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It was a long day of travel which started with a 3:30am wakeup call from Orbitz to let me know that my first of two flights was on time. I jumped back into bed for 15 minutes to let the alarm really sound at 3:45 since I have been up at 5:30 on my own--no assistance from any sort of alarm clock--while my unexpectedly cool roomie snoozed on and on since she stays up later to shower and what not before bed.

I pushed outside into the hallway the dirty dishes from the celebratory "I'm going home soon brownie ice-cream sundae" from the night before and grabbed the local paper which I heard the hotel staff plunk down while I was popping open my eyelids to psyche myself for getting the heck out of here and fast.

When I arrived downstairs and as my luggage ba-boomed and zoomed over the uneven stone floor I noticed some unfamiliar but familiar faces still awake from the night before; they were the die-hard partiers. That was fine with me. I mean it was a work dinner gone long. I was not regretful that I didn't top off the 3 margaritas, tequila shot, and wine with more. I'm surprised I was only thirsty for hydration and not hanging over a toilet hoping I could delay my flight time.

I rode in a cab with one of the founders of the company. When I first met him the other night at a cocktail reception he was the typical British dry humor type. And when I had more free-flowing wine I became more comfortable with myself and came out with the expected question we all asked of each other when we weren't wearing our lanyard's and name tags: what is it that you do? To which I was embarrassed to learn that he was one of the founders of the company. And when he said not to be embarrassed, that he doesn't go around telling people that, that he prefers to keep that info somewhat reserved, I figured how opposite of my boss is he?

We arrive at the airport and part our separate ways, wishing each other good and safe travels. From my fabulous planning I had close-to-the-entrance-and-exit-seats for both the first and second flights with no one immediately sitting on either side. The extra elbow room was appreciated and I held on for dear life as the cramps were at an all-time high.

I wanted to give my seat up to the quiet man two seats over from me. I wanted to ask if he was new to Boston or visiting for a short time. He craned his neck several times to see out the window which I blocked with my crazy bumpy ponytail and bunched up coat resting on my lap. I tried to lean back to let him see and felt awkward that he was constantly turned my way trying to catch a glimpse of the clouds, the water, the land. The snow.

Fastforward and I'm feeling really hot from being all twisted up in my plane clothes under a blanket on the couch when Bub arrives home. I'm groggy and annoyed that I didn't unpack just a few things so that I could have looked nicer for his arrival. Instead he waited as I put spring-colored tulips in a vase, combed my hair, threw on a skirt and clean sweater with newish heels. I had been in boots all day--with not painful heels--but enough to piss off my feet. But I wanted to step it up. I was home and this was our Valentine's Day.

We hit a favorite restaurant and Bub was extremely talkative. I watched as others packed into the cramped restaurant and rushed to shut the door to keep out the bitter reminder that we're still in winter even though spring is supposed to come soon.

We drank wine, ate appetizers which brought us back to Amalfi Coast memories, and we talked about what we would do this weekend. How we would pick up our house-hunting task and maybe figure things out as we go.

Because this weekend, people. This weekend is here. And it's a long one.

There is a light not too far off into the distance. It's two words. One which starts with a "T" and the other which begins with an "E"--that's right. It's "The End"...

The end of longish days and boozing nights.
The end of dodging my boss' arrogance, strange stares (checking up on me of course--and the famous look up and down at last night's banquet when I strolled in in lace and she looked cheap in a black halter dress appropriate for a borderline strip club--no bitterness there, though...geesh).
The end of standing up for 6 hours with a brief lunch break so that I could be mistaken for someone who works at another company.
The end of dodging the girl I was asked to include in my dinner plans on Monday night because my boss is too "important" and we ran into her that same evening as we were at the same restaurant and she barely acknowledged us in her stupidity of assigning me to watch over her incompetent staff.
The end of listening about how great this event is and how I will get so much out of it when it's been more a waste of time and a reason to keep the alcohol intake high.

We end it with one last dinner. A last supper, if you will, before my flight tomorrow at the crack of dawn. I will go home and watch Oprah, people. I will do nothing. But I will go to the gym because I've been eating and drinking calories on high. I will work from home on Friday because it's time I made a decision to do so like every other bloody person from our office. And I will enjoy that long weekend that I have been craving since last weekend when I stressed so long over this silly trip.

And can I just say that I got the most special gift from Bub for this special love-saturated day? He sent the sweetest note and created the most special album of us through the years--of our international vacations--times spent together--and how we've been through so much.

That's my husband. I can't wait for his hugs tomorrow. Miss you!!! x

Yee-haw, part I

I'm running on V.L.S. or "very little sleep"--I was up at 3:30am--or even earlier since I went to bed at 10pm on Sunday, woke at close to midnight, then at about 2am, then at 3 when Orbitz called to say my flight was on time, then I laid still in bed until the alarm sounded: 3:30am.

Fastforward. I made it. I'm not happy. I'm ready to go home.

My boss acted so inappropriately tonight; apparently I'm a babysitter for her incompetent staff (re: NOT me) and it's currently 11:19pm here and I'm having a hard time typing and including punctuation.

I'm ready to go home. Ready for tomorrow's pointless day of lectures, and the next day's continuing of lectures along with more mindless alcohol consumption and "awards" to digest at a banquet that is more for execs, I'm convinced, than anything.

Call my attitude bad, but I told you I checked out of this place a long time ago. I didn't need a trip to TX to remind me of it.

Bub, I miss you. I'll call you in the morning.

Love,
me

Dreaming

I feel like I cannot be 100% excited that it's Friday since I have an early flight to Texas to dread on Monday. We have to share a room with someone at the hotel and the way the numbers work out, there aren't enough women in the office to plan on requesting to be roommates with. So I have a "random roommate" who I will find out about when I check in. Joy. By random, I mean that the other people I could potentially room with are sales people I might have met once or never at all...

On top of that I will get my period next week (great) and be in cramps hell for the first full day of meetings. That night, we'll have a banquet and I'll probably want to die of stomach trouble and bitchiness. Yay.

I'm trying to feel like I should enjoy the weekend. I have more pampering tomorrow--nails and a hair cut so that I can look my best for when I'm in Texas. Not that I want to impress a bunch of sales people with polished nails and nice grooming, but I'm sure you understand.

So I'm thinking that this time next week--or even a week from yesterday when I'm back--that I'll be in a better state of mind. Back with my husband. Back in the cold. Back for the loooong weekend I am yearning for.

Happy Weekend.

mini rant

I am so exhausted.

I've been working longer hours trying to see the light.

And I don't. And I feel like a fake. Like a pushover. Like a frump.

I am seriously putting a best two feet forward.

My mind is not rewarded. I am not sighing any relief at the end of the day.

It's all corporate bull.

I just need a vacation.

Bitter

I wanted to go to the Justin Timberlake concert last night.

I was too late securing tickets.

I drove into work listening to how fabulous it was--that Pink was a great opening artist, that Timbaland was allowed an intermission act, and that, of course, Justin was phenomenal.

Boo!

bits

...While driving to work today I saw a big black U-Haul-looking truck. On one of its sides it read: Deathwish Piano Movers
...At the gym last night I dragged myself over to the "sketch" pad or the teeny, tiny stretching area where one can use large bouncy balls to do ab work, or just stretch and do traditional crunches or sit-ups. I opted for the ball-less crunches and had to shut my eyes for fear of having to see others in awkward positions or stare as I struggled after 50 crunches to attempt 50 more. The noises that came from my right were startling; it sounded like this man was having sex with a gym ball. Gross.
...I am wearing body shapewear underneathe my clothes today because I do not have proper long johns and this was one step better than regular undies. I feel like I am wearing a girdle right about now.
...Someone I work with just told me his last day is on Friday and he'll move to Denver. I got jealous and wondered when I can announce the same news: that my last day is Someday and that I'm moving to Capri, which happens to be one of the places we went on our honeymoon and coincidentally enough--the place where the latest J. Crew catalog was photographed.
...It is 19 degrees out now and I'm already thinking of something fun to bake tonight.
...I'm trying a new nail place on Saturday. I'm hoping they're good and I'm looking forward to shiny toes and moisturized fingers. I yearn to return to the spa from last weekend and just learned my birthday is on a Friday this year. I know what I'm doing that day. And it's not work.
...I'm bummed that I won't be here for V-Day since I'll still be stuck in Texas. I hope that our day-late V-Day celebration is still fun--Bub is not saying much about it. All I'm asking for are some kisses.
...My hair is getting really long and I've had thoughts about trimming it shorter than an inch. I think I know what I want my next short hair cut to be.
...I wish my job right now was to decorate a cake or something. I'm sort of feeling a bit spent for a Tuesday. Anyone want to play hooky with me?

At last

It's Friday.

And I'm feeling good despite a tiny headache from all the sangria last night.

After spending time with a friend I see far too little, I woke up this morning tired and slightly cranky and pissed that the shampoo I bought yesterday was actually conditioner, and that I literally had to brainstorm where random travel-sized shampoo bottles would be in the decreasingly hot shower so that I could wash my hair with something other than water.

But once I found something (hooray) and threw together a mighty cute outfit (if I do say so myself, my shoes rock : )), I'm feeling a renewed sense of satisfaction that I will find a new job opportunity. That the fizzled out interview from last year will come to closure and I will follow up until that is the case. That the job that I doubted I could handle is actually one I can and would certainly be able to do and do well and that this morning in my semi-warm post-shower drip, I applied for it, causing me to be slightly late to work, but hell, it's FRIDAY, people, and I have better things to do than worry about being on time to put labels on envelopes, photocopy contracts, and chase people who refuse to read and hit 'reply' to emails I crafted with very creative and kind words.

