One month exactly

And I will be nervous. It will be my wedding day. I expect lots of tears will flow. I expect I'll be a wreck, a ball of nerves, an elated, butterfly-stomached girl.

A girl. I'll feel like I'm not mature enough, ready enough, woman enough to be a wife. A mother. A soul mate.

But then I'll see the groom. I'll see the guy who found me not just in a dimly lit tavern, but found me at one particular moment in my life. That the urge to say hello, to approach me and then to call and get to know me.

I'll see my future. I'll see the future father, current love, caring friend, perfect person for me.

And the butterflies will fly away, the tears will dry, the nerves will cease to exist. I'll step up the altar. My maturity will collect, I'll stand tall. I can do this. I want to do this.

I'm ready.

Wax on...

Wax off.

So this topic has quickly made itself known in the message boards I often scope out (read: every day, practically every hour--I know--I'm a bridal geek).

The thing is, the only waxing I've ever experienced is that of my eyebrows. Pleasant? No. Then after taking a certain medication I was told to stay away from waxing.

Um, what ?

So what was a girl to do?

Tweeze.

And so that was fun. Then I learned about threading. And now here I am. Happy Threaded Girl.

So no, readers, this isn't a post about eyebrows, this is a post about brides thinking: Well it's my wedding, so I should do things I would never otherwise consider. And so now we're talking closer to the bikini wax area. But apparently for many brides, that's not enough.

Now we're talking about Brazilian waxes. No, I refer to them as the have you lost your mind wax? (Actually, it's more like you've lost all of you hair down there wax.)

I've just joined the bandwagon of crazy brides who feel the need to go out on a limb, act as if this is the last time to really live before the big day.

My brazilian is scheduled for sometime in the near future. NO details shall follow.

I don't care to admit it

But I will. I'm a full-fledged bridezilla.

B for the bitch that comes out when you're trying to square things away but you get so much input from your future husband, mother, maid of honor. The comments that come with every wedding planning conversation, the looks, the grunts of "Why do it that way?"

R for the righteous attitude I pathetically display. The underlying tone of "It's right/easier/better this way." Bub hates this. I know he wonders why I get bent out of shape if we switch a reservation for a wedding trolley, play with where the dance floor goes...it never ends.

I for the idiot I am--and feel like after I nag, pester, and obsess about many unimportant items. That's right folks, there are many unimportant items, but it's the insane pressure I feel to impress, impress, impress.

D is for dumbass. I hate it when vendors are slow, unreasonable, and OVERPRICED!

E is for exhausted. After finishing the weekend's running around from Friday after work through late yesterday afternoon, I was exhausted. Wedding, wedding, wedding! It's definitely my full-time job!

ZZZZ...I'm too tired to post more.

33 days to go. Yes, I am excited, yes the planning is certainly coming along, and yes, I owe Bub big time for being a Bridezilla. Someone tell me to chill!

just me

Sometimes I wonder what happened to the old me, the girl who wrote crazy lines--poetry, I guess. The girl who whipped out papers the night before they were due, the girl who wrote stupid shit on napkins at bars and gave them to cute boys after too many beers. The girl who everyone knew would do her publishing thing and perhaps write a book.

To me I feel like writing is a dirty word.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. I guess I've had a lot of wedding on the brain (hence my last post), but in a way, I feel like I've stepped away from me, away from the everyday. I'm trying to figure out my career crisis--and you all know what it is. Law school it's not. I'm trying to figure out what the next step is "digitally"...I'm trying to picture being a Mrs. Trying to picture how I was motivated, how I was passionate. Bub assures me I am still all these things, but how do we lose sight of who we are? And how do I have so much of this back and forth going on and I'm only 26?

I'm so afraid of regret and so afraid of making a mistake. But how can I prevent them if I don't know what they are?

I feel like I'm getting dumber by the day, molding myself into the corporate bath water, "fitting in". They never gave us a class on that and we've been doing that since birth.

I've felt it harder to be "me" around friends--almost as if being a "grown up" changed that. I'm not talking about broken friendships, I'm talking about how I feel like there's so much to do with one's life. But where does one even begin?

It's been a long while since I've written truly and deeply. I come here to report on stuff. But that's not me. That's an article about the day's events. I feel like just as my job is as cut and dry as can be, that's what my writing has turned into.

And no one can wrap that up in pink.

Wedding Brain

I just thought I'd take a little time to let out what's going on in my head so that I can focus on work.

I want to search wedding web sites all day long in the quest for comfortable shoes. I bought one pair, but I'm afraid of the pain factor.

I still don't know how to wear my hair.

Bub is taking a long time with his ideas for wedding favors.

I can't wait to get paid so that I can buy, buy, buy.

I feel like it's Christmas with all the shopping for gifts I have to do.

Someone reassure me it won't be 100 degrees on July 22nd or raining.

I still don't konw what to wear for a necklace or if I need one at all.

Same with earrings.

I finally got underwear--nothing too frilly for under the dress. It's all about no lines and comfort!

I'm now the proud owner of lingerie. In my 5 years with Bub, I had nothing--not even cute undies.

I want to search wedding web sites all day.

Happy Birthday

Today is my mother's birthday.

Happy Birthday Mum!

I just got home from the festivities and found...a gift for me. What?

The IRS has sent me a couple of items. The last time they sent me something it was to show me my taxes got torn (looked like they were burned) while being processed or sorted in the mail.

So when I finally got my act together and resent them, I get these things from the IRS today.

Maybe I'm going to jail. Maybe I'm going to court.

Or maybe, something got messed up--and I get a CHECK for $800.

Yes, that's it--I got a note saying that I had an error on my taxes and that my check would be forthcoming for $800. And guess what readers? That check came in the mail tonight!

Happy Me! Happy paying wedding bills, credit cards, and new lingerie for the big night! : )

Slug

Ladies and Gents:

I feel like a slug.

I haven't danced and drank like that since I was in college...whoa.

Last night was a blast!

Some of the girls came over to pick me up and have a toast to the fun night that it would be.

Bub took pictures of me donning my tiara (which hurt my head so bad!) and my long veil. I felt like a princess. I never ever wish people to think I act like one or should be treated like one, but last night I felt like one in the right kind of way.

We hit the town and ate like Queens at Maggiano's. Then we did it up right at The Liquor Store. I "attempted" to ride the bull, but the liquor wasn't flowing quite enough. I was definitely embarrassed as I tried to get onto the frigging thing! What is all this gym time for if I can't even place my caboose on the moose??? Apparently we missed out on the hardcore riding which occurs every Friday night--as you wear a bikini...

I had a ball and very good friends were close by to shake their groove thang.

I do feel like a slug as my body is trying to figure out what the hell happened last night. I'm sore, but at least I'm not strapped to the toilet crying for mercy.

And I wore comfy shoes, so no problem there. I'm such a grandma.

Happy Second Half of the Weekend! Thanks to all who made it a fabulous night! : )

Beat

I was up at 5 this morning and sweating well by 5:40. Gotta love working out before work while everyone else sleeps and hits snooze.

There was a publisher meeting, followed by driving back to the office with the boss, more work, more questions, some emailing with Daily Editor and so on. Then it was to the bakery to pick up dessert for bub's grandfather who turned 97 today. Then it was off for some shopping and to dinner. We finished by visiting Gramps at home and tasting some of the yummy lemon squares I picked out.

And tomorrow night I am told will be my bachelorette party. I'm really looking forward to it because from what I sort of know, some people near and dear to my heart will attend--and all the other cool biatches that I'd want to be there.

Of course, I am saddened by my friends in Florida, Cali, and Arizona who cannot make it--you know who you are.

More to come! Goodnight.