in my present job to do non-fun stuff in this next job? Or will it be fun stuff? Or will it just be stuff like stuff everyone has to do at work because it's work?

I'm looking for passion, people. I just thought I'd be closer to it at 26 years old. A month and a day away from 27, too...

I don't know what I'm afraid of. I usually have no trouble jumping into something with both feet, but for some reason, I'm freaking out! So then is THAT a sign that this is a bad move? Someone translate for my gut, please.

I guess I have no decision to make unless they make me an offer.

To be continued.

I like to think I'm the type of person who knows what she wants.

Got the job before graduating college...check.
Got promotion...check.
Found new job to escape current work hell...check.
Found new job within a month after new job's office closed...check.
Found another new job to escape current work "situation"...semi-check.

I am dwelling. I am stressing. I haven't even been offered the position yet. Daily Editor offers advice. (Thanks Daily Editor!) Others offer advice. Bub tells me to slow down--first things first.

I talked to an old co-worker who I haven't spoken to in three years who holds the position I am applying for, but in a different capacity. She reassures me, I am doing all the right things.

Knock on wood.

I get so competitive.

I get ahead of myself. I just want the option to choose what's next.

I hate final interviews. Eww.

I want my parents to tell me what to do next.

Bedtime is in less than 15 minutes. Up early for the gym, then for another day's work and another day until the interview.

Is it the weekned yet?

meh

It was a good day off today.

I didn't sleep in since I had a doctor's appointment. I couldn't relax afterwards since I had to prepare mentally and physically for the interview.

And I just don't know what to say.

Is it what I want? Do I have a choice as to whether or not it can be mine? Did they like me enough? Did I like the job enough? Do I want to make the move? Is it right? What is right? What next? What will I do if I get an offer? How will I feel when I don't get an offer? Is my theoretical boss good in theory?

Is it what I want? Where's the crystal ball? Where's the person telling me what to do? What is right? What is right?

Isn't this the company I've tried interviewing at three times now? Isn't this the place that is so exclusive and difficult to crack? Is it worth it? Or is it a silent nightmare? Is there anything creative about this job? I don't think so--but isn't that what I wanted? But what's my next move, my next option, my better offer if this isn't it? I'm not accounting material. I'm not finance.

I'm lazy. And slow. And burned out. I want my bakery and frosting and fun purses and sunshine. I want red wine on the porch in the evening.

Pushing a stroller on a spring afternoon. Tucking her into sleep at night. Ironing in front of the television like my mother.

What is logical? Who is judging me?

I am.

One hour away

I'm one hour away...

from a long weekend to which I will not feel guilty that I have so much work and that I'm taking the day off on Monday. Besides, the idea of a new job sounds like a better way to think about work. And since my interview is that day, I shall stress about that and not how full my inbox will be on Tuesday.

from seeing best friends for dinner. I'm not looking forward to trekking through the rain, especially when I'm tired and wanted to hit the gym, but there is no time in between for that. Not that I'm complaining too much about not working out, but the Chinese food I ate yesterday and the potential dessert I may consume tonight will be reason enough to make me feel like a guilty cow.

from checking on my gash on my right leg. I managed to use the stupid, pink, CVS-brand razor that I knew I should have trashed because they suck. They SUCK! And as I was drying off on the shower mat, I noticed blood. I knew I had a cut; I could feel it for goodness' sake, but DUDE! This was like I tripped on an axe with my ankle. Damn razor.

And the clock ticks...

The List

I make lists at home concerning things I must do each day, each week, especially over the weekend. Then there are the work lists. For the day, week, in general.

When I start doodling on my list, highlighting left and right, and crossing things off (which doesn't happen often enough), I have to start again. New paper, new list. It's exhausting.

You know what else is exhausting? This week. And I wasn't particularly busy. I mean I could have been busier, doing things on my list! However, 24 has presided over this (we just started Netflixing the 4th season and yes, we are already addicted), the cold winter air has kept me under blankets on the couch (big shocker there). Wine (another big shocker), downloading new songs (where is the new song with Timbaland, Nelly, and Justin?), being lazy--those were more important than finishing our picks for our wedding album (because we're four months away from the one-year mark!), cleaning the parts of the condo that weren't tidied this weekend (zzzzzzz), writing a sample to send in with my application to the writer's conference (and what will that be about?), looking at more than 2 Web sites for a new job (but I do have an interview!), amongst other to-do things. But do you know what? I'm okay with it. Really.

And tomorrow's Friday (as if you weren't already counting down the hours until the weekend).