And now as I sit at my desk and hear clearly all the people who are speaking at the Texas sales meeting in less then 2 weeks--I wonder do I really have to go if I'm hearing all this now? But so what, because it's FRIDAY people, and I've checked out of this place a long time ago.

ran dom

Hi,

It's been a while, so I thought I should give the Internet an update.

I procrastinated on a project for work all week and it took me less than an hour to do and it was quite painless.
My boss just got promoted to that thing right below a president. Ick.
I've been eating pumpkin seeds this afternoon and they're the spicy kind.
I've been a huge gym procrastinator, I'm up to 2 times in 2 weeks. Is it really that hard? Maybe I should see above and realize that going can be quite pain-less.
I feel much better than last week--I now forget that my left ear is blocked.
I made brownies last night, skipping out on an egg and reducing the butter and sugar by a few smidges--all would have gone well if I had reduced the time to bake more than a few smidges. They're a little hard. Yowzas.
I'm looking forward to a spa day on Saturday, beers with friends, house shopping, and talking about our next vacation. After so many overseas trips, we have decided to stay in the country. After all, I still haven't been to California. Hawaii would be fun, too...

Is this work day over yet?

The Weekend has me thinking

On Friday's drive home from the second doctor's appointment that week I ended up talking to my mother and getting frustrated so easily again and it made me sad. When I hung up I wondered how things had become so difficult and why it is so hard to get through the little things I wanted to say. Sometimes I wonder if I still act like a teenager with her.

Instead of copping out on seeing old, great, best friends for dinner in the city, I agreed to venture out into the arctic chill to meet them. For the first part of dinner I felt distant; I couldn't stop feeling stressed about work. The mistake. Was my boss going to be angry with me on Monday after skipping out of work early again, leaving her with the outstanding issues, the inconsistencies of our quarterly process?

I started wondering if it was my anxiousness and anxiety about work and about my mother which made me believe that I was beginning to feel like the third wheel with friends. I hung out with them so many times over the years, they have seen me grow up from emaciated to out of control, from a child into a woman.

I got a stomach ache that night and learned to keep it under wraps after so many miserable outings of feeling sick and being worried about drawing attention from others. I ended up telling of my evening to bub, sleepy on the couch, late that night.

The next morning was easier. The gym was temporarily therapeutic, the sweat and work I put my body through to shed the stress and anxiety of work. Had my last email to my boss at 12:33am that morning been curt, rude? I read and reread.

We went to church and I listed to how we each have a mission to fulfill. An easy homily. An easy rule. Hard to figure out, apparently. I watched the woman on the podium rub her eyes; she can't see. She clutches onto the chairs as she feels for her safety.

We go out last night for a date and do not cop out and watch movies on t.v. until much later, after drinks at a remote bar. Its dark shadows, brick walls, dim lanterns make me feel like we're tourists at a trendy bar in a faraway place. Paris. Spain. I've never been there.

The air is warmer.

We see houses today. We are filled with hope. We don't feel the future lingering. We know we won't share the space with our children. It's not right.

It's not perfect.

We see my parents and I wonder if I'm too harsh with my demands for an upstairs/downstairs house, not a ranch, one with a porch, garage, and yard. That their new room could be a master bedroom. I laugh, my mother makes a noise and I wonder if my joke wasn't a joke to her.

My dad is lively and my mom sends us with scones, a recipe for them, and love. My dad and I hug goodbye and he comes back for another one and then another one.

I wonder if they're okay.

I wonder if I am.

And there's the laundry to do.

Now.

Bad writer

I just feel like one. And I've had the pleasure of consuming three glasses of Syrah, but don't worry, my last dose of Sudafed has already worn off...and yes, the ear is still blocked.

So I came across this video tonight on one of my past (and still present) favorite sites (hint, hint brides!), wedding bee.

I was never this out of control and hopefully no one--and I mean NO ONE will ever embarrass themselves like this (wedding or otherwise)! Geesh.

Under is over

Hi,

I'm still not feeling very well. Left ear is still blocked and throat is weird, too. No strep though, but wait a minute, 12-year-old-looking doctor didn't even give me a test for that, so he could be wrong and inexperienced and wrong.

So I take Sudafed and Benadryl, as prescribed. He was so helpful, he wrote that down on a piece of computer paper for me, reminding me that those are not prescription drugs.

Hi, I don't live in a hole, I think I know that.

So, he says I'll feel better this morning as in today as in by now I should feel smashing. Except wait, I stayed home today. Yes, stayed home. Stayed home sick.

Ear is still blocked.

Anyway, speed things up to something exciting. We just finished watching the last episode ever of 6 Feet Under. Except we thought there was one more season and then wait, we started to see everyone dying. And it was morbid, but wait, that is like 90% of the show's premise.

Anyway, I want to write to the creator because the show was really...different...and I'm definitely going to have withdrawls.

Withdrawls with a blocked ear. Yeah.

Leaving soon

Yup, I did it. I told my boss:

Hey, my ear is blocked and my throat feels weird... Hey! I'm sick!

And she told me to do what I have to do (after searching my eyes for any clues that I might be lying-which I am NOT) because after asking the urgent care nurse to repeat herself 4 times since my left ear is blocked (and I'm a lefty, thank you), I am leaving soon to drive 1 hour to my primary care physician's office, which is a hospital, which is OUT OF THE WAY to see another doctor-because you guessed it-my doctor isn't working and oh, they can't refer me to another closer office because of dumb, hospital, healthcare, yucky rules and so I get to see one Dr. F. Because Ripe just might have strep since apparently all the symptoms are there.

Great.

Update

I had a good weekend despite the head cold which hasn't left, but has changed.

I now think I have an ear ache. I can't really hear out of my left ear and it's so bizarre because I rarely have ear issues aside from a little water in there from swimming during the summer.

Since winter has finally arrived and my toes are still frozen from this morning's trek across the parking lot and into my office, you all now know that water (from swimming) is not found in my ear.

But I want this to go away because I do not want to see my doctor. She is not only inconvenient by working like one day a week since she's supermommy, she works in a busy hospital which means I battle ambulances and every medical worker moseying around to get to the parking garage and then there's the parking in there which can take years, the long haul through multiple floors only to find her office where some old person sits, stares at you, complains of something and says my appointment was at _______ and fills in a time hours before yours, making you think that making an appointment is a complete waste of time.

The good news:

We had our carpets cleaned on Saturday and they look like new. Not as in they look good, they look NEW

We received our parents' wedding albums on Saturday, which came out quite lovely.

Today is our 6-month wedding anniversary : )

Trying to fight it

But I'm sick.

My throat has been sore for the past 2 days. I've felt useless at work because my head kills, my eyes ache, and I just don't care. Oh, and those chills? I've got them.

But I won't go home. I feel like I'll be thought of as a cop out.

Oh, she's sick. Yeah, on a Friday afternoon--isn't that sort of sudden? Hmmm.

Because I am the worst at showing symptoms. I usually just say I don't feel well and people stand back but I don't sound funny nor is my nose running--yet. And so people forget that I don't feel good--don't sound bad enough to need to go home. And the thing is that I usually don't like to tell people I don't feel well. Because I hate that standing back thing people do when I tell them I might be getting the flu. And I just hate the empty words of "hope you feel better" when I know they're thinking well, she sounds and looks normal.

I hate telling my boss if I ever have to leave early or come in late or if I'm sick. I feel like she thinks I'm lying, that I just want to get out of something, or that I'm preparing to go home, change into a suit and head off to an intense interview.

Right. That's never the case. I mean, it hasn't been in a while.

My last interview was after work hours, anyway.

I was that girl

I was that girl who, after 10 years, returned to an orthodontist's office to have molds made for new retainers.

I looked at Alberto straight in the face in my most grown up way ever and asked for blue retainers and questioned if I should get sparkles or not because, well, I am 26 after all.

He said he thought they were cute, so I went for it.

Alberto definitely glanced at my chest too. I totally caught him. And it's not like I was wearing some tight cleavage bearing shirt (hello? I was off to work straight after the appointment). Maybe he wanted to remind me that I'm not a kid and that I'm probably their only adult patient.

I pick up my retainers next week.

*

I was that girl who, after any doctor's appointment--even the dentist--even the orthodontist--will find a coffee shop (most likely a Starbucks because hey, is anyone original out there who makes coffee?).

After ordering a nice yummy soy mocha in a size larger than I usually get because hey, I get to get blue sparkles retainers that will cost me over $1,000 (yes, you read that right--and it's not even a fun thing I'm buying here--and yes--I do have insurance--but even after they pay what they claim they'll pay--it'll still be a bill worth more than a nice shopping spree for me), I start walking to my car because I'm a good girl and even though I skipped the gym these past few days I figured, I can walk a block or so back to my car sans gloves, holding my toasty drink and that can be my lame attempt at morning exercise. But wait, my shoe had to start sliding off; damn slingbacks! So, in the graceful way that I do things I gave myself a little surprise and perfectly dripped coffee down my coat and on my sleeve and yeah, all over my hand. Okay, I say to myself. Okay. The coat is black. No sweat. But as I continue my walk back to the car that now seems like a very looong way, my hands are now numbing and I realize: No, no. I can't wait. This soy stuff will dry on my coat and how can I let that happen? And knowing full well that as soon as I get to the car that there is a napkin waiting for me in my lunch bag, I stop anyway--about a dozen parking spots away from my car. I perch in front of some still-closed-because-it's-too-early-in-the-morning-business and I was that girl.

I was that girl who was using a maxi pad to wipe up her soy mocha which had splattered on her coat and sleeve and hand.

And I'm okay with it. I am an adult just cleaning up a mess and to me a sanitary napkin is just for that very emergency.

Luckily when I made it to the office nothing happened that made me feel like I was 13 again, getting braces and having people poke around my teeth to see what fun ugly wires and elastics and head gear they could fit inside (and outside) my head. And there, when I finally got around to eating my lunch, was my trusty napkin.

