A zit has decided to perch itself on my jawline and it's soooo bothering me. I think once you've survived high school, one should never ever have to deal with these things. And it hurts : (

This weekend I won't be thinking all about how I have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn for a train to take me to NY. That is quite nice, I must say.

This weekend is the last full weekend Bub and I will spend together before mid-October. Gross, I know. He has a bachelor party next weekend and the day he returns I leave for Germany. There should be a law about things like this, but for the first time ever, I think, I'm actually looking forward to the trip.

It is grueling, tiring, exhausting, nerve-wracking, and utterly difficult to spend so much time within the confines of an ultra-large convention center for which you must take a bus to get from one hall to the next, but the time spent in close confines with your, ahem, colleague also makes it trying. And then there's the whole working through Saturday and not arriving home and into the arms of your bub until Sunday afternoon which makes it all the more depressing.

But the Europeans? They know about work. Sure, the smoke clouds you have to cut through as you walk in your super cute outfits while everyone is bustling around isn't glam or nose-friendly, but the drinking which commences as early as say, 10am, or the cocktail parties and treats being passed out at the conclusion of each day are always something to look forward to. I mean, how many times have you gone to a meeting and been asked for coffee or water? Here they ask if white or red suffices or perhaps some fizzy water! How adventurous! And you bet I don't think twice about what to drink while ordering in front of the colleague. No way. This is work, people. And it all comes with the package.

Surely there are other fun things to do besides looking forward to the drinks of choice at this event. Yes, sure. The breakfast at our hotel is TDF. The mini baked goods, samplings of meat and cheeses, and then there's the jelly-sized nutellas that I always scoop up in hopes of having some leftover to bring home.

So now you know that food and drink both excite me...ha.

Then there's the little market outside of the convention center which has many kiosks of crafts made by the locals. I haven't been fortunate to find something here before when I've shopped, but goodness, that's because I have my colleague in tote, distracting me from concentrating on all that is glorious.

Finally, there is this feeling of independence and "I did it" while riding the train alone in Germany. This, "this is my job", feeling. And "I can do anything" emotion. And it feels good. Or perhaps it felt good because I was buzzed at the time and sitting quietly trying to make myself feel better about riding the train alone on a Saturday night while the rest of the world celebrated the end of a work week by, well, not working. But I digress...

So all the work that happens between the TDF breakfast and the drinks and sporadic parties? Well, that's something to feel good about. Important about. Everyone is excited to share what is new and forthcoming and wonderful. And although I often wish I was on the other side of the meeting table sharing the wealth of information I have, the grass is always greener on the other side, now isn't it?

Now only if I were solving problems like world peace or something, then I'd be all set.

Happy Friday, peeps.
+++P.S. Is anyone watching this? If so, thoughts??

Not sure how to feel

I had my review today. That annual thing where you say things about yourself and how great you are in hopes of promotion-ville or raise-ville or fantastic feedback-ville.

After my first review here, I got a raise, but it was a surprise; I expected nothing as I have been in positions where, if you do not get a promotion, you get little or nothing. I expected the latter, but instead I got double the "norm" or whatever that is.

Double.

I was psyched.

And so now as I near my 2.5 tenure here, I waited for something similar. I mean, who knew what the review would bring. I got the juicy raise last year, the office this summer, I was sort of on an up and up.

I got solid feedback and I was reminded of things I did that I forgot I did--and they were good things.

But I left without anything to feel great about--no additional moolah, no promotion, nada.

One thing about where I am in a position is the growth that comes with it. I have grown here, but I'm always looking for the next milestone to reach. And although they hardly (outside of my direct report) promote others, I can't help but wonder what the turning point will be for me here.

What is next?

And I find myself saying that alot lately with not just work, but with my life's path.

I've never been one to plan...I just sort of followed. And I know that's not very creative, but I mean, I went to college because it's expected and it was the right thing to do--at least for me. And then I found my first job, which was what you were supposed to do after you graduated (unless you went to school, but publishing doesn't require it, so there you go), and then I got married to my husband because when you find your love, that's what you do--you don't let them go! And so then you're where I am...at this crossroads where you are the person who has to decide what's next because there is no more flow--I mean, the flow can happen in any number of ways.

Am I beating a dead horse here?

