meh

It was a good day off today.

I didn't sleep in since I had a doctor's appointment. I couldn't relax afterwards since I had to prepare mentally and physically for the interview.

And I just don't know what to say.

Is it what I want? Do I have a choice as to whether or not it can be mine? Did they like me enough? Did I like the job enough? Do I want to make the move? Is it right? What is right? What next? What will I do if I get an offer? How will I feel when I don't get an offer? Is my theoretical boss good in theory?

Is it what I want? Where's the crystal ball? Where's the person telling me what to do? What is right? What is right?

Isn't this the company I've tried interviewing at three times now? Isn't this the place that is so exclusive and difficult to crack? Is it worth it? Or is it a silent nightmare? Is there anything creative about this job? I don't think so--but isn't that what I wanted? But what's my next move, my next option, my better offer if this isn't it? I'm not accounting material. I'm not finance.

I'm lazy. And slow. And burned out. I want my bakery and frosting and fun purses and sunshine. I want red wine on the porch in the evening.

Pushing a stroller on a spring afternoon. Tucking her into sleep at night. Ironing in front of the television like my mother.

What is logical? Who is judging me?

I am.