What a relief.

iThis and iThat and this lurking business

This will be quick or else I'll be late. And we all know how I do well with being on time (I slipped a few times this week as far as being on time for work goes).

So, a couple of things:

The iPhone came up an alarmingly crazy number of times yesterday. I'm all for a cool phone, but sometimes you have to remember that hey, it's a phone! Make calls and go to your computer when you want to be a media maniac.

Second, I got a shuffle for Christmas and as daily editor knows, I love it. It's perfect. It makes me move at the gym (although I'm not sure I'll have time to make it there today. The excuses never end!) But I have yet to download a number of items. So so far, I've just bought some new stuff. So, little cyberspace buddies, please recommend your favorite song to work out to here! I really want a fun and different repertoire of tunes.

Happy Weekend!
RFR

Asshat

It's Friday, ya'll. I hear this word "Asshat" more and more and I have to say I like it.

But not as much as fuck face. OK. No more cursing now.

So yes, it's Friday. I'm in the office for 1/2 a day today as I am off to a meeting off-site early this afternoon. And afterwards I'll be so close to home that I won't be returning to the office (yay!) and instead, I'll go to the jewelry store where bub and I purchased our wedding bands. Because after so much talk of people getting engaged recently...ahem...you know who you are...you have inspired me to get my rings steam cleaned and to have a reason to talk jewelry talk with...well...jewelry people. I am very good about cleaning my rings, but sometimes you just need them steamed, you know?

***

I was feeling quite sick yesterday evening so as to cancel plans with a friend who I have not seen in quite a while. It was quite the scene. Bub comes home to find me on the couch in my work clothes with a blanket up to my chin watching Flashdance as though I had never seen it before. I would not talk to him except during commercials (which is so not me) until I realized that that was silly. I've seen the movie before and I haven't seen my husband all day and it's important that despite my not feeling well, that I hear him out and learn what sorts of things I missed.

Then I turned into a couch bug. I would not get up. So bub had to pry me off the couch. Then I stuck to him in one of those hugs that means don't let me go. I hurt. I'm cold. I have aches.

So he said let's get you in your PJ's. And he started to help me put on my pink fleece sleep things and I thought this is good practice for him if we should ever have kids. He started to pull my turtleneck sweater off when I realized that my hair was going with it. I screamed in pain. Then I told him how this is was supposed to be in preparation if we were to have a daughter some day and he said I don't think I would be taking off my daughter's bra.

And that was the end of that.

i pulled into the parking lot at exactly 9:03 this morning. i looked at the clock on my phone at my desk and it said 9:07. this is my exact arrival time, but there's a slight possibility that i arrived one minute earlier (9:06) seeing as how i did not look at the phone clock at the exact moment i got to my desk. no, i took off my rain slick coat, put down my bags, including lunch, and proceeded to open my laptop bag.

i'm going to forgive myself for being a little tardy because it's raining in a psycho manner outside.

we had our christmas gift exchange with my family yesterday. i got this yummy tea i was hoping santa would purchase for me. it's heaven, really. we also got a new dvd player as ours died and it was very difficult watching episodes of Six Feet Under on a small computer screen and not being able to pop in your wedding video to check out the way people looked as bub and i declared our love for one another.

the other day, i discovered a cool 'shared blog': Indie Bloggers. they're actually looking for creative pieces to post and they can be posts you've already posted in your blog. the thing is, there might 1 or 2 pieces only out of my entire blog, which was started in the fall of 05 that might get a read, but might get tossed to the general posts page--or looked over completely.

the thing is, i need to get more creative. but it's been a struggle to do so here. sometimes it's forced. sometimes i just want to bitch and moan. sometimes i just want to be me, and making sure i have no spelling mistakes and decent grammar is all i can handle.

so one of my resolutions is to take it up a notch. i'm not sure how, but maybe you'll let me know when i have.

eh

whenever i order Thai food, I can't steer clear from the damn drunken noodles. the place we agreed to catch up and discuss bikini waxes, periods and how our friend doesn't get one when she's lying down in bed until the next morning was a new try since it's near one of my best friend's new house.

i'm slightly inebriated as i write this. today was christmas with my family. my sister had been away (on her first international trip ever) and since we went to MD to see my inlaws, we hadn't had a chanc to exchange gifts.

the pats took full control of our afternoon as we watched with wide eyes and anticipated breath as to whether they would remain in playoff status. well they are, just in case you didn't know.

the visit concluded with a trip to legals, a favorite of my father's. i have no complaints there and i'm now full and drunk off of 2 glasses of shiraz. well, not super drunk, but bitter that we have work in a little over 12 hours.

blech. ewww.

random

I'm going to a large la-tee-da meeting for work in Texas during the week of V-day. Not sure how I feel about it. I first dreaded the fact that I may have to, but I've never been to Texas and our hotel looks sort of nice.

Our parent album designs are finally DONE. After a lot of back and forth due to my obsessive compulsive behavior (or left over bridezilla behavior), I have tearfully viewed the photos bub and I selected for our parents to view and reminisce about. We have been watching the video more often than I thought: sharing it with family and friends and so forth, but there's something old fashioned about photos in a book you can look at without the need for a machine.

We're picking up our housing search again tomorrow (or so I hope). I'm treating looking for one like I would a new job. Too bad when you look for a new job, the expectation is such that you will get paid more, whereas with a house, you pour out your pockets and sign away your soul to a mortgage you'll have for the next bazillion years.

More later.

A vent

over wine and tiny handfuls of white chocolate chips left over from the swap last month (year). I would make dinner, but it's so much more fun when Bub is home and we cook together. Sigh.

So the job thingy that I mentioned in a past post? Yeah, well I totally called it. The dude told me to be in touch in the New Year. So after work last night I promptly contacted him to say Happy New Year (great minds think alike clink!) and this morning I get an email from him. Before I open it, I know what it's going to say.

Dear Ripe,

We haven't yet filled X position (another position, not the one I want--this was the one I originally applied for but was told I would be bored with in 6 months....mmk) but I will be in touch at that crossroad which may be a few to several months.

Best regards,
Potential New Manager Person

Yes, he wrote "few" and "several" just like that. They are practically the same thing. I called it because when we met he said that he was originally going to start interviewing for this job in the spring. He may have wanted to stress that the start time for this position would be later. But no--I get my hopes up because he's leaving the ball in my court. Well I had it and threw it back and now I have to wait. Great.

Now, if I were really cool, I could say: Hey new almost manager person, I have all sorts of other prospects in the works. I can't wait. But you see, I haven't been really aggressively looking. I should. I should because current job is what I believe would be a dead end job for moi. No offense, but I'm in a department that's all wrong. I'm ABC, not XYZ. I don't want to be a fill-in-the-blank-I-don't-want-to-offend-anyone-who-might-read-this-and-hold-this-position, which is what my boss (current) says my "path" is. Screw that, people. Screw that.

Next vent:
I'm tired. I had firm plans to be productive yesterday, today. I sit at my desk and I joke around with co-workers. I check blogs, and I feel slightly guilty because I should do more and more work because there's enough of it. My motivation has soured because anyone (I have convineced myself) can do this. Even if you really couldn't do this job, my boss makes it so that you absolutely can because she is a baby-er, a hand hold-er.

Please leave me alone, boss.

Good news is that I've been on time for work this year so far. Only 363 more days to keep it up!

House, on my mind...

Some of you know Bub and I found a home we really liked several months ago, surprisingly soon thereafter our nuptuals ceremony. We determined that it was too soon to pounce, too soon to invest, too soon, too soon. We would stay put in our little condo.

Here we are, a couple of months later, many more open houses later, and we think back to the little brown number on Coronation Road and how we liked to call it Coronary Road (and how we thought that's not really very funny, is it?).

And some of you know that said house sold.

And we hang our heads sadly over in Cleveland Circle, not because we don't love our bright space near the city, or that we have enjoyed hanging new artwork on the welcoming walls. Sure, we had a small leak in the roof and we're happy to report that come springtime, we'll take care of that little spot. We have some paint peeling in the bathroom and the kitchen needs a new fridge among other things.

You see, we'll probably keep this little space and rent it out when we don't move to Coronation Road to expand into a bigger home where we can spread out all of the wedding mementos that lie crammed into tiny crevices of our one bedroom. To spread out all the piles of stuff we have peeking out from under the bed. Where we can utilize a basement instead of filling a wooden box of sorts which has been locked inside a large basement that our entire building shares.

We love our home where we planned the wedding, painted together (or Bub mostly painted), where we have the choice of three different train lines going into the city and our own covered parking spot.

But we also want a family...some day. And I have dreams of a bright nursery, a yard, a tree or two, with birds chirping (not trains honking and squeaking). I do enjoy the city, though. I do. It's energy, it's dirty vigor. I enjoy our cozy spot there.

And now I don't know what else to say.

Out with the Old, in with the New

So here we are! 2007! Happy New Year!

We had a fun day and night yesterday. We bummed around most of today with one venture into the rain for salty food and the ultimate hangover cure drink: Diet Coke with a wedge of lime. Ohhh, so yummy.

I just finished going through my part of the filing cabinet and desk as far as papers go. It had been a long time since I went through old pay stubs from my first job, old checks that had been voided, paperwork for my old car, stubs from my first payments of my new car. So much had piled up. Most of it stated my old name. It was weird how my status has changed and now my identity. My new last name quietly started appearing on more and more documents.

On Friday, at what has turned into a weekly manicure appointment, I had a run in with two fellow high school classmates. I was half surprised and half not to come to learn the actions that would take place. Classmate A was a friend from nursery school. Then we parted separate ways to our respective elementary schools. Then in middle, and later in high school, she would become one of the many snobs lurking in the hallways, at the lockers, eyeing us in the cafeteria, and even in the classroom. So I was not surprised by her behavior: a look up and down at me and then back to choose her color before proceeding to the pedicure space.