Anyway, all of the above aside, I will leave you with this question:

Where does one find inexpensive, but fun accessories/jewelry? I'm talking a red-beaded necklace or something of the sort? I'm in need of fun items like these. Similar to the Mint Julep's of the world (or the 2 that are in MA)...

Bostonians, speak up! Or else, point me to any good sites for online shopping!

Merci beaucoup!

Tired

I survived the 3:45am wakeup call yesterday, the meetings, the presentation, the boss.

I am still tired.

I prepare now for the 40+ meetings in Germany in less than 2 weeks.

I returned to the office to learn that the one dead mouse they found in a closet adjacent to my office had friends; additional mice carcasses were discovered.

I'm glad I wasn't here for that. I am here, however, for a lingering smell...

We finally painted our kitchen this weekend. It's not quite finished. It's almost done and then there's laundry and cleaning and switching and switching back summer to fall to summer clothes. What is up with the temps?

There has been mulling over of babies, reading of articles about how women are forced to decide between career or baby or both or what? And then there's the whole when you're 27, your fertility decreases. I'm officially old and almost 27 1/2.

Some of you Internets make me feel old in your 24 and earlier ages. What happened to the time?

I know I'm being slightly melodramatic and I know that I'm not old...yet...but I feel it. Planning out things like having babies is serious. I take it seriously. I don't understand how one plunges into this. How does one plunge?

Sex, I can understand, plunging, I cannot.

It's Gabriel

There, I confessed it.

Moving on.

I'm exhausted. Today was so busy with all those meetings I said would eat up my day. And I feel like I can't be 100% psyched for the weekend because come Monday morning, my ass will be up at 4am, not to go to the gym, not to get to work early, but to board a train that will haul my ass to NYC for meetings--more meetings--all day. And my last meeting? Won't end until after 4pm, which means, yay, that will suck. And I don't and can't and won't elaborate that much more except I tried to take my chances with a train ride to NYC instead of flying because I'm so sick of the delays and the pain in the ass that going to the airport is. But seriously, our first meeting requires me to get on the earliest possible train in the history of ever. So I'll be arriving one hour and fifteen minutes early for the first meeting because if I don't plan ahead and be on time which I hardly ever am, I'll most likely be late seeing as how the next train, which would require my being up at a mere hour later--5am, gets me to NY fifteen minutes earlier than when my meeting starts.

Bored yet? I am. Tired yet? I am.

Ugh. Anyone up for caffeine suckage downage at 8am in NY on Monday morning?

Thought so.

Happy almost weekend.

Short 'n Sweet

I'm sipping on a nonfat pumpkin spice latte...

I'm having thoughts about going shopping after work (shocker) in that this week has been torture trying to figure out how not to freeze my buns in the office (hello, it's freezing) and because it is very close to fall, and I should no longer be milking my warm-weather wardrobe.

I went through my casual tops and I seem to have 2 black, 2 green, 2 white/very light, long sleeve numbers and a couple of borderline spring long sleevers-too. How exciting, huh?

I have either summery or wintery cardigans and the new sweater I bought is definitely too warm for now.

So yes, now that I feel good in the shoe department (and I am wearing these today, for the second day in a row, because I love them so much and because they are comfortable which is a hard thing to come by in shoes), I need to concentrate on the stuff that will cover up my underwear while in the office.

The office has been quiet because my boss has been out since Monday. Tomorrow she returns and we have too many meetings planned. More than I usually have in a month. OK, maybe that's exaggerating the facts, but it's a lot and they're practically back to back. And dammit, I was productive this morning and it seems to be waning, my drive, hence the post.

En route to my trip to the bucks that is star for this latte, I called my friend who just had a baby boy. I heard him in the background. I heard her talking about diapers and c-sections, and dialation. I heard her speak the gooey baby talk to this baby whose name I'm fairly sure I'm not a fan of. But I would never ever ever tell her because she is my friend and she doesn't need my opinion about what she named her first born child. And she doesn't read this blog (or so I hope), so I think it's safe to say that.

Anyway, I got a mommy pang while listening to all of this baby talk from her, and that's all I am gonna say about it.

More later.

Weekend Roundup

I left work early on Friday because the boss did and my mind was fried. We decided to walk away from the house I wrote about here. We decided that it's too expensive to chase, but being that it's a divorce situation, we know they must get rid of it and have no other offers on the table. Perhaps it will drop in cost, but for now, we'll continue to enjoy our condo.