For the record, I have not been on Extreme Makeover. I have never dyed my hair--not even highlights, and I was the only person with my first name in our class of 256 students. This girl KNEW me. And as adults, I was shocked to find that a mere hello or acknowledgement that we are human BEINGS was too much for her.

In walks behind her Classmate B: class president, #2 student, now Harvard grad. She says, is that "First name, last name"? I turn and after a brief silence, state that it is. I pondered whether or not to come up with a cute reply that I was actually "First name, NEW last name". But part of me felt a disconnect from Classmate B. Part of me felt like it's not my nature to blurt out these things. I felt like it was sort of privileged news to share. Which is weird since my rings announce this very fact. Anyway, after a mere couple of questions, I learn a thing or two about her. And then I get:

You're acting so serious.

And for a second. I think. Okay. This girl is nice. This girl used to be my friend. Truly. And then of course, we drifted and it was okay. And there were no bad feelings. But I was already being judged. And it has been 9 years (scary) since we graduated. So I replied with the usual: I am? And the conversation faded out from there.

When she walked away I didn't internalize her words, for once, although writing about this incident might imply this is the case. But I'm okay. I'm okay with who I am, who I was, and who I strive to become.

2007, here I come.

Like Magic

I can't believe 2006 is almost over. I remember toasting with Bub and friends last year as the ball dropped. We were at a bar. My friend was insanely drunk and I remembered that it had snowed while we were inside drinking beers.

I also remember when one of Bub's friends toasted our glasses and said, "This is your year. 2006. Only 7 months to go..." And we'll be married.

And so here we are.

Now it's time for us to focus forward. What will this year bring? We are so blessed with friends, family, good health, and happiness. What more could there be? A house perhaps? A baby (I can't believe I just wrote that!), a new job...new friends...new, new, new. And so as we all prepare to ring in the New Year, I like to think of a line from one of the Anne of Green Gable's movies. Her teacher is trying to talk Anne through some mishap she's had. I think it's when she was fighting with her classmate. Was it Gilbert Blythe? I don't remember...anyway...her teacher said something like: Remember, Anne, tomorrow is a new day, fresh without any mistakes. And as I wash my face for bed each night, I like to think I've washed off the day: being late to work, the long run, and the typing and staring at my laptop while bright, artificial office lights beat down on me like fake sunlight.

And for the New Year, it is just that: new. And we all have yet another chance to find the magic.

On Time

There is hardly a soul here at the office. However, my boss is as present as ever. This is my only day of work this week and I'm happy to have that to think about for the remainder of the day!

I just wanted to share that I was on time today! I even had enough time to hit Starbucks before getting here, too. Now if I was only this motivated (knowing this is my only day of work) all the time so that I wasn't ever "late" again...

More later.

On the drive home, I pondered where my life is going. It was all very cliche. As I drove the long stretch of highway through Maryland, then Pennsylvania, into New York, Connecticut, and finally Here, I wondered where I was going. Me, my life, my character, my being. Was I happy with me? Did I exude the kindness and generosity that is expected? Was I still the bratty younger sister, the selfish daughter, who had everything? Was I grateful for good health, family, and friends? Did I recognize everything and yet, did I take each day for granted?

Instead of reflecting on these things and creating New Year's resolutions for the fresh beginning, I find myself thinking of renewal, fresh days without mistakes during Fourth of July fireworks. I know, strange. But yet, something about the color, the warmth, the middle of the year: it seems a more appropriate time for reflection. Although, I wasn't reflecting on new beginnings because New Year's is a week away. It was the repetitiveness of the road, the concrete, the misting rain, the chalky white lines on the road, the reflectors. The fog was appropriate too: the future is so unclear, yet we take for granted this very fact.

I don't know if it's the being married bit, but this was one of the most fun Christmas' I've had. Even though it was just the four of us, the banter, the laughter, and creating memories of Bub and me cooking our first Christmas meal together as husband and wife, were indescribable. We laughed all the way home, despite my feeling sick. I realized that although our paths are unclear--and that each day is something new to think about--and not purely an expectation--that I'm elated to have DH with whom to share the rest of my life.

Sigh...

I got a lot done today at work and during my lunch break. All gifts are set and wrapped. I haven't yet packed for our journey to MD tomorrow. I also need to eyeball ingredients and familiarize myself with the Christmas dinner recipes Bub and I have offered to prepare as we enjoy cooking. It may seem strange since we're going somewhere for Christmas and why would we, the journeying guests do the cooking? Well, it's just worked out that way and I'm fine with it. It keeps me busy, keeps my tummy happy, and allows me to contribute to the in-law household!

I also need to clean the car, check the fluids--yay, oil. Yay, gas. And hopefully a trip to the gym can happen since we'll be planted on our butts for 8 hours.

So...I'm tuckered out here and signing off until I don't know when. I should be able to post something between tomorrow and Tuesday, but just in case:

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!

Love,
Ripe

Thursday morning news

Today is my "Friday"--and here are a few things to share:

-Bub wrapped my gifts last night. For the first time ever I'm being SO good and keeping away so that I do not know what the heck he is up to. However, there was most certainly a Tiffany's box with a red ribbon amongst the packages. I was squealing this morning. I was also moaning because I have major cramps. So not fun.

-I am never quite on time for work. You see we have flex time, but most people are in here around 9. If you're an engineer, I've noticed, feel free to stroll in around noon. That's a bit much if you ask me. Anyway, ever since I was younger I've been pushed, rushed, prodded along to hurry up. Work is an extension of this eh, bad habit. I stroll in around 9:20 at times. Today was 9:22. Don't worry. I skip lunch or I stay late, no problem. But when that alarm goes off (we all know it's a bitch to make it to the gym in the morning, but even if I do, that still assists me in being tardy). So please, people. Help me be on time in 2007. How am I ever going to be a good Mom when I'm the one holding people up??

-As I said, I have cramps and hate the first day. I hate it. I feel nauseous, fat, bloated, you name it. I so wanted to stay home.

-I'm 1 gift and 2 stocking stuffers away from being done with gifts. I swear. I said this yesterday. I really am serious. I need to hit a bookstore, Dunkins, and then I am really done. I always question if I got people enough. When is enough? Ugh! But our tree looks great. So many wrapped gifts and no more shopping bags lying around. We also have a bunch of grapefruits, courtesy of one of Peter's co-workers. Yay. Grapefruit!

-Since I was late--again--I am off to get stuff done. Yes, I will be productive today. I'll try to post again tonight because tomorrow we'll be in a car all day. Yikes.

Warm Fuzzies

- When I left for work this morning, as the car was warming, I heard a honk. I looked over and this woman who lives in our building who I say hello to from time to time wanted to get my attention so that she could wave. I smiled and waved.

- I got home from work first tonight, earlier than I had planned since I told Bub I was going to be late to do some shopping (I have 1-2 more gifts left, that's it!). I had good luck, so I was home 1/2 hour earlier than I thought. There were many Christmas cards waiting for us as there have been the last few days. So far, no one has mistakenly written my maiden name on any. The majority have been to Mr. & Mrs. Bub. None were addressed to Ripe, though.

- I went onto our wedding photographer's web site to see how they have updated it. The last time I looked they had some photos of us up there. They had completely redesigned it and put candids of Bub and I interspersed with other couples. I ran out of the room to tell Bub who came running after me to see.*

*The parents' albums are currently being worked on and we should see sample proofs soon... I can't wait! Then we can finish selecting what we want for ours...

Sunday Update

Since my last post I got some wrapping done, finished my snail mail correspondence, showered, folded some laundry and went to the mall. Since Bub reads this, I can't disclose the items I purchased for him, but I was successful.

I tried to avoid it, but had to do it. I finished up shopping--or should I say squeezed in one final store before departing for my sister's birthday dinner. I went to Sephora. Yes, people, I got sucked in. It started out as grabbing items for my mom and sister. I even looked around thinking there might be something small for my dad as as a stocking stuffer. What?? Yeah, no luck there. Then I caved.

I needed powder. The one I had until only moments ago was almost 2 years old. You heard me. Just a ring of makeup in a hollow black container. Gross and totally not working anymore. I will now no longer need to swirl my brush around 5 and 6 times to get something on it to put on my face. I needed mascara. I'm all for the brown kinds. The store had a great display with a diagram to help you find just the right one, but they were all in black. But if I was going to get mascara, then I needed to get what I needed the absolute most: lip gloss. But I wanted to venture into the lipstick territory. I wanted something that made sense since I'm Mrs. Natural Look.

So I picked the dark, long curly black hair, wild glasses, with semi-loud makeup--but all very tastefully done--girl to assist me with my purchases. About 1/2 hour later I'm walking out with powder, brown mascara (phew!), gloss lipstick, and lip exfoliator b/c who knew you had to do that to your lips and God knows mine turn to hell in the winter.

The funny part is, this woman didn't push a thing on me. I asked her for help with the mascara brand, the lipstick, the powder, and the lip exfoliator thing was just by chance something I needed and didn't know. Or wait, was that a sales tactic?

Anyway, that's the update. Ugh, thank goodness this is a short work week. And next week: even shorter.

Right now

I'm wearing my pj's and doing laundry. I'm about to finish writing some notes to people and wrap up all the snail mail correspondence for a while.

I'm about to start and hopefully finish wrapping Christmas gifts. Today I will finish getting everything I need to. Just a little more for my Mom and sister.

Today is my sister's birthday. We will probably be dining out somewhere this evening. I'm slightly annoyed with her. Over a month ago I asked her if she'd like to go to a spa for her gift. I would pay for her massage. Well, due to the fact that this was her gift, I was going to bum around Newbury Street while she got pampered. She agreed to the day and time and we made plans to do something after--grab a drink or meal. There was even an invitation to go to her place and hang.

I get a call 1 hour before she is supposed to meet me at my place. She says she needs to reschedule. She volunteers at a shelter and decided to adopt this kitty who has been badly injured but recovering well. I knew she was selected to adopt him and she was psyched about it. I don't want to say she was lying, but she said she was at the shelter for four hours trying to have a cage fit into her car. I don't mean to be selfish since this is her birthday gift, not mine, but hello? Why did she have to get the cat at that same time? So I say you know, I sort of feel blown off and then I get about a zillion, Now I feel so bad's. So the thing that pissed me off is that in her defense she says well, you wouldn't have had fun waiting for me while I had my massage, anyway. What???

Bub is at the grocery store now and there's so much to get done today. Christmas is only 8 days away. I'm excited for our road trip to Maryland to see Bub's parents. Blasting Christmas songs and chatting...We're going to DC on Saturday to visit one of my best friends in her hood. It should be a fun weekend. We offered to cook Christmas dinner too. I love baking and cooking and already announced to my parents that next Christmas, we're hosting! Yay!

***So I just talked to my sister. She feels really bad about yesterday. She's rescheduled the spa treatment, so we've made amends.

I'm off to wrap.

I'm currently finishing my sips of the nonfat raspberry no-whip mocha Bub so kindly picked up for me on his way back from his weekly run with the boys. He's so sweet.

So I'll cut to the chase and be done with it.

Thursday I wound up spending time with my Mom. My dad called while I was with her to say that the vet had contacted him, letting him know that Felix was not in good shape. At the most, she could see him surviving a month or less only if we did a bunch of 24-7 stuff at our house. She suggested we not bring him back home. He could no longer go to the bathroom (litterbox), and he was quite frail. So we didn't want him to be uncomfortable. We all met up at the vet to see my childhood pet one last time. He was all of 5 pounds since his kidneys weren't working and they had him on meds. He had the cutest kitty bandage on his paw. Little blue paw prints on a white background.

His eyes were still so intense. At some moments they look golden and shimmery, at others, green and clear. It was like he knew the prognosis wasn't good. He's usually a ball of energy, but he was mellow. His tail wagged often at times and then he sort of chilled. He was so, so tiny due to the weight loss. But when I went to kiss my kitty goodbye, I looked deep into his stunning eyes to let him know it was me, the girl in 5th grade who cradled him in her lap, who was so anxious to return from school, and college, and work, and then during visits--to feel his warmth, purs, and love. To slip him food scraps, pet him like crazy, give him a scratching behind the ears and on his neck.

He wasn't there. And for a minute I was surprised at the fact that I was relieved we were saying our goodbyes so that we could let this little creature be in peace and without pain.

I'll always miss him.

Felix

My mom just called to let me know that my kitty of 18 years is at the vet and his kidneys are failing. My cat, who is so precious, who has been through everything with me from the 5th grade all the way through my wedding, is sick.

This just sucks. I'm going to swipe out my plans and go see my little friend at the vet.

Lots to say

I've already had 2 cookies today (for breakfast). Our work cookie swap was a success. There was one other girl in my group with the same first name as me (which happens almost never)--we both made chocolate something cookies, so I like to think "Great ________ think alike"...

I have today OFF. OFF people. I feel sort of weird about it b/c it's been a while that I've intentionally taken a day off just because and also took it off outside of the weekend. I'm a big fan of taking Fridays off (I love those more than Mondays, when I feel like I'm always wondering what people are up to at the office, but for some reason I just know that on Friday everyone is itching to get the heck out of the office and then you have the rest of your weekend to follow). So why today? Why a Thursday??? Well, tomorrow night is my office party and I don't take a day off from work to get away from it all--including coworkers (who are nice, but you look forward to the break)--if I'm going to see my boss that same night! Plus I have a publisher lunch tomorrow afternoon anyway.

Tonight is Bub's holiday party. It's at an upscale restaurant and they've had it there for the past 2 years. It's all about free-flowing wine and very little munchies (or so it seems to me because when we leave, I'm like: Bub, we have to go get a burrito somewhere!). The free-flowing wine got me into trouble the first year. Everytime I turned around my glass was being filled. I semi-started an argument with one of Bub's coworkers about writing a book about something that had happened to him and I think I was a bit pushy (sorry!), and apparently, after the party was over and Bub and I had commit to having more drinks with this coworkers (not a good idea for me!), but intead, I just jumped into a cab--picture a girl coming out of a restaurant, booking it across the street to a cab, leaving Bub to fend for himself. Well, he caught up with me. But then I became 'whiny, bitchy girl' and so a little argument insued. I don't think it was little, actually. Wine can be evil, people.

Last year was much better. I drove, so I had no reason to allow the nice servers to keep pouring wine into my glass. But tonight I take the train. I will leave even earlier than I would have in past years to see Bub's boss who wants to give us our wedding gift in the lovely club upstairs from their office. What could it be? Hmmm.

So that's the plan. What am I doing on my day off? Well. My mom has today off too, so we may hang out. But first I have to go to the gym, finish Christmas card...make sure I know what I'm wearing to said parties. The list goes on. So now I must go. No more blogging for now.

All you happy people, have a great Thursday! : )

Tonight

I made 3 dozen Chocolate Drop Cookies with Heath Bars, Vanilla Chips, and Pecans. I started mixing in all the goodness of this recipe. I did the dutiful licking of the mixer thingy's that pop into the electric hand mixer. I wiped my lips, washed my hands, went to grab my spoons to drop the gooey yumminess of my homemade cookies for our work's cookie swap (my idea, thankyouverymuch) when I thought...hmmm...these don't seem so chocolatey. In fact, they seem so lumpy with all the chips, nuts, and candy bits. I was slightly annoyed. I'm a lover of chocolate, the brown stuff, fudge...YUM! This is when I realized that I hadn't mixed the dry ingredients with the moist. And boy, was I in HEAVEN when the two were mixed. Bub came in and this time it was he who licked the mixer thingy's (don't worry, I washed them clean after the first round of licks).

Fast forward 1/2 hour later, I have a sweet-smelling kitchen and we're off to the gym. Great workout: 2-mile run, lots of stretching (which I always neglect), good ab moves--even the hard ones--all while Bub played pick-up soccer downstairs. I could see him through the window. They wore "pennys" like you did when you were in gym class at elementary school. And I remember them being all sweaty. And I hated wearing them. But seeing Bub wear one brought me back to feeling like a kid--I remember kickball--and how fun and easy it was to be young(er), even though it was so "hard" back then...or so we thought. Seeing Bub blocking the opponent from scoring made me feel the anxiousness of who was going to come into contact with me during gym class--and how I could slip into the sea of kids and not be called out. I liked it better that way. Just blend in and I won't have to call any attention to myself, the shy girl...

Anyway, the cookies are packed away. There are even some for Bub to take to work. This time tomorrow I'll have an assortment of yummy cookies to devour...if only I could be so sure of my gym schedule.

When Bub and I first started dating, he had just celebrated his fifth work anniversary. Well, his work has a fabulous idea of giving out Tiffany gifts to those deserving of them (read: those celebrating notable anniversaries). We had probably been dating almost 6 months when he surprised me with earrings from there. I was sort of shocked that he had selected (with the help of one of his female coworkers, I hear) earrings to give to me: the girl who was always bumming around by herself, sans boyfriend, who, at the time, had not a clue that we would be here today: married. Am I complaining? No way.

Tonight I went to the store to pick up the earrings as I had had them cleaned. They had been shut in my jewelry box due to a missing earring backing--well, that's not a good enough reason--they were really, really unclean...and hadn't seen the light of day mostly because I forgot about them. I know--what is wrong with me? So I picked them up tonight and they're just like new. I'm thinking of busting them out tomorrow in place of the same little diamond studs I always don.

This year, Bub celebrates 10 years with his firm. You guessed it: more Tiffany's.

I hadn't intended on writing about Tiffany's tonight. But this is what came out. Sorry, I must sound a bit ridiculous.

I'm not sure what my point here is except that when you celebrate your fifth year anniversary at my office you get some clock (and from afar it looks like nothing grand) and at ten years--a set of book ends. Woohoo. People, we get up at the crack of dawn and spend more time at our desk doing our job than we are enjoying life and after 5 and 10 years of service we get a measley clock???? What is that?

And, believe me, I've totally tried to help Bub pick out cufflinks or a watch or something from the turquoise-branded store, but he's just not into it.

A few tidbits

Winter is totally coming. The cold weather has arrived--sadly enough--and there's no more walking outside, smelling spring and breathing in anticipation as I waited to walk down the aisle...

The summer has long been over, but now that the cold weather has made its way to Boston, Christmas is truly in the air. I listen to carols constantly at work through XM since you get a free account online if you have a subscription set up, say, in your car. It's great. I sit in THE only cube in my department and couldn't care less which scrooges hear the "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow" and "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way" from their desks. Deal with it, people. It's not THAT distracting (since I have it on the lowest possible volume setting, anyway).

We're getting our tree today. We were too cold to deal on Friday and yesterday. We're going downstairs to storage to get the cute little bobbles we've stashed away until the time presents itself in which it's necessary that we decorate. And boy, are we ready; the time has come!

We attended a wine tasting party last night among good friends, mostly good wine (too many shiraz's though!) and the whole thing was just so cozy. I love meeting friends of friends too, hearing about their holiday traditions and what's important to them. I felt there were several prods at "when YOU have kids" or "enjoy it now when you can sleep through the night" and we were one of two couples who didn't have to hurry home to let the babysitter go home.