I got a manicure just before going to pick up Bub at the train station. When I collected my husband, we went straight to a wine tasting where we were meeting my family to support the organization my sister volunteers at. The organization has to do with animals. The event was held in a hall. The event smelled like animals, namely cat litter.

We left after some tasting and stopped at a local Mexican place for some late dinner before some TV and then bed.

Saturday was consumed by cleaning. Cleaning the new kitchen counters and sink we just had installed. Cleaning the inside and outside of cabinets and reorganizing every item including the 6 boxes of cous cous we didn't know we had.

Bub was a laundry superstar. I had on my sexy plastic gloves for toilet and tub scrubbing pleasure.

Then it was off to 3 grocery stores in search of manicotti squares in order to make dinner for my friend who was visiting from DC.

No one sells damn maincotti, so lasagne was made instead. Bub thought it might be weird since it was a manicotti recipe for which I was making lasagne. I reminded him that manicotti and lasagne are booth NOODLE dishes. It would be OK.

It was OK--in fact, it was delish.

No lasagne leftovers remain.

Yesterday we went to the "Natick Collection" to see the first Nordstrom of Massachusetts. I bought shoes which I am wearing today. And they are glorious. Bub got a new suit. He is just the most handsome man ever in a suit.

We were exhausted after battling the cars and crowds at the newly renovated "collection" (mall!) and headed home. Some more TV and some more cleaning completed the evening. I finally got my Harry Potter books from Amazon and got back to reading where I had left off when I borrowed book 2 on the Cape several weeks ago.

I'm now writing this with 34 emails to follow up on and a bazillion things to do. You can see where my priorities lie. I also have the door shut, my space heater on, and I'm contemplating looking on the Starbucks Web site to pick out a new drink to go get at lunch to keep warm.

Any suggestions? I'm tired of lattes.

Ahhh, Mondays.

Emotionally Exhausted for a Friday

Thank goodness 1/2 this work day is over! I am spent and so is Bub.

We found a house we both really, really like. We can see ourselves and our phantom family living there.

I have become borderline obsessed.

Bub has been doing and redoing and doing again (only to do again) our numbers. We've budgeted every item down to the expensive shampo0 and waxing appointments.

Being a grownup sucks.

We may have to walk away from this one. It could be the right thing to do financially when you already have a mortgage to pay and all the other bills that come with this thing called your life.

But what ever happened to that line your teachers, your parents, your friends, and even those bumper stickers said when you were in predicaments like this?

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Let there be a way.

I've begun...

I've started my fall shopping and I'm looking for inspiration. My first purchase? A Michael Kors flowy, black, top with subtle detail. Perfect to dress up or down; I shall be taking it on my trip to Germany in four short weeks.

Yesterday, I purchased these:

I was looking for something different than my usual flats and I'm hoping (since I haven't yet tried them on) that they won't let me down. They're by Frye, a brand I had't yet encountered.

For some reason finding clothes for the warmer months is easier than finding outfits for the colder weather. Maybe it's the layering and, therefore, the need to have more clothing, but I feel like my cute summer look goes to blah once the leaves change.

Making the annual trek to Frankfurt each autumn is a good reason to shop since everyone who attends the work event wears to-die-for ensembles. Even their hosiery is impressive.

Why, then, can't shopping be my full-time job?

And I just remembered that the black top wasn't my first purchase at all. I have a blue cardigan on the way that I completely forgot about!

9-11

We will never forget.

Sick. Of. It

I don't know how my husband does it. He's worked at the same company for 10 years and he gets up early, puts on a smiling face, and then faces the music.

Me? I must be bored, but I've had it here. And because I've posted pics of myself and feel all paranoid, I'll keep my big mouth shut.

I'm either totally PMSing or way annoyed. I had a chocolate frosted donut this morning too. Despite me feeling the cellulite growing at an alarming rate, I should have enjoyed it way more given that it was the only bright part of my morning outside of reading some funny posts, emails, and remembering that I'm in an office now and can shut the door.

I'd be happy to trade places with Britney Spears, however. I can take her millions and make my hair look 100% better than hers, love my kids, not use drugs, and actually look like I'm having fun on stage. I mean, what gives?

The weekend has finally come

There is something about short work-weeks that make it seem even longer to get to the weekend.

I've just arrived home with the promise of a weekend not fully booked. Of course, the time gets eaten up by something, whether it be have-to-do's or should-do's or a few fun things that steal the time.