Bub's friend who hosted the party is going to propose to his girlfriend next weekend. I stared at her a few times during the night. A sweet girl with good intentions who I think has changed the Friend quite a bit into a mature guy, I wondered how she would react. It sounds like they have been talking about it, but would she cry like I did, would she be grouchy from last minute holiday stress stuff and then feel bad when he got down on one knee (or would he?)? Would they be at their house by their tree near their fireplace or would they be outdoors, seeing the stars?

I thought back to my own special day, August 12, 2005, when Bub surprised me, and the tears, excitement and happiness which followed were the newest of emotions. Then the hard work, the fun, and the anticipation. Lots of anticipation.

So it'll be our first married Christmas this year. We've shared the holidays together for 4 years. We've been together for 5.5 years on December 21st. It became too hard to say goodbye to one another when Bub left for Maryland, but even the first year, I think we still shared Thanksgiving together because he did't travel to Maryland except for Christmas. It's a funny thing bringing your best friend and love into your family's traditions. But now it seems so natural that we've done it a bunch of times already, yet it's our first married Christmas, and we'll need to mark it as such. My first Christmas as a "Mrs."

Off I must go...to find my husband who is still hanging out in bed!

Happy Day!

I'm tired and need to go wash up.

I'm writing this during my sleep. You see we just upgraded our cable and now bub is a bit more obsessed with the tube. Not YouTube, but the television. We now have a bazillion more stations and therefore more good movie choices. I think perhaps my timing was off since we are still in deep with Six Feet Under and now this. But our DVD player is dead and watching DVDs on one's computer is not as entertaining as on the tv, especially when our computer screen is made for computer-stuff.

So as I was saying, I've been asleep already. I had seen Broken Flowers before, but love its quirks and Bill Murray, so I semi-forced bub to watch it. It went something like this:

Me: You don't have to watch this, but I really liked it.
Bub: Okay (touching the remote).
Me: It's a bit slow, but trust me, it's worth it.
Bub: (silence)
Me: You don't have to watch it, really (this is after he watched at least 20 minutes of Boys on the Side, another movie must-see--a good chick flick!).
Bub: It's interesting (but the tone in which "interesting" is said seems as though bub finds it easier to agree with me).
Me: (asleep)
Bub: Go wash up.
Me: (at the freezer eating spoonfuls of low-fat vanilla, double-churned from when bub made baked apples for my parents)
Bub: Go wash up.

Well...I have yet to wash up, but the jammas are now on and bub is still in front of the tv.

I'm just too tired to tell you about my black suit interview excursion. But here are a few hints:

I got a parking ticket after I realized that I didn't have the phone number to the interviewer since I wasn't able to work the elevator (don't ask) and thought I was going to need assistance (because who else would have such issues).

I got a parking spot EXACTLY across from my destination which is amazing during rush hour and in the city.

My interviewer lives in the same town I grew up (that's one of his 3 homes, but still, a good coincidence).

My first impression of the place from my car is that they have nice windows (I knew they were on the second floor).

My first impression after seeing the office: impressed.

I was told I carry myself well, am smart, bright, have an "energy".

I was told I would be bored filling said job. So then I got a "but we were planning on hiring XYZ type of person in the spring for this job..." and then started hearing a specific tailor-made position for me.

I got scared.

I listened.

Was interviewer trying to make me an offer I couldn't resist?

I left carrying a stack of children's books, complete with pop-ups.

Bub and I worked on the "search and find" types where you have to find the candy cane, turtle, and bug in the busy illustrations.

We didn't rest until we did.

So what am I to do?

I don't know b/c I am tired and I need to go wash up.

Update

Thank God it's Friday tomorrow.

I had a phone interview tonight and honestly, I'm so tired of shaping and selling myself to people, trying to fit myself into a mold of perfection for any given opportunity. I'm tired and no, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. That was the interviewer's ONE of TWO questions he asked me. He also told me his age, how old his youngest daughter was and my brain, as dense as it can be, made me think: Is this going to be another one of those jobs I have where it closes down in two seconds and therefore my cover letter to new, prospective employers will need to have not one but two "built-in" ways of explaining in as few words as possible that I can hold--and keep--a job, but that it's the damn city of Boston that doesn't know how to keep their leases low enough so that little book publishing operations can survive?

I doubted my skills on the phone. "Well, I'm not sure I'm hearing that you can DO this?" I'm like come on! I'm 5 years out of school and I've breathed on more children's books than edited them. I'm told the fact that they're kids books doesn't matter--what about my editing in general??? Um, if you're a kids publisher, I think kids books and editing them matters. I don't want to be wishy-washy, but I don't want to lie. I just want to be. Me. And I'm so wrapped up in what I think people are going to think or did or do think of my skills that I don't know what the truth is. And therefore, I can't project it. Not without a few drinks anyway. Just kidding. What if they read this? What if they find this post??

I have an in-person interview on Monday. Black suit: be ready.

My Thanksgiving Weekend So Far

We were allowed to leave the office at 2pm on Wednesday.

Too bad I have so much hanging over my head there that I felt guilty racing out as I would usually do if I were at any of my other old jobs. I got home about 4 and proceeded in on a laundry frenzy. We have lots of folding to do, but at least I didn't have to wear bathing suit bottoms yesterday, and actually have clean underwear to last me through the weekend.

I need more underwear.

I had a roaring headache on Wednesday night, but I was still able to celebrate bubbly with bub.

It was our 4-month wedding anniversary and even though it's not the 1, 3, or even 6-month mark, it just felt more special because of the pending holiday and that we had time to recognize the anniversary. Usually we're too busy and we just quickly acknowledge that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together several months ago (and still do!) and then kiss and then go back to washing dishes or something.

He bought me long stem light, but intense pink roses.

They are perfect.

I put them in the vase that was one of our centerpiece vases at the reception. It looks like a summer arrangement; I had to cut the roses short to accomodate the large opening of the glass and the roses wanted to tip over because the buds are too heavy for their long stem parts. Anyway. He's so sweet. We enjoyed bubbly from TJ's, a very expensive $5 brand, but it was delicious and actually tasted quite similar to the bubbly they'd serve use right before our first course in Italy. Of course we followed this up with some 6 Feet and well, naturally I passed out on the couch.

Then comes yesterday: roaring cramps and bitchy whines from me and I'm not even out of the bed.

We drag our asses in the pissing rain to the Y. Yes, we were working out on the biggest pig-out day of the year. Good for us! I will meet the at least 3x a week of going to the gym quota. I will do it and then I will increase my quota and work up to running to the gym just like I used to do when I was a young girl (read: 2 years ago).

Then came the fun part. Fun in italics. Fun in quotes. Fun in a sarcastic fun sort of way.

We drove 1.5 hours out to see my mom's side of the family who I am less than thrilled about spending time with. Too much to get into, but you know the feeling when you walk into a party and you say hello to people and then you go to say goodbye to those same people after little or no conversation and the parting words are "so great to see you!"--it's fake, dumb, and outright stupid, right? That was pretty much our day. The restaurant that my uncle picked for us was one where my father spotted a mouse run across the floor, the food was lukewarm and gross, and I left feeling HUNGRY and ANNOYED that everyone gets to dine on leftovers today and I get to eat some brownies I made last night as a result of the PMS and me being bitchy--and of course because I was hungry and wanted SOMETHING that tasted GOOD.

And you may wonder why we ate out on such a holiday. Well, my mother pretty much follows the crowd of her family (fine) and she didn't want my grandmother spending it alone (neither did I). So she decided not to cook (gasp! I LOVE mom's cooking, but she was probably happy not to have to) and so we ended up in a large room needing a makeover--paint, bad smell, etc. with tables that you'd find at a bake sale covered with PAPER tablecloths. Not even enough menus to pass around.

Perhaps I'm being ungrateful (I think if I didn't know me, I would think I sound ungrateful and selfish) but I was embarrassed for my uncle who clearly doesn't understand what eating out means: you pick a place SOMEONE would actually enjoy eating at.

Don't get me wrong, there were some great moments like laughing with my dad and talking to him about how I feel like a well-paid admin in my job and how I want to feel settled and how he said you never really feel settled. He just made me feel better; he usually does. My sister and I joked around. It made for some fun banter. And then there's seeing Bub interact with my family--and those who I can't stand: the uncle who can't pick a good restaurant to save his life and so forth--and he's just downright adorable. The handshakes, him interacting with my cousin who's almost 6.

We capped off the gross-o meal with a trip to Bub's grandfather's. He's 97 and doing well. We just saw him this past weekend so we caught up on the usual: weather, what day it was, more weather, some family stories, before heading home.

And it was good to be home.

Bub has to work 1/2 day today. So for now I'm trying not to eat more brownies and getting ready to head to the gym. Then there will be some trips to the store, not because I am ready to Christmas shop but because I need to scope out what to wear to Christmas parties that are fast approaching. Yes, after yesterday's "holiday" meal, I think I deserve something new and shiny.

Happy Weekend!

Santa Wish List Item #1

So I've been doing some thinking about what I want for Christmas, well, because it's coming up soon.

And I'm obsessed with the idea of mp3's mainly because I don't have an ipod and the closest thing I've ever done with digital music is click on a song that bub purchased from itunes on the computer. I know, I'm like a little granny.

But now that we are back into our gym groove and I'm *going* more, my dinky little arm-band walkman (thanks, sis!) with about 2.1 stations on it (ones that come in without static, that is) and the fact that I didn't even have a discman--and the walkman I retired before my armband radio was true to the walkman form: it was a cassette player, makes me think it's high time I caught up with the 2000 era and get with the program.

My old job allowed me to commute via the train and so many people had their ipods on. I wasn't getting the big deal--what's wrong with reading in silence? Now that I have XM radio in my car--purely because it came with it or else I probably wouldn't have opted to sign up--I can't imagine a measley few stations on the radio with the only other option being to listen to CDs. Perhaps if I had an mp3 player I wouldn't need to think twice about XM; it would be a moot point.

So I'm doing some research into what player I want. I'm sure many would think it's a no-brainer: just get an ipod, but I want to do some research and really understand what it is that I'm starting to obsess about...

Last night

Last night after I wrote in this thing I curled up with bub and we watched House. We propped up the new pillows I purchased last week which are soft to touch and a nice warm khaki color (which is neutral by my standards since we have lots of colors going on in our home). It was warm under the covers and a very nice way to wind down the day. We shut out the lights and I heard bub's snoring before I could count to 20. I hate it when he falls asleep first; it makes me feel like I'm the last one to dream and I fear that I won't be able to drift off on my own due to the...um...noise. But alas, I did.

And then, at an hour that I learned to be around 1am and not 6am, though I was sure my alarm would sound at any moment, I heard a pounding. My heart started soaring. I feel like I've been on alert ever since I came home one night to find the three units next to ours broken into.

Could I be dreaming? No. Did I really hear something? Yes. Well if I heard something then someone else should hear something. So I listen to hear if bub is stirring and I hear no noise--no snoring, yet I learn later that he was fast asleep. He was so easily woken by the second time I called out his name. Maybe it's because I yelled it.

And it was either our bedroom door being shut or the grogginess of sleep but the noise-maker made not a loud, sharp pounding on a door, but a muffled pounding noise. After I called out to bub he woke and we waited to hear the noise again. There was indeed someone pounding. But was it on our door?

I played the part of scared girl. I needed protection. I felt pathetic. I told bub that I was scared and proceeded to pull the covers tightly around me. I couldn't see what he was doing but I heard him spring to action. Then I heard him fling open the door. Then there was a pause that seemed to last forever; I thought my god, the intruder is going to push past bub and come get me!

Instead, I heard...conversation. I think: Is this some drunk student who has lost his way? I was annoyed. But then I hear typical bub being polite and then hear him saying: Thank you. Thank you. What??

I can sort of see bub in his bathrobe pulled tightly around him when he returns to the bedroom. He is my hero and I await the news as to why someone is pounding on our door at the late hour that it was.

Our neighbor is the pounder. Bub thanked him since our neighbor only felt it important to inform us that our keys were still in the door. And instead of allowing them to remain in the lock for an actual intruder to come get us (!), he thought that pounding on the door at this late hour was the best solution.

I am so glad that our neighbor is not a psychopath.

It's been a pretty good Monday.

Despite the rain and the one long, neverending traffic light which, depending on what sort of day the world is having, cooperates or shits on your commute, it's what made me stroll in to work 10 minutes later than I should have which in turn required me to stay later. Fine.

We discovered what the crowd is like at our new gym tonight. It semi-blows. I mean so many people are there, motivated to shed calories or bulk up. On nights that are so rainy I prefer a glass of red and some Six Feet Under. But since Netflix hasn't yet made the next delivery and since there have been a few too many rainy week nights spent inside and since I finally caught up with those pounds I lost for the wedding, I figured it best that I be a bit more productive with my time.

That's what's being an adult is about, right?

Today we also found out some sort of scary news regarding the health of a family member. That's all I'll say for now as we want to know more before coming to terms with it. But I sincerely hope everything is okay. There are alot of strong and tough people out there. I like to think that I'm one but this person is even more of one, if that makes any sense.

Be well.

Fastforward: I'm drinking a second glass of Shiraz after I vowed this morning not to consume anything alcoholic for a while. Oh well. Not my fault that the beer I drank last night was nothing special and so therefore the need to makeup for it now. Not that the wine is anything stellar; it was on sale. It's decent.

Anyway. I made chili from a new recipe that requires not that much chopping and very little prep work. I enjoy prepping a little, but after a few veggies I get bored, tired and pretty much cranky that my meal isn't even close to ready because I haven't even cooked anything yet.

But so yeah. The chili came out flavorful, spicy, and down right hearty. It's one of those meals that perks up the cool days (not that we've had many of those...yet) and stays for a while in the tummy. But you see I think I made the chili more as comfort food not from the cold, but from having to deal with yet another fast-approaching work week.

Cheers.

I stayed in bed just a little longer this morning not because I had too many drinks last night or because I didn't want to realize the little headache I had might be bigger. I just laid around because I could.

I just finished my Trader Joe's chocolate yogurt. They call it something like "cocoa" whatever but to me it's the closest thing to a dessert one can have while it's still breakfast.

Bub gets into the politics shows on Sunday morning, while I prefer to get myself ready for the gym. We finally settled on one to join. I had been going to an all-women facility which was clean, user-friendly and not that bad distance wise, although the parking was sometimes annoying. But I missed the days when Bub and I used to hit the gym and work out at the same time sometimes copying each other on the machines. We'd separate and I'd do an elliptical while he ran and then if he finished first he'd come to my machine and start moving on the one next to me. And vice versa. We'd count out reps for one another while doing weights. But most times we'd do our own thing and give each other the nod or hand to show we're just about ready to get the heck out of there!

So we are newly joined members of our local Y. We joined for a month at another gym which had been built up by Bub's friend as a great facility. It was more than my last membership at the all-women's gym! The locker rooms were scary and we kept asking each other: Just why is this gym so much money? Clearly it's not because they're upgrading their old TVs, locker rooms, or anything like that.

So the almost new Y will work just fine for us. When we were signing the family plan paperwork yesterday I couldn't help but think how weird timing is sometimes; I have this suspicious feeling that we'll find a house and move and have to find another gym whose locker rooms we'll need to inspect.

And so I'm getting ready to put my gym clothes on--or should I begin to search the open house listings? Either way, I'm watching channel 2. Rick Steves is on talking about Positano, Capri, Sorrento--the Amalfi Coast, better known as the paradise we visited after we said "I do"...

And as I look outside at the drizzly day I wonder how we are so far both literally and figuratively from a life that people live daily amidst beauty and of course, the most delicious food.

Happy 2nd half of the weekend.

Us

So, we're Mr. & Mrs. and we're trying to put the finishing touches on our albums. Whee!

The parents ones are due tomorrow so that we have them in time to give at Christmas. Our final album will be created soon thereafter. It's really much harder than I thought it would be--these are photos that you want to choose just right since our kids and grandkids and even strangers could see. I just got our announcement into the paper of the town where I grew up which is what this photo was used for. We have yet to do that for bub. Oh bub is right there, below! Isn't he something?

Right now I have an amazing online album from our photographers which was truly a surprise because we only expected them to post photos online and that's it. But in addition they took some photos and created layouts and set it to this slow, soft, repetitive instrumental music. It's really silly but I get emotional when looking at it. Wait, that's not really silly, is it?

So I've seen the photos numerous times and now bub is weighing in. It'll be worth it in the end--the constant back and forth on selections, the hefty prices we have to pay for these. We are trying to preserve memories here. We can't go back in time.

Things that annoy me

Just some things I need to get off my chest and further keep me from my responsibilities at work:

When you turn left at a traffic light after your light has turned red--it's no longer your turn to go left! Let other people move when the light is green.
When you bump into me and do not say or acknowledge that you have touched me without permission and don't excuse yourself.
When you litter because it's too hard to throw things away properly.
When you lie.
When you don't ask you about how I am or how my weekend was, etc, after I took the time to ask you.
When you don't say hello after I have or at least smile.
When you eat with your mouth open, cough, sneeze, and so forth without any regard for others. Thanks.
When you talk over me while I am talking after I have listened to you talk.
When you get so caught up in materialistic items that you don't understand the actions of others and what they truly mean. You just want to compete and feel important. Ugh. How come you can't see this!?
When you are fake.

Driftee

It's sad when you feel certain people in your life are drifting away. Sometimes you don't know which fight to fight and which drifter to let go. I find this happening with a few people that I know from various stages of my life. One is a high school friend who I know loves and cares for me and I for her yet I feel that it's harder to stay connected than it is to remember the memories which remind us why we are friends (or were friends) in the first place.

I know that drifters are a part of life but it upsets me when certain friends drift due to the extreme measures it takes to be included in their schedule, life, circle of friends. It's even worse when a significant other becomes the focal point of their lives and friends are an after thought.

Drifters and significant others being the focal point of a friend's life are not new concepts by any means. I deal with the fact that I have been the drifter and not just the driftee and that I, too, have put my friends second when I first started dating bub.

Perhaps I'm more mature, a married woman now; or, perhaps I hold greater the value of friends because I feel that in any of life's uncertainties you want to feel surrounded by a secure, loving group of people and that the love of one person, though it may feel like it's all you need, may not be. And do not get me wrong, if I only had the love of my husband, I would most certainly feel lucky--and I do--but I'm just trying to make a point about friends here, so bear with me.

So right about now, anyone who stopped to read this may think: whoa, how depressing. But I just don't get why friendships fade like this. And in some of the scenarios I'm experiencing now it could very well be that there's nothing left to say. Or perhaps it's already been said before.

1 year

I meant to write on Halloween. I really did. But lately any spare time is consumed with watching Six Feet Under on DVD. I am really digging the show; I've come to really like Nate, identify with Federico, get irritated wtih Keith (but still think he's cute even if he is gay) and find Ruth to be such a spazz. We're about 1/2 way into the third season and we're lucky that Blockbuster is a short minute's walk down the road although we miss Netflix and have considered rejoining.

I'm at work so this post has to be brief because I have the paranoid "Big Brother is watching" thing going on. But I just wanted to say that it's been a year since I started this mish mash of writing stuff. I'm not necessarily proud of it because I think I can do a whole lot better than writing a bunch of posts which are entitled by variations of the word "quick" and that there's nothing mind-shattering or lovely about my style, if I have one. But as another poster stated somewhere in cyber world which I'm not completely remembering: this place, this space, this screen can sometimes be therapeutic.