I'm still on a Harry Potter kick and I had hoped that the books I ordered earlier this week would have arrived by now. There are plenty of other things I could read, including the book Bub really wants me to, but for some reason I can't get into it just yet. I fear I'll forget what I need to know about Harry in order to continue onto the next part of the story. Silly, I know.

I've been telling people today to brave the heat and stay cool. Although summer is only here until later this month (sadly), after Labor Day I take a double-take at the clothes and shoes people don because, well, it's not summer officially in my book unless it's the months of June, July, and August.

I'll miss the heat, the sigh of relief that I breathe upon leaving the office as I thaw from the generic, stale air-conditioning which leaves a film of morgue proportions on my skin and changes my fingers to a pale purple (it is true).

But with fall comes mystery. As we prepare to step out into chillier nights and darker skies after long days in front of the screen's glow, I recall the fall and all its promise when at college. Pledging for the sorority, blindfolds, drinking from cheap wine bottles while screaming the fight song.

The same crisp air stays with me well into the autumn and early winter seasons. But when winter comes hard, the mystery is gone. All that's left is shivering, bone-chilling, discomfort.

And sometimes snow.

How Do You Know???

So this past weekend, although a relaxing one filled with yummy eating, running and hiking, shopping and napping, it also consisted of vocalizing the results of my soul searching.

On Friday, before being let out of work early (yay!), I opened a fresh word doc to pour all my career options if I were to become prego or if I were to wait. Here's the list in no particular order:

Prego/Have Child NOW:

Freelancing
Going back to work at current job part or full time
Finding a new full/part time job here
Finding a new full/part time job there—move (London?)
Going to school—MFA—teaching?
Applying to law school again?
Opening a business
Staying at home full time; screw work
Moving with family and stay at home

WAIT (do not get prego):

Continuing working at current job
Finding a new job here
Moving, finding a new job there
Freelancing
Opening a business
Applying to school—MFA—teaching?
Applying to law school again

My gut reactions are that I don't want to go to law school. I don't know what my business would be and therefore could not open it, but the bakery idea sounds like it could be it.

I like the idea of writing at home while taking care of little Nora or Curtis...

Part of me just wants to see how it goes--why should I know 100% what I'm going to do? That would just jinx it, right?

So...I took out a pad of paper and started making a list of lifetime goals with Bub on Saturday morning. The list looked sort of like this but had a Courtney/Bub column. And we didn't stop at career, we put down how many kids we think we want, where we think we want our vacation house to be, and yes, at what ages we hope to conceive so as plan out our parenting life.

Parenting life.

Last week I talked to my old college roommate who is due to give birth any day now. When I asked her if she was ready and how she knew she said that she wanted to get her masters, yes, that she wanted to work full time even. But that holding her son in her arms was so much more exciting and fantastic an idea when it came down to comparing that to a cold degree sitting in a frame over her desk.

I understood.

Ladies and gentlemen (or invisible readers anywhere). I think I have successfully planned out how things will look in the future. Though I'm not a mother today, I have heard the words that have been spoken several times to me now: No matter how much you plan for things, things are never quite as they seem and go according to plan. Be open minded.

Now that I've peeled away the anxiety of being in a small condo, being five years out of school, wanting to do so much in life and how and if and when I'll do those things as a parent, too, I'm left with the feelings of concrete and raw "How do you know?" How do you know when you're ready to be a parent, ready to start seriously trying? Ready. Ready. Ready. Should you have read a book about it? Had an epiphany? What?

I get the ovaries humming sensation when I see an adorable baby, wave back at the little girl across the street, say goodbye to the cute little boy I just met at a get together with friends, but I do not get this feeling with every baby and toddler.

I'm terrified. And that's what I'm most anxious about.

So for anyone who's a parent who ever sees this post, please share with me how you know.

Despite my anxiety about this subject in earlier posts, I am truly doing better and feeling like I'm close to knowing how I feel. The terrified part remains...what if I'm not smart enough? Know enough? What if I'm too young, too immature? What if I'm not fun enough? What if? What if?

Someone please tell me something. Tell me anything, even if it's that I'll miss red wine too much while carrying my unborn child or that I shouldn't think I'm too young because hello? I've known my husband 6 years, been married for over 1, and he's ready and I want to be, too.

Please don't judge me. I'm just trying to figure this out.