For me when I started this a year ago it was my pouring out how excited I was to prepare for my wedding day. And so I look to write about other momentous occasions. For now while the water is fairly calm and things are just busy in general, I look to other bloggers for inspiration and great writing. You help spark the thing in me that reminds me why I love words.

quickie

I just baked glazed breakfast buns. They are cooling and I can't wait to see how they come out. They even look "pretty" too!

I haven't been out of our condo since yesterday morning. I went to my first included personal trainer session yesterday after almost missing it due to the lack of an alarm being set. I am paying for the hard work of yesterday's session: I am sore all over...

We are going to hopefully check out some open houses today. In case I didn't mention in an earlier post our house we were so excited about was sold. And sold well below the asking price as Bub just informed me today. As my friend from work said: It's a heartbreaker and you'll have plenty of those. She also said the nifty "It wasn't meant to be." And I agree. I just have to convince Bub there's something else better for us out there and of course, we need to find it!

Oh yeah, I'm so over my job. I have a love-hate thing going on and it's more hate than anything. I feel like a lost puppy and when someone calls my name I don't know which way to go--do something new? Find a job with what's open right now? Get prepared for school of some sort? Someone please advise.

wtf

i have like a zit forming on my face. at 26, i think i'm set with having my fair share of these things. wtf??

anyway, i opted to stay in tonight. i had grand plans of hosting a visit for my sister. we'd laugh and hang and drink pumpkin beer and be crazy. but i wasn't feeling it. i feel that my weird sleep the other night (you know, my weird dreams post) bubbled over to yesterday, although i did have a better sleep last night, but went to bed late b/c as you know, i can't miss my show: 6 degrees...anyway...so we decided on a rain check. how perfect since it's pouring, cold and gross out, which makes perfect weather for chianti and 6 feet under. i've been watching adoringly the strange characters, weird humor, and good soundracks (well, listening to those). anyway. bub is at the movies, which is fine by me. i love having nights to myself, especially after a long-ass work week. i had my typical it's wednesday but i keep thinking it's thursday week. this brings me to my next topic: work.

so there's an opening at a place that i once applied to, but the commute would be hell. where i live yields practically no jobs that i want; i'd have to move to nyc for that. so the other job i applied for, i interviewed for literally like 5 days before my wedding or some cracked ass thing like that. when they called to say they took someone with the concentration in xyz over me, i didn't care b/c dude, i was getting hitched and then off to italy for a 2 week getaway. so now i have a chance to apply for a similar job but working on much cooler stuff than the last job would have allowed me. do i apply? more on this later, but i'll probably pull my usual: apply and then decide if i get an offer. whoop dee doo. i hate being an adult.

and tomorrow i'll return to good old umass for homecoming. i'll see great friends, old ones, relive memories, be the band geek that you all know and even see old crushes...anyway--i'm supposed to go with a big-ass zit on my face? on top of that i'll feel like a fat ass since the "gym" isn't even in my vocab anymore.

i think i've had too much wine. TGIF!

addendum to post i wrote 2 seconds ago

told you i didn't want to wash the dishes.

oh, so the baby dream? i forgot to write that isn't it weird that it was after 4 months that i had the baby and the baby was fine? is it possible to have a baby and it's fine after only 4 months? maybe that's why we left it at the hospital? because it (don't know if it was a he or she, but i think it was a she) needed urgent care?

also, i'm avoiding the gym. i don't know why. i am officially in anti-gym mode. someone please help.

i just finished watching the gubernatorial debate on tv. i don't usually watch those things...well sometimes i do. but this one confirmed it. healey is a dirty fighter, arrogant and pretty irritating. maybe not the strongest reasons NOT to vote for her, but clearly patrick is the right choice. you can tell alot by the way someone conducts themself at these things. anyway. that solves that.

so last night i had these two strange dreams that i'm surprised i remembered, but since my sleep was interrupted every hour because if i sleep near one of those light up red-numbered digital clocks, it has to be turned away or else i think i'm always late waking up or just need to watch it for some reason. weird i know but this is the way it's always been. so my sleep was not good and bub usually sleeps closest to the clock that refuses to let me sleep. anyway, back to the dreams:

dream #1: i had a baby. BUT i had the baby after only a 4-month pregnancy. i don't remember the labor BUT i think we were on something. not that we're a bunch of druggies in the dream, but bub and i left our baby in the hospital and went out and a few DAYS later realized that we should um maybe go back and get the baby from the hospital. also, i realized i should make 2 calls: one to my parents to um, let them know i had a baby! and the other was a call to my boss. i was worried that after 4 months i wouldn't be showing enough to convince my boss i should be on maternity leave. yeah. nice.

dream #2: i'm in the kitchen of our old apartment. there is this guy who isn't even attractive in the dream too. no bub. well it doesn't matter that this guy isn't attractive since he wants to play a game. he wants to blindfold me with a napkin--the cloth kind. he wants me to hold the rest while he tries to stab them with a knife. WHAT??? i tell him that he'll probably stab them and me and then i don't remember anything except waking up next to the bright clock and feeling a tad bit scared.

so that's it for dreams.

and finally: a thought while driving home: if we just chose different words with which to tell our stories, would we all be great writers? best selling authors?

ok, off to wash the dishes. yuck.

The end of a blog

It has recently come to my attention that two people within the last week have ended their blogs. They broke up wtih cyberspace if you will. One makes mention that there is nothing left to be said. And we all know that can't be true. But it is stated that there are other things to try. I agree. However I don't see how someone comes to a decision such as this. And even if I did, I'm not sure I would openly post something that said "Farewell, cyberfriends!" or maybe I would. But then again I don't plan on not writing anymore here anytime soon. For some of you, that's good news, for some it's not. And for most, no one really ever reads this thing anyway.

Another ex-blogger wrote that he's signing off blah, blah, blah and this post happened to be the first time I was reading his blog ever. And I became truly upset. I had discovered written entertainment and a sneak peek into someone's life, a new blog to link to, but now why bother? I didn't even get to know the blogger and wham--we're already broken up.

Why do you think people suddenly decide to end their blogs?

friday notes

First: YIPPEEE! It's Friday! : )

Second: I have some things to share with everyone.

First, I'm on the hunt for a GREAT book. Dear friend Daily Editor let me borrow a book of short stories which has been a smashing hit. However, the time has come to now read something else as I am almost done with the book she let me borrow oh, a million years ago. I've been reading about new releases and scanning Amazon reviews for something good. I don't like to trust Amazon which is why I am asking for you to please help me find a new book. In fact, I have a date at the bookstore come lunchtime to choose something to indulge in this weekend.

I have not exercised since I've been back from the book fair. I'm feeling soft and squishy and I'm in a procrastination funk. Today is my half-birthday. You'd think I'd get my ass in gear on a momentous day like this one. But you see, it's ever so difficult to want to exercise, let alone do so on a Friday after work. I set my alarm to get up early this morning however I just HAD to stay up last night and watch that show 6 degrees. I missed last week's episode and Bub didn't even watch it for me (no surprise) so I don't know who the young new chick is kissing the photographer dude. Other than that, I don't think I missed much. If I did, please let me know. Also, why is it on at 10? I am getting old and bedtime at 11 is just not working out.

And finally this is the last bit to share since I really ought to be working (shhh)...I f-ed up the colors on my blog. The new lovely colors I chose show up on the "preview" bit, but I saved them and republished my blog and index a bajillion times and now I have drunk colors that aren't so pretty. Please help if you can.

Ciao.

getting closer, but not there yet

Thanks to Lufthansa, I've returned from my second trip to Germany for the annual book fair. I was mentally prepared for it having been through the experience one year ago. I shopped for outfits that would make a good impression not only to new partners who had never met me in person, but to boost my confidence when presenting our business model. I was almost perfectly organized, although most of the paperwork I did last year was repeated this year, but I felt even more in tune with knowing I was ready for any of our many meetings.

When I left last Monday evening in a somewhat pathetic tearful goodbye--this would be my first trip away from Bub as a married couple--I felt a homesickness that started a few days prior to the trip when I know I would be inundated with the monotony of it all. That I would yet again be with my manager 24-7 as though a child who needed to be kept on a leash and watched. It irked me and it was hard to keep my cheerful disposition up, difficult to keep the facade going, and very exhausting. And again, I drooled over the many creative outlets that come alive at this fair, consisting of exhibition center upon exhibition center upon exhibition center.

I was able to connect with two people--one stranger and one acquaintance--about starting my own "thing"...what that is, I don't know. But I'm getting closer. And I feel that by complaining that I don't know where to start, how to go about it, what to do, how to fund it, I'll just leave it at this: we met with a number of people who are the the very people who started their businesses from nothing, even went on to sell them to large notable companies only to start from scratch again.

What are their books like? Dreadful. Boring. Yuck. So if they can succeed at building a business on this stuff, then I would like a go at starting something even though it may never grow to be something quite as successful. And as my father said, you just have to jump right in.

I actually got homesick for my first job. Not to be an editorial assistant. My goodness, never do I wish for that again. But seeing the books I had worked on when I was fresh out of school and seeing the people who I once saw every day, and reflecting on those people who I used to work closely with and had close friendships with (some are still friends, thank goodness!), I wonder if I've migrated far away from what it was that I vowed to do when I was still in college: crack into trade publishing.

I'm afraid that excuses are no longer valid any more. In fact, the ones I use are tired and useless at this point.

At an age where I'm migrating away from the days when classes, band, and reading and writing papers to receive my degree are slipping away, I feel some what old. Although I know I'm not by society's standards, I feel as though I am by mine. Because now that I'm married and haven't fully decided if I should return to school (we all know that law school it mostly likely won't be and that's okay), a family is in our future at some point and well, being an adult is getting harder by the day.